Monthly Archive for March, 2006

BEFORE The Police Show Up In Therapy

Published
by
Austin
on March 31, 2006
in Therapy and Therapy Assignments
. 0 Comments

Before The Police Get Here
Friday, March 31, 2006


9:02 AMI try to learn from past mistakes. I figure when people give me access to tools that might make my life a bit easier I'd be foolish to not take advantage of those tools. With the new therapist, who is actually a psychologist, I’ll be looking up his record of treatment online. There is a web site that I can look and see if he has sanctions or any criminal accusations or convictions. If I'd known about this site and had I known it is a cheap as it is I could have saved myself some serious heartache some years back. There was one psychiatrist that had more history and drama than Young And The Restless or Days of Our Lives could ever create. I got the details of her child custody battle (horrible) as well as a bunch of other stuff that drove home that she shouldn’t be allowed to treat even a turnip. When I look this man up I'm looking for criminal activity as well as sanctions in his practice. The person I looked up after the fact was more of a bitch than I thought she was. Her office was so cold that I use to say she kept it that way so the ice in her veins wouldn’t thaw out. I will be using this tool for any medical professional that I see (mental health as well as physical health). I don’t do credit checks or to see if they’ve ever had a car repoed or anything like that. I just want to know if they’re being sued or if there has ever been any legitimate cause for complaint. Are they sleeping with clients, are they self medicated, do they moonlite as a hooker, is the FBI watching their house, etc. Like I said, this pdoc I use to see had some serious drama, oh my God she had drama.

I know that people hate that you can pretty much find out “anything” about “anyone” online but you know what, what’s terrible is that you HAVE to find these things out now days. You have to look people up so you don’t have the shock of your life when you’re in a session and they come and drag their ass away while you’re trying to talk about how your Mama pulled your hair when you were six. It’s kind of disruptive when the cops barge in and take a “professional” out in cuffs. I'm trying to heal, I just don’t need that. I want to avoid stuff like that at all costs. I’ve split enough; I don’t want to have to create a new personality to deal with my therapists issues. That’s just not necessary so hey, I looking people up anymore. It’s amazing what a few bucks can do for you these days.

Joan of Arc,
inside Morton’s Pride

ON A VERY SERIOUS NOTE:

*******

There are so many advertisements about online investigative services but as I’ve been reading they are usually scams. If you decided to use one of these services please make sure you read up on online investigators. There is some shocking, misleading, rip off, quack stuff out there. Remember, you can’t always believe what you read unless you’re reading it from an accredited site. Look for a well known and respected accreditation symbol on whatever site you use. A Google search of just the term “people search” will give you information on ALL background check sites, the good and the bad. They will also give you a list of sites that explain the dangers of using people search sites. When looking up a doctor go straight to the source, use sites such as the American Medical Association and it’s affiliates. The cost is more but worth it.http://www.ratemds.com/
Has a section to rate your personal doctor’s performance

http://www.quackwatch.org/04ConsumerEducation/QA/mdcheck.html
Lots of resources on quack sites

The world wide tangled web is full of black widow spiders. Watch for spiders when you surf.

*******

What doesnt kill us

Published
by
Austin
on March 31, 2006
in General Chatter
. 0 Comments

What doesn’t kill us only makes us linger6:00 PM
I don’t know how I’ve kept breakfast and lunch down. It feels like its going to come right back up. The first bite of breakfast wasn’t working. I couldn’t even finish it. The first bite of lunch I knew my stomach wasn’t going for it.

It got up to 70 degrees today. I worked with UK, came home and cleaned in the yard, did a bit of work inside the house and now I’ve got to lay down. I was going to try and stay up but I’ve got to lay down. Tomorrow she and JB are going back over there. I can’t say that I want to because it didn’t really feel like I did anything. I don’t know… I'm one of these people that has good physical strength but I need a lot of guidance. In culinary school the chef use to say to me, “go find something to do.” That didn’t work for me at all. I need to be given an assignment, heck you can tell me to do ABCD and when that’s done then finish E thru J and I’ve got no problem doing it. But if you say to me “find something to do” then I fumble and I get scared that I'm going to fuck something up. I'm going to finish this in a bit. I’ve got to lay down. I’ve been up since 11pm yesterday evening. I went out there and work again after not sleeping. I got I think 4 hours after I got home yesterday but I’ve been up since 11 last night. I'm hungry for some veggies.

