The People Behind My Eyes

On the news today ABC said that loneliness can cause blood pressure to increase by 30 points or higher, making loneliness as dangerous as obesity. The study on loneliness was conducted with participants 50 years old and up. A commercial came on later saying that there will be a walk at Military Park to raise money for the treatment of obesity. The commercial said that the main people in this state that are obese are children. Does this mean I’m a fat lonely young woman on the verge of heart disease?There was a time that I thought I’d rather be dead than to spend one more second alone. I the years I spent feeling so lonely were also the years I spent hopping from stress center to stress center. Maureen once said that she thought it was possible for her heart to stop due to lack of hope. Sometimes I wondered if she meant that we were a hopeless cause and that we’d always be alone. The things I use to do to avoid myself were both humiliating and extreme. The most extreme thing I’ve ever done to combat this feeling was pay a neighbor to sit and visit with me for one hour. After an hour of talking about nothing he took the $30 and went home. Some might think that was horrible of him but you know what? We pay people to visit our elderly and sick family members and we do not think of them poorly. They’re employees that come to your home and take care of someone you love. Did this man do anything differently than they would do? No.

I use to also collect animals. I thought the more animals I had the less alone I’d be. I wanted the sick animals that needed me, the young ones that were abandoned and the elderly ones that no one else wanted. I needed to be needed by something breathing weather it was human or another kind of mammal.

There was a time that my phone didn’t ring for 6 months straight. I would sit and hope to God someone would remember I was alive and call me. I made calls but I realized that I was making all the effort and getting nothing in return. I stopped calling and they never bothered to ring me either. I’d sit and wish that phone would ring until it hurt my pride so much to do so that I just had the phone disconnected. It was much easier to know the phone couldn’t ring than to know it could but wouldn’t. I can’t totally blame those that could have called but didn’t. These were the years that I was most manipulative. My borderline symptoms were raging back then and I was more high maintenance than I am now. As I hear it, borderlines are some of the hardest friends to keep. I think it was true about myself. Plus, when I did talk to people I talked non-stop. It felt like it had been years since I spoke to another person that I’d just talk and talk and talk. Being borderline I talked about things that were not really appropriate for a particular setting. I had few if any boundaries, those I did have and recognize I crossed repeatedly. I have to say I was hard to socialize with because of this. So, looking back I understand why the phone didn’t ring and why I sat in that apartment alone. Looking back and understanding doesn’t mean the loneliness felt any less intense and destructive.

It took a very long time before that level of loneliness faded. I can’t remember exactly when it got better because it was so gradual. I don’t feel anywhere near as lonely as I use to feel.

Since I moved here to this house I’ve fallen back into that old grip of loneliness. Even though it’s not as strong I do remember how it felt and I fear it. This problem was anticipated when I moved though so it’s not something that’s just out of the blue with a sucker punch. At the old apartment building I didn’t really have much alone time. I had 12 neighbors that I acted as “support buddy” for. I brought in my neighbor when he stood out in the rain with nothing but shorts and socks on. I talked to my neighbor when she was going through chemo. I ran to the store for a shut in down the hall. Basically, I had a purpose there and I was always trying my best to help someone. Sometimes it felt like there was too much to be done with 12 people let alone the other 144 residents in the building. I was only “buddy” to 12 of them but it seemed as if I had the neediest 12 of all. But still, I was needed and that in itself made all the difference. Heck, there was very little time to be lonely. My phone rang off the hook from sun up to sun down and way into the early morning hours. Then of course there was Captain to care for and myself, my home and everything that went along with that. I knew that when I moved my interaction with others would decrease significantly. I knew I’d feel lonely again and bored out of my mind again.

It is not uncommon for me to pace the floors here, ringing my hands, thinking to myself that I’ve got to get out of this house. Then I feel ashamed that when I see UK or other friends that all I do is talk at a hundred miles per hour. I feel ashamed that I’m lonely.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006
5:04 AM