Monthly Archive for March, 2006

Page 2 of 8

Sometimes when I wake

Published on March 27, 2006 in Soapbox. 0 Comments

Sometimes when I wake the way I did this morning, from a dream like the one I had this morning I wonder if this is the kind of life I was supposed to lead.Mrs.R* says that she can’t believe my mother was such a horrible person. She says that the mother is so well educated and has a good business sense, how could she possibly hurt her children. She says that the trips, the background, all of it makes no sense when you add to it severe and prolonged child abuse. It really burns me when people say that money and education make you a better person.

A friend of mine, rather, a person I use to know, said she knew wealthy children on drugs and she had no idea why they continued to do them when they got older. She said she thought maybe they were just experimenting but that they had bigger and better lives to lead so they should have just stopped taking heroin and lived the life they were destined to lead. I asked her if they could buy morality with money. She didn’t understand the question.

I talk about this hot tub here. I talk about watching DVD’s and joke about how horrible I am at gardening and keeping plants alive. Somehow through joking and talking about enjoying the hot tub I’ve managed to offend a few people. I guess that if I’m going to talk about living with DID I should stick to pain and only pain. My life is not solely DID and pain. I enjoy moments of “down time” the same as most people do. I think the biggest offense is the hot tub. I do talk about it a lot. You know what though? The place I moved from only had a shower and it was down half the time. I didn’t have a bath for 5 years until I moved here so hell yes I’m thrilled beyond belief that there is a hot tub here. It almost seems as if I was told to shut up and stop complaining about my life because after all I do have a measure of joy. It is a sad thing that some find no joy in life at all and in order to spread their inability to find pleasure in life they have to find journals and blast the authors. I shake my head in pity of you because if there was joy for you to find in life you are missing out on it while wasting time worrying about weather or not I should just be complaining about nightmares OR enjoying the hot tub.

It is sad to know that you feel so worthless and faceless or that you feel you count so little that you would come to one of millions of journals and then express to me just how much I need to get a grip and appreciate what I have. I decided to list what I appreciate:

  • I appreciate that I have a decent head on my shoulders that allows me to turn my head from ignorance and keep my focus on my objective to heal.
  • I appreciate that there are people that understand that life is not 100% pain with little or no joy.
  • I appreciate good conversation based on ideas and opinions with any measure of validity.
  • I appreciate my family of choice, my fur babies, my online community of friends and the friends I have in person with me.
  • I appreciate the strength of my heart and character that allows me to brush off the ramped stupidity that rules so many unfortunate human beings.
  • I appreciate humor and humility because without it I’d crumble and be as joyless as many other humans are.

The dream I had last night was of being chased by a bear with a baseball bat. That was quite strange, but what is more is how he got in a car and drove away with me hostage in the back seat. He was driving the speed limit down a high way that often finds itself in my dreams. We were talking casually but by this time he turned into some middle aged white guy. I wasn’t afraid. That is odd too because I did not know this man at all. The dream took an odd turn when he decided to take a short cut off the high way, over some grass and back onto the highway. The detour he took was unnecessary because if he’d driven for less than 30 seconds straight on the road he would have landed in the same spot. He chose to drive over the grass and put us both in danger. That didn’t make any since and neither did what he said next. He told me he’d been watching me for years and that I was part of an anti-crime program. He said he’d been reading my emails and the journal and tracking my every move so that he could report back to “headquarters” to let them know just how the average citizen moves about the world oblivious to the danger around them. The study was to see how the average person reacts in dangerous situations. He told me I failed 2 out of 3 times and then he dropped me off on the side of the street.The reason this dream was so disturbing was because last night I hung out with UK and her daughter and a neighborhood girl. The two young teens went to the mall to meet someone they met on the internet. He didn’t show. Evidently they met this 34 year old man in a teen chat room and decided to meet him at the mall. UK knew about only after she dropped the girls off but she still waited hours before picking them back up. I had no clue what was going on until I was in the car with them on the way home. I talked to them about how they were just having fun on the net but this man wasn’t playing at all. They didn’t understand. We dropped them off at the neighbor girl’s house and UK went back to life as if it were normal. It stands to reason that this little girl will one day have a journal about surviving both her stupid parents and surviving the world around her. God forbid anyone should ever know what kind of money she comes from because the sympathy for her will dwindle with each dollar counted.

Monday, March 27, 2006
12:55 AM

Companies Don’t Care About Customers Anymore!

Published on March 25, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments

All I’m saying is that maybe these companies should put better warning labels on their products such as, “Espresso and Mountain Dew should not be consumed in the same day.”

 

Ps. You can have a hang over from too much of this mix.