2:08 AM
Picking up where I left off about work:
Maybe it’s odd that I have to be given an assignment and then I can complete it well but if you just tell me to do something I'm lost. I know very well it goes back to worrying that I’ll do too much or too little. When I was a kid I followed instructions to a T, it’s what kept the severity of the beatings down. I got hit anyway there was just less to get hit about if I did exactly what she said, no more and no less. I can not seem to break away from that line of thinking. I would like to but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I'm a good worker with a lot of physical strength. I can work unsupervised if you tell me what you want me to do and then leave! I do not work well with the supervisor in the room with me. I just don’t.

Working the past few days has been a little much for me. Today’s anxiety attack was kinda wild. The gentleman is kind of open about the abusive past and that didn’t help much either. The stories were in detail and I could tell by the look on his emotionally warn face that he’s not been able to heal from much of it. It makes me sad to see him hurt so much and to know that people take advantage of his kindness. This man deserves to find someone that will love him deeper than he has ever been loved before. He deserves it and I hope beyond hope that he finds that person. I have to wonder though, when he finds him or her will he try to buy their love or will he understand that true love is the only truly free thing there is. After all he has done for people and continues to do, after all that he offers the community just to be so unappreciated and unsupported in life in nothing short of a crime. But again, it was hard to be there with him knowing that he’s in a serious amount of emotional pain that might not ever be treated properly.

I don’t know if working the last 3 days has been what caused the anxiety attack and the subsequent collapse or if it was all the triggers, the lack of sleep, the lack of food and mismanaged meds. Whatever the problem is or was, I haven’t handled it well.

A Moment of Pride, Looking Back

Published
by
Austin
on March 30, 2006
in General Chatter
. 0 Comments

For the last 2 days I’ve done something I haven’t done in several years. I got up at 7am (which I also haven’t done in years) and went to work. I’m telling you, it’s a feeling that I long for and need. I hadn’t had any real sleep since Sunday morning for the last 2 morning I dragged myself off the sofa, threw the kitten off me, chased the dog from under my feet, jumped in the shower and left to do an odd job with my neighbor UK. The job is to clean out the home of a well to do man. He has sooooo much stuff in there worth a good piece of money. He just wants it gone. We go back tomorrow to finish it up.I’m a workaholic. I always have been. When I put in the kind of hours I use to put in I did it because I loved the job. I wouldn’t say I was avoiding or running from myself, I just come from a very strong work ethic. I know I’ve started to feel worthless here lately but the last 2 days have been very nice. There is no cash involved with this little temp odd job. It’s kind of a barter thing. UK and I get to take the stuff he doesn’t want which includes nice clothing, furniture, rugs, blankest and sheets, towels, new and unopened toiletries AND food. She can have the liquor because I don’t drink but there is a host of that too and it’s not the cheap stuff either. When we went today to clear out a bed and a dresser and some other stuff he stopped us and took us to a rental property of his. He was showing the house to some potential renters. When he spoke with the lady he introduced me and UK as employees. I smiled inside cause I haven’t heard that word associated with my name in way toooooo long. He wants me to do some work online for him. He wants me to do a criminal background check on his potential renters. I’m not sure how he runs a successful business with NO computer but he does. Well maybe it’s not as successful as it could be because the last few renters have trashed a very nice house. It maybe could have been prevented had he had access to a pc where he could simply do a criminal background check for 10 bucks. Anyway, so she and I went over there yesterday and today. We go tomorrow again but I think tomorrow is the last day.

