The People Behind My Eyes

Friday, March 17, 2006
9:44 PMSleepy Vows
I have vowed to be in bed by midnight. Lord knows I don’t want to but in order to get better I have to. It seems that sleep is an important factor to keep living. Although it was touch and go today things seem to have settled down for me. I took some meds for the headache, had meatballs and spaghetti then watched The Legend of Zorro. It was better than the first one! I love these two movies. And who doesn’t love some Antonio Benderas? She’s that man is fine, fine, fine! I probably missed half of what was said because the closed captions weren’t working right. That means I have to watch it again. Woe is me; I have to watch Antonio yet again. What is a girl to do?

Baggage Burdens: The break up and its triggers

http://www.letssingit.com/
I'm not your superwoman…I'm not the kind of girl (daughter or girlfriend) that you can let down,and think that everything is okay…Boy (Mama) I am only human…This girl (woman) needs more than occasional hugs as a token of love from you to me… I've got my pride (Morton’s Pride), I will not cry,….I’m not your superwoman.

Earlier was very touch and go. I had a fleeting thought; I might need to go in patient. It’ll be 3 years July 7th since I’ve gone IP.What’s been on my mind lately is that Mic is an asshole. I'd never kill myself over a man. That wasn’t the problem. It was the feeling of humiliation, the fact that I knew I'd been strung along and made a fool of. That pisses me off. This is the thing though, I know that this same feeling will pop up again in life. Its how it goes and I can’t stop living because of it ya know? Again, it wasn’t because of the break up but because of how stupid I felt. One of the biggest problems with getting over the mother’s abuse is that deep feeling of self resentment, for not being stronger, for not sticking up for myself more. When I dream about her hurting me I see myself as an adult, not as a child. It is humiliating to see myself being beaten that way or sexually abused that way. The truth is, I was 20 years old before the physical abuse stopped. The day I walked out is the day it stopped. In my dreams I see me as 5 foot 5 and being hurt by her. That feeling of humiliating is gripping and that’s when I want to pick up a knife and start slashing the fuck out of my arm…just to feel something other than humiliated. One part of my head says, hell Austin, you were first 3 when she started doing this to you. You have always known her as all powerful, able to hurt you mentally, physically, sexually. I’ve only known her as 5 foot 11. even though my body changed and got taller I still saw her as some huge force. Hell, she even told me to lie down and take it or fight like a woman and die. I know I was conditioned to fear her. The other part of me say, fuck it! Damn! You stupid fuck, why didn’t you just fucking fight her ass one damn time? This is what gets Morton. He doesn’t feel he did enough to keep us safe. When Morton feels humiliated someone gets hurt. Its just that we don’t ever want to feel that dominated and that powerless again. We don’t have to, I know. Mic being a jackass isn’t the same as our mother hurting us but anything close to the lowest level of humiliation triggers us. That one damn phrase she use to use, “don’t make a fool of yourself.” What the fuck ever! She always said we were a fool. When we felt anything we were called a fool. When we reacted to anything we were a fool. That frikin word, fool, that’s what I feel like thinking about Mic and his stupid ass. So, now I take a deep breath and think to myself, this is his loss.

When I was younger the family said that I have no heart. When my great-grandmother was dying none of the grandkids were allowed to go in and see her because they feared we would be too upset. One aunt said, “Let Duckie go in, she won’t be bothered by it.” My grandfather spoke up, “Don’t be fooled by her demeanor. She has more heart than you think.” I have heart. I always have. I’ve just kept it protected because there would be real fools that would come along and not see its worth.

Somehow I learned how to love. Even though that family, I learned how to love. When that knowledge was deepened it was taught to me by my dog Bull Dozer. It’s a shame that an animal had to teach me to love as a human but you know what? That lesson might not have been learned if a human were the teacher. I can’t say that I trust mankind now, but I trust enough to know that not everyone is a jackass. And when they are, I have to know that sometimes it’s not personal, it’s their flaw that gets in the way of true happiness. I can be settled at heart with that.

The ex-therapist asked what would break me and Mic up. I told her that it would be baggage. (http://sundripjournals.blogspot.com/2005/12/self-fulfilling-prophecy.html) At the time I wasn’t sure if it would be his or mine. One thing is for sure, how I decide to handle it and what I learn from it is up to me. I can be settled at heart with that too.

Austin's August