He Has Lost His Damn Mind

Published on March 25, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments

Okay so Barney is in the kitchen wrestling with some package his father sent him through the mail. As I watched this felony via the mail unfold it became clear that his father is one of these people that wraps a tiny item inside three packages that can only be opened by a top NASA scientist. As I watched this crime and him struggling to open the third layer of the package, Barney decides to explain an idea that he has. He says to me, “the electric bill went up by $30.00 each month.” I said, “oh, how come?” He said, “I guess they just wanted more money. I had a zero balance and the next thing I know they raised it.” He then looked at me for a second. I said, “What are you telling me?” he said, “Well, my father would say that it might be time to raise your renter’s fee.” I said, “No, I don’t think so. I’ll be gone so fast it’ll make your head spin.” He said, “Well, now all the utilities are costing me $200 a month.” I said, “And I only make so much money so when you decide to raise it let me know so that I can start looking for another place to go.” He said, “Well, it won’t be for awhile.” I said, “Let me know.” and walked away.

I pay $400 a month to live here and granted the utilities are included but when it comes down to it, I don’t even have heat back here. I have to use electric heaters to get warm. The fuckin ceiling leaks, the floor slants to the center, the yard looks like it belongs to a frikin red neck and he’s a slob so what the hell makes him think that it’s even worth $400 a month let alone more? The fuckin ceiling leaks every damn time it rains. The city is after him because he won’t clean up his damn yard or tear down his half burned garage filled with dead opossum bodies. Why does he think that it’s even worth $400 a month to live here? He needs to get a grip. After all the cleaning up after him that I do and all the putting up with his nastiness that I do now he wants to raise the rent too? I don’t think so. I just don’t think so. This is the only house on the block that looks like this too. My neighbors say that the best thing that happened here was the fire a few years back. Before the fire they say it was horrific.
I told him months back that if he raised the rent by a dollar I’d be gone. Wtf. I might have to blackmail him about this felony he committed today. Don’t make me pull out the big guns Barney!!!

Austin

Raise in Rent – He Needs to Get a Grip
Saturday, March 25, 2006
6:33 PM

Strange Garden

Published on March 25, 2006 in For the Record. 2 Comments

I bet gardeners are peaceful people. You ever seen a gardener turned serial killer? Nope, you don’t. You ever see a stalker turn to gardening? Nope, not unless it’s in front of the window of his peeping interest. People with dirt under their nails and in serious need of a manicure are actually people we should aspire to emulate. Then of course there’s me and my strange garden, where plants go to die. I saw some beautiful plants at Target one time but I swear I heard one of them say, “oh damn, isn’t that Austin? Act like you’re already dead!” the little bud beside him exclaimed, “I thought she was just an urban legend?” I realized that these plants were too beautiful just to take them home and kill them. The big bud god’s answered the hysteric prayers of their green subjects and I left them there. “That was close” said the little bud. A lonely tear fell down my face ‘cause I knew it was true, I almost killed yet another plant. With my head low, I shuffled along to the cooking isle where I belonged, leaving behind the lawn and garden department and my pride.

It would be a few years before I’d have my hand at planting again but I’ll never forget the fear in little buds voice as he cried out to big leaf above for protection from this green- thumber. Dare I say I have a green thumb when the green is actually gangrene? I couldn’t keep a plant alive if my life depended on it. The plants I buy die minutes after I bring them in my house. I think they sense the smell of plants that died before them … that smell of death sticking to the walls and the stench clinging to fake leaves of the artificial plants. It’s sad when you think about it really. Real gardeners, on the other hand, are some of the best people on earth. It seems they have an appreciation for the fragile and the beautiful, which usually they are one in the same. They work with the ground to make it healthy for life and that has got to feel good. I have the kiss of death on my thumb but still this new go around at strange garden has produced little sprouts of basil and lavender. Have I gotten a glimpse of what it feels like when a real gardener has successful growth? Did my smile gleam half as brightly as that of an accomplished “earth turner”? Maybe I could never touch that kind of green joy but my own was certainly a pleasure welcome. I was thrilled beyond expectation.

There is such a feeling of accomplishment even though all I did was dump a package of seeds into a bucket of dirt and an empty glass bottle. But man, I had so much riding on those half price seeds. I don’t know why it seemed so important that these things grow this time. Despite my dark past, there are signs of life in these make shift nurseries. I’m so proud of them. The roommate drove by the window the other morning and I know he thought I was out of my mind. The sun wasn’t shining but if the little buds could feed off the joy radiating as I smiled over them then they would have instantly grown 10 feet tall. My roommate must have been blinded by the big cheese smile I had on my face. He doesn’t say much about my strange behaviors. He better not if he knows what’s good for him.

I think what real gardeners do for the earth is limitless. They may have their little corners of beauty but the garden groups and clubs they belong to stretch across the earth. That means there are flowers planted in corners we never even thought of so that these corners can potentially become that perfect resting spot for a mind in need of quick retreat. Maybe one day this dark cloud will lift and I’ll plant a garden I can be proud of. I might even aspire to join a gardening club. For now I’ll sit in my strange garden on the stone walk lined with citronella candles and silk trees placed Feng Shui style, sipping half empty glasses of sun burned tea with the smell of menthol cigarettes burning beside me. Somewhere between the tea and the menthol

I’ll bend to pray the strange garden prayer.