I may have offended the gentleman unintentionally but I’m okay with that. He wanted to take UK and myself to lunch at a pizza pub here in the city. I’ve been to the place before but he wanted to get a drink with his pizza. I told him that if he and UK wanted to grab a glass of wine with lunch that it was fine but I would like for him to hand me to the keys so I knew we would get home. Now, this is the first time I’ve ever met this man but you know what? I didn’t want it to be the last meeting or the last day of my life. I don’t get in the car with anyone that has even one beer or one glass of wine. He mentioned getting a glass of wine again and I spoke up and told them both that if they decided to do so to please make sure I had enough bus money to get home. I know he wasn’t happy that I said that but the truth is, it is dangerous to drive that way and dangerous to get in the car with someone that drives after drinking. I know that it’s a rather controversial thing and widely accepted that if you have a drink or two with dinner that you’re okay to drive home. How easy it is for me compared to others because I don’t have to decide if the driver is sober enough to get behind the wheel. If he or she has had one drink the decision is made for me. I don’t have to give a breathalyzer test or ask them how much they’ve had or if they feel safe “enough” to drive. There is no pressure, no fear of offense, it’s simple. I don’t get in the car and I’m not afraid to say that even when I don’t know the person. I like the fact that I can walk and that I’m alive. There is no moment where I’m going to trade social politeness for my life or my ability to walk. The answer was no and I think that shocked the heck out of him because he turned from the pub to McDonald’s. I had a McChicken and a medium French fry. I was happy with that.

It appears that this gentleman came from a rather abusive and violent past. It appears that his family was by no means poor but like me he was unsure of where his next meal was going to come from. The fact that things were so unstable has compelled him to stock up on stuff he doesn’t even need under the premise that he might need it later. That’s how his house ended up filled with so much “stuff.” It’s not junk though, not at all. There are $4000 Thomas Kinkaid pieces, huge angel statues, crystal knickknacks, nice cookware, fine wood structures and all kinds of stuff. I’ve never seen a hoarder with such good taste. He has, from what I saw, 10 bottles of 200 oz Tide and other liquid laundry detergent. I’ve never seen anything like it in someone’s home. I’ve seen it at Wal-Mart but not in someone’s home. UK and I intend to have a garage sale real soon with a lot of the stuff that he is letting us have in exchange for clearing out his house. Anyway though she and I have been doing that for the last 2 days. We’ll finish up tomorrow morning. Now that I think about it, we might end up working right into Friday afternoon because we haven’t even touched the mini barn or the garage and they are filled with high quality stuff too. I hear most of what is in the mini barn is aged liquor that he wants gone. Maybe he should have had some of that for lunch and stayed at his house while we cleared things out for him. While I do not drink, I will not walk away from aged scotch and good aged wine. I know very well what that stuff is worth so I won’t put it in a trash bag and help him haul it away. I will find an appreciative home for that stuff. I know a few people that have small social after hours business gatherings that would love a good bottle of scotch.

Well, I should maybe get myself settled back down for the evening so that I can get up and GO TO WORK. I love the feeling I get when I walk out of the house on my way to be put to some use. I need to feel useful and a lot of times I don’t.

My sleep is still a mess but I managed to get in more pc art today. It’s always relaxing exept when I feel pressured to use colour. i might have to slap UK and tell her to leave me alone about the colour situation. anyway though..this is UK at the gardens the other day. the image in red looks nothing like her. the red pic above looks like a person but it looks nothing at all like UK. I needed a model for the shots because I cant really use my hands to draw the way i use to. Anyway though, she hasnt seen them yet. she’s not even wearing the same colours in these here as the day we went. her hair colour is different here too.

Austin’s August

A Moment of Pride, Looking Back
Thursday, March 30, 2006
12:10 AM

I Saw The New Psychologist Today

Published
by
Austin
on March 29, 2006
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Therapy and Therapy Assignments
. 1 Comment

