The People Behind My Eyes

What doesn’t kill us only makes us linger6:00 PM
I don’t know how I’ve kept breakfast and lunch down. It feels like its going to come right back up. The first bite of breakfast wasn’t working. I couldn’t even finish it. The first bite of lunch I knew my stomach wasn’t going for it.

It got up to 70 degrees today. I worked with UK, came home and cleaned in the yard, did a bit of work inside the house and now I’ve got to lay down. I was going to try and stay up but I’ve got to lay down. Tomorrow she and JB are going back over there. I can’t say that I want to because it didn’t really feel like I did anything. I don’t know… I'm one of these people that has good physical strength but I need a lot of guidance. In culinary school the chef use to say to me, “go find something to do.” That didn’t work for me at all. I need to be given an assignment, heck you can tell me to do ABCD and when that’s done then finish E thru J and I’ve got no problem doing it. But if you say to me “find something to do” then I fumble and I get scared that I'm going to fuck something up. I'm going to finish this in a bit. I’ve got to lay down. I’ve been up since 11pm yesterday evening. I went out there and work again after not sleeping. I got I think 4 hours after I got home yesterday but I’ve been up since 11 last night. I'm hungry for some veggies.

2:08 AM
Picking up where I left off about work:
Maybe it’s odd that I have to be given an assignment and then I can complete it well but if you just tell me to do something I'm lost. I know very well it goes back to worrying that I’ll do too much or too little. When I was a kid I followed instructions to a T, it’s what kept the severity of the beatings down. I got hit anyway there was just less to get hit about if I did exactly what she said, no more and no less. I can not seem to break away from that line of thinking. I would like to but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I'm a good worker with a lot of physical strength. I can work unsupervised if you tell me what you want me to do and then leave! I do not work well with the supervisor in the room with me. I just don’t.

Working the past few days has been a little much for me. Today’s anxiety attack was kinda wild. The gentleman is kind of open about the abusive past and that didn’t help much either. The stories were in detail and I could tell by the look on his emotionally warn face that he’s not been able to heal from much of it. It makes me sad to see him hurt so much and to know that people take advantage of his kindness. This man deserves to find someone that will love him deeper than he has ever been loved before. He deserves it and I hope beyond hope that he finds that person. I have to wonder though, when he finds him or her will he try to buy their love or will he understand that true love is the only truly free thing there is. After all he has done for people and continues to do, after all that he offers the community just to be so unappreciated and unsupported in life in nothing short of a crime. But again, it was hard to be there with him knowing that he’s in a serious amount of emotional pain that might not ever be treated properly.

I don’t know if working the last 3 days has been what caused the anxiety attack and the subsequent collapse or if it was all the triggers, the lack of sleep, the lack of food and mismanaged meds. Whatever the problem is or was, I haven’t handled it well.