my goodness, there has been so much talking in my head lately. it's non-stop. It's always about the roommate or the now ex-boyfriend. mostly its ranting and raving. there aren't any threats of any kind it's just ranting and raving. then there's the part I hear many multiples do. it's like I'm having a whole dang conversation with them and they're not even here. like i'm practicing what i want to say to them the next time i see them. today i was sitting in the Jacuzzi (I am sooo blessed to have one) and the water was rumbling around me. i dunked my head so that the water was covering my ears and i realized i couldn't hear anything but the rumbling water. it was nice. very nice.right now i feel like i'm slipping into a depression and i want out of it. the boyfriend and I just broke up. I figured that it was time he stopped stringing me along so i told him that. he cried. i was silent. he talked some more and then i hung up. i talked to him like 3 times on the phone this month and i've not seen him in a little over a month. when i told him it was over like i said, he cried. then he said, "i'm sorry i couldn't make you happy." wtf movie is that from? so, today he's called twice! this is the man that i talked to 3 times this month and that is it. but i say it's over and he decides to call. lord! he doesn't seem to understand when I say it's over it's over, there is nothing he can say that would make me go back out with him.
the suicidal feelings dont have to do with the break up itself, it has to do with the way i feel so stupid for being played like that. it triggers mother issues ya know? I wanted to believe that things would be different.. ie like that woman said..but they weren't. now i feel stupid. i dont know if this is making any since at all. the feeling of wanting to end it all doesn't have to do with the breakup it has to do with me feeling humiliated and stupid.
we dont have a therapist right now to go and talk to. it's just us right now. all my friends are e-friends and ya know what? sometimes i just need someone in the same room with me to say, Austin, you're gonna get through this.
i know this is going to pass, it always does. i just fear my ability to simply give in and go. But I promise you this, I'll go IP before it gets close to me really considering this. Right now it's a feeling. If it becomes more than that I'll call someone and I'll go IP. Hell, my dog won't even eat if I'm not in the room so you know he wont eat if I'm dead. He gets to go to the hospital with me when I go so that's good.
Austin with tears
Today's Goals:
Completed
Bath, litter box is clean, furr baby's have eaten
Next to be completed:
Clean the office
play ball with Captain
dinner and re-visit Antonio Banderas via the Zorro DVD
Today's affermation:
I've progressed in therapy. There was a time when I would not have let myself feel this pain. I would have been too blocked to feel both joy and pain. I've moved forward in therapy and have grown. I'm on my way to healing.
It’s always sad when a relationship comes to an end. It’s annoying when we have to be the ones to say goodbye, when they don’t have the balls, so they just act accordingly to piss us off enough to bring the end. But when they CRY -after all the tears we’ve shed for them, it’s pathetic. Life does go on. And if he shapes up, then maybe it’ll work out. But if you are totally done, then just turn the page & go on & know we all love you out here in cyberland. It’ll be okay.
KMae