I went to my appointment today to see the new therapist. Getting there was quite rough. On the way there I was so anxious that I thought I might need to ask the driver to pull over so I could vomit. I was both nervous and exhausted but I was nauseous because of how she was driving. I felt every turn and bump as if there were no shocks or anything on that little bus. At first I thought I might have to reschedule because the driver couldn’t find my house. I thought she left me so I was really flipping out. When she finally did get to my house I was little and scared. I had Captain with me but it seemed to take forever to get grounded again. He was very helpful though and I appreciated it. I was also running on no sleep and had just walked in the house from walking trails with UK. (((The picture is of the trails by the university that we walked today. I had the cam. I’m happy I did. And of course there are just a few art effects on the shot. It was a rainy day for the most part but I’m happy we got out there))) I haven’t done that in so long. It was wonderful. So, by the time I got home I had about 20 min before the little bus thingie came. Like I said, she couldn’t find the house and I thought she left me. When I finally got to the office my first thought was, dear God don’t let the doctor be who I think it is. I was happy to find out that it wasn’t Dr. JC Jr. He was a horrible doctor back then and lord knows I didn’t want to see him. I never did see him, I just knew a few patients of his. Anyway though, the building is familiar and so are the surroundings. As a matter of fact the dog park Captain belongs to is right around the corner so this location should work out just fine.When I went in of course Cap drew immediate attention. The fact that he is well behaved drew even more. He sat very still and was a perfect gentleman. He’s my little sweetheart. When I filled out the papers I had to try and remember what my name is. I wasn’t sure of the date or the year. Each time the forms asked for that information it took quite a bit to recall it. When it asked for my address I had to ask inside. My brain wasn’t working right because of how tired and dissociative I was but truthfully, when it comes to basic information like my name and address my “blank” reaction is standard.

A lot of people decide if they like an office setting by the first people they see, the secretaries. If I were a person given to appearances I would have walked out of that office. I didn’t think either one of the secretaries were professional on the phone at all. I come from a professional family so that was the first thing I noticed when I observed their office interactions. My second impression of them was kindness and personable, these two qualities together more than made up for what I thought was a lacking. I don’t know what their quality of work is but when it came to making me feel comfortable they certainly aced it.

When a person goes into a new situation I think it is natural that they seek out someone they can kind of cling to or connect with. of all people for me to have a slight connection with was the black receptionist. The fact that she is black gave off warning bells. She looks nothing at all like my mother but an older black woman for me is a trigger. She seemed so nice though. When it was time for me to wait for my ride she was very kind to me. I appreciated it. My head wasn’t on right and I appreciated the help. It was nice.

I talked to the new therapist for whatever amount of time I was there. I have no clue how long the appointment was. I know I switched at least once. I figured I would because when I’m really tired with no sleep one particular little one finds her way to the surface. She likes to hide her eyes under the baseball cap. She did that several times. The good thing is, Morton didn’t get any bad vibes off the guy. We were all very comfortable with him. We are to call tomorrow to set up another appointment and to get in with a pdoc. I hope this works out because he seems like he could be very helpful.

One thing I forgot to ask him was if he has enough time to take on my case. I know he is accepting new patients but I needed to ask him if he has enough time to take on a client with DID. Since my head wasn’t really there that question didn’t get asked. I think for the moment we were just sizing him out but to tell you the truth we were comfortable the moment we saw him. it goes back to my first impression of the secretaries, I judged him on appearances, tone of voice, the way he walked and the way he held his head when he walked, his eye contact, the colour of clothing he wore and the way he wore his hair. What I was looking for in a therapist was exactly the opposite of what I expect in a secretary. I was very pleased that he is soft spoken and calm. Lord knows I don’t need an therapist with high energy that bounces off the walls and what not. I liked the furniture in his office. It wasn’t those horrible chairs like at way too many therapy rooms I’ve been in. the chair kind of let me hide a bit. I need that from time to time. Ah, and the room is big enough for all 3 of us without having to move furniture around. The offices at the Med Center are friggin closets. This man has an office for God’s sake, an office big enough for me, him, the dog, a little office sofa, a chair, his desk and a nice size book shelf with toys. I hate to run the issue of bright colours into the ground (I say on this journal that I’m not one for colours) but his office wasn’t too bright and it wasn’t too bland. He said he treats mostly children but when I looked at his office I didn’t see a kindergarten room with kid’s paintings on the walls and things. Those pictures are disturbing to me, triggering.

