The People Behind My Eyes

I went to my appointment today to see the new therapist. Getting there was quite rough. On the way there I was so anxious that I thought I might need to ask the driver to pull over so I could vomit. I was both nervous and exhausted but I was nauseous because of how she was driving. I felt every turn and bump as if there were no shocks or anything on that little bus. At first I thought I might have to reschedule because the driver couldn’t find my house. I thought she left me so I was really flipping out. When she finally did get to my house I was little and scared. I had Captain with me but it seemed to take forever to get grounded again. He was very helpful though and I appreciated it. I was also running on no sleep and had just walked in the house from walking trails with UK. (((The picture is of the trails by the university that we walked today. I had the cam. I’m happy I did. And of course there are just a few art effects on the shot. It was a rainy day for the most part but I’m happy we got out there))) I haven’t done that in so long. It was wonderful. So, by the time I got home I had about 20 min before the little bus thingie came. Like I said, she couldn’t find the house and I thought she left me. When I finally got to the office my first thought was, dear God don’t let the doctor be who I think it is. I was happy to find out that it wasn’t Dr. JC Jr. He was a horrible doctor back then and lord knows I didn’t want to see him. I never did see him, I just knew a few patients of his. Anyway though, the building is familiar and so are the surroundings. As a matter of fact the dog park Captain belongs to is right around the corner so this location should work out just fine.When I went in of course Cap drew immediate attention. The fact that he is well behaved drew even more. He sat very still and was a perfect gentleman. He’s my little sweetheart. When I filled out the papers I had to try and remember what my name is. I wasn’t sure of the date or the year. Each time the forms asked for that information it took quite a bit to recall it. When it asked for my address I had to ask inside. My brain wasn’t working right because of how tired and dissociative I was but truthfully, when it comes to basic information like my name and address my “blank” reaction is standard.

A lot of people decide if they like an office setting by the first people they see, the secretaries. If I were a person given to appearances I would have walked out of that office. I didn’t think either one of the secretaries were professional on the phone at all. I come from a professional family so that was the first thing I noticed when I observed their office interactions. My second impression of them was kindness and personable, these two qualities together more than made up for what I thought was a lacking. I don’t know what their quality of work is but when it came to making me feel comfortable they certainly aced it.

When a person goes into a new situation I think it is natural that they seek out someone they can kind of cling to or connect with. of all people for me to have a slight connection with was the black receptionist. The fact that she is black gave off warning bells. She looks nothing at all like my mother but an older black woman for me is a trigger. She seemed so nice though. When it was time for me to wait for my ride she was very kind to me. I appreciated it. My head wasn’t on right and I appreciated the help. It was nice.

I talked to the new therapist for whatever amount of time I was there. I have no clue how long the appointment was. I know I switched at least once. I figured I would because when I’m really tired with no sleep one particular little one finds her way to the surface. She likes to hide her eyes under the baseball cap. She did that several times. The good thing is, Morton didn’t get any bad vibes off the guy. We were all very comfortable with him. We are to call tomorrow to set up another appointment and to get in with a pdoc. I hope this works out because he seems like he could be very helpful.

One thing I forgot to ask him was if he has enough time to take on my case. I know he is accepting new patients but I needed to ask him if he has enough time to take on a client with DID. Since my head wasn’t really there that question didn’t get asked. I think for the moment we were just sizing him out but to tell you the truth we were comfortable the moment we saw him. it goes back to my first impression of the secretaries, I judged him on appearances, tone of voice, the way he walked and the way he held his head when he walked, his eye contact, the colour of clothing he wore and the way he wore his hair. What I was looking for in a therapist was exactly the opposite of what I expect in a secretary. I was very pleased that he is soft spoken and calm. Lord knows I don’t need an therapist with high energy that bounces off the walls and what not. I liked the furniture in his office. It wasn’t those horrible chairs like at way too many therapy rooms I’ve been in. the chair kind of let me hide a bit. I need that from time to time. Ah, and the room is big enough for all 3 of us without having to move furniture around. The offices at the Med Center are friggin closets. This man has an office for God’s sake, an office big enough for me, him, the dog, a little office sofa, a chair, his desk and a nice size book shelf with toys. I hate to run the issue of bright colours into the ground (I say on this journal that I’m not one for colours) but his office wasn’t too bright and it wasn’t too bland. He said he treats mostly children but when I looked at his office I didn’t see a kindergarten room with kid’s paintings on the walls and things. Those pictures are disturbing to me, triggering.

I am going to have abandonment issues with this gentleman. Today I thought he was passing me on to another therapist in the office and I immediately felt myself get sad, like he’d given up on me already and was passing me off to someone else. I felt myself sink and that is quite new to feel right off the bat. I think that I’m really at the end of my rope with therapists. The whole ride through therapy has been long and rocky. Going into the office today felt like a hopeless act of desperation. I just wanted to break down and say, “Someone help me please.” I want someone to treat me. I want someone with a measure of stability in their life, someone with skill and confidence, someone that doesn’t have anything to prove, someone that has a good therapeutic style that they’ve tweaked to a reasonable high. I want a therapist that doesn’t jump all over the board but that has direction and ….I just realized, heck, I want a coach. I use to think the word coach associated with therapy was rather silly but now that I think about it, a coach seems different than a therapist. A therapist says they’re in the healing “game” with you but in reality, they’re not. A football coach for instance is on the side lines. They’re not passing, kicking, catching or getting sacked but they can help the players learn how to either do these things better or avoid getting sacked all together. They know they aren’t inside the game, they’re on the side lines observing your movements and later showing you what you did well and what you could do to better so that next time you get more yardage or make the touchdown without getting tackled and thrown down. I don’t know, maybe that’s just semantics but right now it seems to make sense.

When I got on the little bus to come home some Rastafarian guy with one of those reggae hats was driving. He didn’t say anything at all. He smiled at me with a mouth full of teeth, there must have been a hundred of ‘em…but he didn’t say anything at all. He had a phone to his ear the whole time but again, I never heard him say a single word. By the time I got on the bus I’d been up for 2 days. I fell asleep on the way home. When he pulled up to my house he woke me up. When I got up to leave he said, “bye little bear.” Mr. Rastafarian spoke! It was the sweetest thing. The man said not a word the whole 45 min I was on the bus but when I got up to leave he said, “bye little bear.”

The day has truly been a long and strange one. I was supposed to do an odd job but that didn’t pan out. I ended up walking trails with UK and hitting 2 food pantries. I saw the new therapist even thought it looked like I might not get there due to transportation issues. I was nicknamed “little bear” and then I finally, finally got a few hours of sleep. Somewhere between sleeping and now I managed to get a bit of house cleaning done. I’m ready to go right back to bed.

Austin’s August

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 2:41 AM