The People Behind My Eyes

Sometimes when I wake the way I did this morning, from a dream like the one I had this morning I wonder if this is the kind of life I was supposed to lead.Mrs.R* says that she can’t believe my mother was such a horrible person. She says that the mother is so well educated and has a good business sense, how could she possibly hurt her children. She says that the trips, the background, all of it makes no sense when you add to it severe and prolonged child abuse. It really burns me when people say that money and education make you a better person.

A friend of mine, rather, a person I use to know, said she knew wealthy children on drugs and she had no idea why they continued to do them when they got older. She said she thought maybe they were just experimenting but that they had bigger and better lives to lead so they should have just stopped taking heroin and lived the life they were destined to lead. I asked her if they could buy morality with money. She didn’t understand the question.

I talk about this hot tub here. I talk about watching DVD’s and joke about how horrible I am at gardening and keeping plants alive. Somehow through joking and talking about enjoying the hot tub I’ve managed to offend a few people. I guess that if I’m going to talk about living with DID I should stick to pain and only pain. My life is not solely DID and pain. I enjoy moments of “down time” the same as most people do. I think the biggest offense is the hot tub. I do talk about it a lot. You know what though? The place I moved from only had a shower and it was down half the time. I didn’t have a bath for 5 years until I moved here so hell yes I’m thrilled beyond belief that there is a hot tub here. It almost seems as if I was told to shut up and stop complaining about my life because after all I do have a measure of joy. It is a sad thing that some find no joy in life at all and in order to spread their inability to find pleasure in life they have to find journals and blast the authors. I shake my head in pity of you because if there was joy for you to find in life you are missing out on it while wasting time worrying about weather or not I should just be complaining about nightmares OR enjoying the hot tub.

It is sad to know that you feel so worthless and faceless or that you feel you count so little that you would come to one of millions of journals and then express to me just how much I need to get a grip and appreciate what I have. I decided to list what I appreciate:

• I appreciate that I have a decent head on my shoulders that allows me to turn my head from ignorance and keep my focus on my objective to heal.

• I appreciate that there are people that understand that life is not 100% pain with little or no joy.
• I appreciate good conversation based on ideas and opinions with any measure of validity.
• I appreciate my family of choice, my fur babies, my online community of friends and the friends I have in person with me.
• I appreciate the strength of my heart and character that allows me to brush off the ramped stupidity that rules so many unfortunate human beings.
• I appreciate humor and humility because without it I’d crumble and be as joyless as many other humans are.

The dream I had last night was of being chased by a bear with a baseball bat. That was quite strange, but what is more is how he got in a car and drove away with me hostage in the back seat. He was driving the speed limit down a high way that often finds itself in my dreams. We were talking casually but by this time he turned into some middle aged white guy. I wasn’t afraid. That is odd too because I did not know this man at all. The dream took an odd turn when he decided to take a short cut off the high way, over some grass and back onto the highway. The detour he took was unnecessary because if he’d driven for less than 30 seconds straight on the road he would have landed in the same spot. He chose to drive over the grass and put us both in danger. That didn’t make any since and neither did what he said next. He told me he’d been watching me for years and that I was part of an anti-crime program. He said he’d been reading my emails and the journal and tracking my every move so that he could report back to “headquarters” to let them know just how the average citizen moves about the world oblivious to the danger around them. The study was to see how the average person reacts in dangerous situations. He told me I failed 2 out of 3 times and then he dropped me off on the side of the street.The reason this dream was so disturbing was because last night I hung out with UK and her daughter and a neighborhood girl. The two young teens went to the mall to meet someone they met on the internet. He didn’t show. Evidently they met this 34 year old man in a teen chat room and decided to meet him at the mall. UK knew about only after she dropped the girls off but she still waited hours before picking them back up. I had no clue what was going on until I was in the car with them on the way home. I talked to them about how they were just having fun on the net but this man wasn’t playing at all. They didn’t understand. We dropped them off at the neighbor girl’s house and UK went back to life as if it were normal. It stands to reason that this little girl will one day have a journal about surviving both her stupid parents and surviving the world around her. God forbid anyone should ever know what kind of money she comes from because the sympathy for her will dwindle with each dollar counted.

Monday, March 27, 2006
12:55 AM