I am going to have abandonment issues with this gentleman. Today I thought he was passing me on to another therapist in the office and I immediately felt myself get sad, like he’d given up on me already and was passing me off to someone else. I felt myself sink and that is quite new to feel right off the bat. I think that I’m really at the end of my rope with therapists. The whole ride through therapy has been long and rocky. Going into the office today felt like a hopeless act of desperation. I just wanted to break down and say, “Someone help me please.” I want someone to treat me. I want someone with a measure of stability in their life, someone with skill and confidence, someone that doesn’t have anything to prove, someone that has a good therapeutic style that they’ve tweaked to a reasonable high. I want a therapist that doesn’t jump all over the board but that has direction and ….I just realized, heck, I want a coach. I use to think the word coach associated with therapy was rather silly but now that I think about it, a coach seems different than a therapist. A therapist says they’re in the healing “game” with you but in reality, they’re not. A football coach for instance is on the side lines. They’re not passing, kicking, catching or getting sacked but they can help the players learn how to either do these things better or avoid getting sacked all together. They know they aren’t inside the game, they’re on the side lines observing your movements and later showing you what you did well and what you could do to better so that next time you get more yardage or make the touchdown without getting tackled and thrown down. I don’t know, maybe that’s just semantics but right now it seems to make sense.

When I got on the little bus to come home some Rastafarian guy with one of those reggae hats was driving. He didn’t say anything at all. He smiled at me with a mouth full of teeth, there must have been a hundred of ‘em…but he didn’t say anything at all. He had a phone to his ear the whole time but again, I never heard him say a single word. By the time I got on the bus I’d been up for 2 days. I fell asleep on the way home. When he pulled up to my house he woke me up. When I got up to leave he said, “bye little bear.” Mr. Rastafarian spoke! It was the sweetest thing. The man said not a word the whole 45 min I was on the bus but when I got up to leave he said, “bye little bear.”

The day has truly been a long and strange one. I was supposed to do an odd job but that didn’t pan out. I ended up walking trails with UK and hitting 2 food pantries. I saw the new therapist even thought it looked like I might not get there due to transportation issues. I was nicknamed “little bear” and then I finally, finally got a few hours of sleep. Somewhere between sleeping and now I managed to get a bit of house cleaning done. I’m ready to go right back to bed.

Austin’s August

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 2:41 AM

Loneliness Is Humiliating

Published
by
Austin
on March 28, 2006
in Art, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Relationships
. 1 Comment

On the news today ABC said that loneliness can cause blood pressure to increase by 30 points or higher, making loneliness as dangerous as obesity. The study on loneliness was conducted with participants 50 years old and up. A commercial came on later saying that there will be a walk at Military Park to raise money for the treatment of obesity. The commercial said that the main people in this state that are obese are children. Does this mean I’m a fat lonely young woman on the verge of heart disease?There was a time that I thought I’d rather be dead than to spend one more second alone. I the years I spent feeling so lonely were also the years I spent hopping from stress center to stress center. Maureen once said that she thought it was possible for her heart to stop due to lack of hope. Sometimes I wondered if she meant that we were a hopeless cause and that we’d always be alone. The things I use to do to avoid myself were both humiliating and extreme. The most extreme thing I’ve ever done to combat this feeling was pay a neighbor to sit and visit with me for one hour. After an hour of talking about nothing he took the $30 and went home. Some might think that was horrible of him but you know what? We pay people to visit our elderly and sick family members and we do not think of them poorly. They’re employees that come to your home and take care of someone you love. Did this man do anything differently than they would do? No.

Continue reading ‘Loneliness Is Humiliating’

When Wee Was With Us

Published
by
Austin
on March 27, 2006
in Pets
. 1 Comment

I miss this little bugger. She use to terrorize Captain Crunch something aweful. This is the only cat I’ve ever heard of that could be tricked into taking a bath. Once I was washing Captain and she just jumped right up on the side of the tub. I started petting her with the soapy wash cloth. She purred and raised her tail, leaned in and thought she was getting some regular ‘ol loving. she didnt realize she’d been washed and rinsed until later. Then she was pissed and shocked!

She was so tiny when I got her. She was a dump job at the medical center and since I was moving to this new place I went ahead and brought her with me. She was quite photogenic too. It was easy to put photo effects on her pictures because of her colouring. It’s quite difficult with Gracie to do that. I was stupid to give her to a new home. Of course, had I not I may not have Gracie right now. I dont think Gracie could be tricked into a bath. She took up where Wee Kitten Hobs left off on terrorizing Captain. She also took up where Wee left off so that Cap can still have his personal living fluffy pillow who also doubles as a squeek toy.

the good thing about Cap and kittens is that when they have the nerve to eat from his bowl he doesn’t try and kill them. Most dogs would die fighting for half a biscuit. I think Cap would too if he were compeating with another dog but when it comes to the kittens he just nudges them and takes the food. They go flying and then look back like, “so much for the gentle giant.” One time Wee ran to Cappy’s bowl to eat food that was bigger than her body. Cap picked her up by the back of her neck and softly placed her on the sofa then went back to his kibble. It was hilarious.

This kitten played football. She was the cuttest thing I’ve ever seen. She was also the most lawless cat I’ve ever heard of. She stole anything that wasnt nailed down. Forget the fact that she had salmon in her bowl she felt it was right to go into the 33 gallon trash can filled with Dog Chow for her meals. I guess it is true that no cat can live on salmon alone Dog Chow is a must!

the places she found to sleep are nothing compaired to what Gracie finds. I opened the door to the TV center and where was Gracie? She was in the second drawer sleeping. She found a way through the back of the center and into the drawer to sleep. How dare I shock her with all that light just because I wanted to go in and get a DVD. Humans can be so inconsiderate.

I didnt always like cats. I was one of these black people that grew up hearing about how horrible cats are. I was told that they are mystical creatures, devils out to kill babies and other living things. As a matter of fact, my family hated cats so much that the grandmother would scald them if they came into her yard. She would throw a pan of boiling water on strays. The aunts would rather fight a dog than be in the same room as a cat. These stories of how horrible cats are get passed down from generation to generation just like any other wives tail and falicy. As an adult I found that cats are gentle creatures that are forced to live with humans that lean towards ideas based on tradition and lack of information. I can’t say my childhood was ruined because of my distaste for cats but I’m happy as an adult I have the choice to explore new ideas and experiences. Had I not been willing to stray from this up bringing I would have missed out on the last few years of joy that I’ve found in being a cat lover. It is very nice to wake up and have a small ball of fur next to you with a soft pur and little tiny paws and big round eyes to greet you. They are sweet creatures and I’m happy to have been able to discover this. I also found out that they aren’t as hard to train as one might think. Both Wee Kitten Hobs and Gracie were harnass trained early so that when we go outside they can go too.

This spring Gracie will get to explore the yard more. She wasn’t too fond of the snow but with more sun there will be grass and butterflies, birds and all kinds of moving things to kill. I’m looking forward to it. Maybe she’ll play football with me and Captain like Wee did. I hope so.

(The pic of Captain is of him and Elvis at the Medical Center. It’s a terrible shot but hilarious none the less)

Austin

New therapist on Tuesday

Published
by
Austin
on March 27, 2006
in General Chatter and Therapy
. 0 Comments

i see the new therapist on Tuesday. He's a phd. I'm too thrilled about that. I can't remember his name though. I dont really have a problem with him being a guy. As a matter of fact, i use to only want to see a male therapist. i felt they were easier to work with. i dont have the trust issues with men that i have with women. most of my abusers were female, which means dealing with men is easier for me.when i saw the first long term therapist years ago it was a guy. had there only been a woman there for me to see i might have gone elsewhere.

i set up my ride to get there. what concerns me is the amount of travel time to get there. the entire trip will be 3 hours and on turf that i'm not familiar with. i just thought of something though, I can look up the address on map quest and get a visiual of the area. It'll help me get a better idea of where i'm going and what's around me. i just started rocking when i mentioned the 3 hours away from home. my usual limit is 2 hours. after that i tend to freak out. i use to have a regular cab driver when i saw the woman at the medical center. that was an easy travel time. 10 min there, 10 min back and the same cabby who let me smoke when i needed to. one of the good things about going to this new center is the timeing. if it was dead cold out for months i might feel rather trapped in that place while waiting for the bus to come back and get me. at least i can stand outside when i need to. i might be able to find a quiet little area that i can gather myself at if i need to outside. i have the weather on my side this time so this is a very good plus. if we were still in the middle of winter i'd have major concerns. at least the weather is breaking and i'll have a long time before winter hits again. that'll give me plenty of time to get familiar with the area. i can also continue to look at the map view of the area and even do so at street level and see the restraunts and what not around there. it'll help me when i get ready to leave to go there. sometimes i dont remeber what my own home looks like or what the streets look like over here so trying to remember where other things are is sometimes a very large task.

anyway, i'd better try and lay down again. Gracie just came over to me to have her head rubbed. she's too sweet. she can Cap have wrestled all day. he stepped on her and she screached. she scratched him and he screamed but I didnt go running to stop them from playing. they play hard a lot and Cap is usually very careful not to step on her little self. she has learned never to sleep down by his feet because Cap kicks in his sleep like a toddler. she went flying once and then looked at him like, "what did i do?" he was dead asleep and missed the "i'm gettin you later." look that she gave him. they are too funny to watch. sometimes instead of laying on his bed Cap will curl up beside Gracie and go to sleep. the other day he was walking over to his bed and decided, nah, i think i'll just lay next to Gracie on the floor. so there he lay right there with her. they're pals. its so fun to watch them together. sometimes when i'm typing i have to peer through her fur because she insists upon standing in front of my face while kneading my head. i have her whole belly in my face sometimes…she'll be purring and kneading while i'm trying to type. i guess it's my cue to get off the pc and give her some attention. i'm going to take the drift and log off.

until again,
Austin

Sometimes when I wake

Published
by
Austin
on March 27, 2006
in Soapbox
. 0 Comments

Sometimes when I wake the way I did this morning, from a dream like the one I had this morning I wonder if this is the kind of life I was supposed to lead.Mrs.R* says that she can’t believe my mother was such a horrible person. She says that the mother is so well educated and has a good business sense, how could she possibly hurt her children. She says that the trips, the background, all of it makes no sense when you add to it severe and prolonged child abuse. It really burns me when people say that money and education make you a better person.

A friend of mine, rather, a person I use to know, said she knew wealthy children on drugs and she had no idea why they continued to do them when they got older. She said she thought maybe they were just experimenting but that they had bigger and better lives to lead so they should have just stopped taking heroin and lived the life they were destined to lead. I asked her if they could buy morality with money. She didn’t understand the question.

I talk about this hot tub here. I talk about watching DVD’s and joke about how horrible I am at gardening and keeping plants alive. Somehow through joking and talking about enjoying the hot tub I’ve managed to offend a few people. I guess that if I’m going to talk about living with DID I should stick to pain and only pain. My life is not solely DID and pain. I enjoy moments of “down time” the same as most people do. I think the biggest offense is the hot tub. I do talk about it a lot. You know what though? The place I moved from only had a shower and it was down half the time. I didn’t have a bath for 5 years until I moved here so hell yes I’m thrilled beyond belief that there is a hot tub here. It almost seems as if I was told to shut up and stop complaining about my life because after all I do have a measure of joy. It is a sad thing that some find no joy in life at all and in order to spread their inability to find pleasure in life they have to find journals and blast the authors. I shake my head in pity of you because if there was joy for you to find in life you are missing out on it while wasting time worrying about weather or not I should just be complaining about nightmares OR enjoying the hot tub.

It is sad to know that you feel so worthless and faceless or that you feel you count so little that you would come to one of millions of journals and then express to me just how much I need to get a grip and appreciate what I have. I decided to list what I appreciate:

  • I appreciate that I have a decent head on my shoulders that allows me to turn my head from ignorance and keep my focus on my objective to heal.
  • I appreciate that there are people that understand that life is not 100% pain with little or no joy.
  • I appreciate good conversation based on ideas and opinions with any measure of validity.
  • I appreciate my family of choice, my fur babies, my online community of friends and the friends I have in person with me.
  • I appreciate the strength of my heart and character that allows me to brush off the ramped stupidity that rules so many unfortunate human beings.
  • I appreciate humor and humility because without it I’d crumble and be as joyless as many other humans are.

The dream I had last night was of being chased by a bear with a baseball bat. That was quite strange, but what is more is how he got in a car and drove away with me hostage in the back seat. He was driving the speed limit down a high way that often finds itself in my dreams. We were talking casually but by this time he turned into some middle aged white guy. I wasn’t afraid. That is odd too because I did not know this man at all. The dream took an odd turn when he decided to take a short cut off the high way, over some grass and back onto the highway. The detour he took was unnecessary because if he’d driven for less than 30 seconds straight on the road he would have landed in the same spot. He chose to drive over the grass and put us both in danger. That didn’t make any since and neither did what he said next. He told me he’d been watching me for years and that I was part of an anti-crime program. He said he’d been reading my emails and the journal and tracking my every move so that he could report back to “headquarters” to let them know just how the average citizen moves about the world oblivious to the danger around them. The study was to see how the average person reacts in dangerous situations. He told me I failed 2 out of 3 times and then he dropped me off on the side of the street.The reason this dream was so disturbing was because last night I hung out with UK and her daughter and a neighborhood girl. The two young teens went to the mall to meet someone they met on the internet. He didn’t show. Evidently they met this 34 year old man in a teen chat room and decided to meet him at the mall. UK knew about only after she dropped the girls off but she still waited hours before picking them back up. I had no clue what was going on until I was in the car with them on the way home. I talked to them about how they were just having fun on the net but this man wasn’t playing at all. They didn’t understand. We dropped them off at the neighbor girl’s house and UK went back to life as if it were normal. It stands to reason that this little girl will one day have a journal about surviving both her stupid parents and surviving the world around her. God forbid anyone should ever know what kind of money she comes from because the sympathy for her will dwindle with each dollar counted.

Monday, March 27, 2006
12:55 AM

Companies Don’t Care About Customers Anymore!

Published
by
Austin
on March 25, 2006
in General Chatter
. 0 Comments

All I’m saying is that maybe these companies should put better warning labels on their products such as, “Espresso and Mountain Dew should not be consumed in the same day.”

 

Ps. You can have a hang over from too much of this mix.

He Has Lost His Damn Mind

Published
by
Austin
on March 25, 2006
in General Chatter
. 0 Comments

Okay so Barney is in the kitchen wrestling with some package his father sent him through the mail. As I watched this felony via the mail unfold it became clear that his father is one of these people that wraps a tiny item inside three packages that can only be opened by a top NASA scientist. As I watched this crime and him struggling to open the third layer of the package, Barney decides to explain an idea that he has. He says to me, “the electric bill went up by $30.00 each month.” I said, “oh, how come?” He said, “I guess they just wanted more money. I had a zero balance and the next thing I know they raised it.” He then looked at me for a second. I said, “What are you telling me?” he said, “Well, my father would say that it might be time to raise your renter’s fee.” I said, “No, I don’t think so. I’ll be gone so fast it’ll make your head spin.” He said, “Well, now all the utilities are costing me $200 a month.” I said, “And I only make so much money so when you decide to raise it let me know so that I can start looking for another place to go.” He said, “Well, it won’t be for awhile.” I said, “Let me know.” and walked away.

I pay $400 a month to live here and granted the utilities are included but when it comes down to it, I don’t even have heat back here. I have to use electric heaters to get warm. The fuckin ceiling leaks, the floor slants to the center, the yard looks like it belongs to a frikin red neck and he’s a slob so what the hell makes him think that it’s even worth $400 a month let alone more? The fuckin ceiling leaks every damn time it rains. The city is after him because he won’t clean up his damn yard or tear down his half burned garage filled with dead opossum bodies. Why does he think that it’s even worth $400 a month to live here? He needs to get a grip. After all the cleaning up after him that I do and all the putting up with his nastiness that I do now he wants to raise the rent too? I don’t think so. I just don’t think so. This is the only house on the block that looks like this too. My neighbors say that the best thing that happened here was the fire a few years back. Before the fire they say it was horrific.
I told him months back that if he raised the rent by a dollar I’d be gone. Wtf. I might have to blackmail him about this felony he committed today. Don’t make me pull out the big guns Barney!!!

Austin

Raise in Rent – He Needs to Get a Grip
Saturday, March 25, 2006
6:33 PM