 

O lord of plants that do not die

Savior of buds and leaves that turn their attention to your greatness

Let them live!

In your infinite power, let them live!

Joan of Arc, on the wrong side of sanity

 

Puss N Boots

Published on March 24, 2006 in Pets. 1 Comment

This girl is out of her mind. she found that her entire head will fit into an old pair of boots that Mama spiked with catnip. How terrible of me!

The doc called earlier today and told me to come back in for more tests. It’s never good when the doc calls YOU after the first set of tests and then says, hey, we need you back in here ASAP. I didnt realize that ASAP was 10 days from now but okay then. I’m supposed to go to the hospital tomorrow with UK but I doubt that she will even go. I’m not sure what’s going on with her right now. I have my suspicions but they’re just that..I have no proof so ya know, what can I say?

It’s been a decent day, I can’t complain. The roommate not only did the dishes but he also took the trash out. I was stunned and appreciative. He even brought me home a HUGE thing of peanut butter. Someone gave it to him and told him if he knew of anyone that would want it then they could have it. Yeah, I have peanut butter. This means I have to make cookies. Yeah for cookies.

I watched The Village, played with the dog, shots pics of the dog and the cat and did some laundry. nothing much else. I could use a good book. I’ve got to get out to get one. It looks like winter is going to milk it for all its worth because tomorrow is more snow. one good thing is that I got out and replaced that nasty Starbucks coffee. I have Folgers now so when that snow starts coming down again I’ll just brew and watch TV. That’s the plan.

Aussie 12

In The News

Published on March 24, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments
In The News
Friday, March 24, 2006
2:44 AM

This is an upper working class neighborhood. We aren’t rich or poor, just somewhere in the middle. A few years back, just a few streets over, an officer, a family man, was killed by a gunman who opened fire on a regular everyday American street. He opened fire with an AK-47. No one really knew what to think or say except, “this type of thing doesn’t happen here.” This week in the city a man shot his wife and attempted to kill himself, he lived as did the child that watched his mother murdered. That child now joins the other 4 children in the city who in the last 2 months witnessed their parents killed while they watched.

My friend says that she doesn’t know what’s happening to the world. She says everyone has gone crazy and no one cares about anyone anymore. I just look at her and I wonder what on earth she talking about. My neighbor down the street says that the world is unjust and that there is no love anywhere. I also wonder what she is talking about. The neighbor directly next door says that the world is a dangerous place and that it is best that we know our neighbors because you never know who or what has moved next door to you. He says that is why he hounded me so much when I first moved in. He said he wanted to know me because people “just up and snatch kids anymore.” Again, I don’t understand his concern for the world and the condition it’s in.

All three of these people have one thing in common: drugs. How can anyone see anything for what it really is when they’re looking through the fog of crack cocaine or any other kind of substance that controls your every thought day in and day out? How do you actually know what is going on in the world when you only see it when you look up from a pipe?

For some reason it’s easier to point a finger at the man that killed his family than it is to realize that what you put in your system day in and day out is slowly killing your own. The man in the news put a gun to his wife and ended her life right then and there, but these 3 people put the lives of their families on the line day in and day out and do not see the correlation. The 5 newly orphaned kids will grieve their parents and will have one hell of a life to rebuild but the kids that live with active drug users have yet to be given a chance to grieve. It sickens me when I see how they live and go about as if everything is fine. They’re homes are nice, their jobs are good and they appear to fit right into the ideal American family picture. The truth is, they’re a tragedy waiting to happen. And as we know, it only takes one house to put your neighborhood on the news.

Forgiveness Again- This is over

Published on March 22, 2006 in For the Record. 3 Comments


Forgiveness Again!I have to walk away from this subject, for me I have to walk away from this.

The truth is, there is still a part of me that believes the abuse was my fault and that there as something, anything I could have done to make things better. What I’m writing right now is about me okay, I’m talking about why I the very word “forgiveness” upsets me. If something really gets to me I have to ask myself why? And for me, the bottom line is, I wonder if there was something I could have done or not done to make life better for me. And maybe, just maybe I really am the horrible person that woman said I am. And maybe, just maybe if I do forgive them I’ll find out that it really was all me and had I just forgiven them years ago I could have gotten to the real root of the problem and – ME.

What happens if I wake up tomorrow and find out that I’m the problem and that I’ve put my mother through all this shit and ruined her life? What happens if I wake up and find out that I’m the one that needs forgiveness? This self doubt is nothing but haunting. So that is why I become infuriated when I hear that word forgiveness. I want to believe in my heart that the problem wasn’t me but deep down I have to wonder.

I want to yell at the top of my lungs, stop pressuring me about this situation. What do people want me to say! For the love of God what do they want me to say? My God!

I think my mind is at the point of falling apart. I feel so damn heavy right now, so damn heavy. I want this to all just go away, I really do. I want to wake up tomorrow and have everything be okay. I don’t want to keep doing this. I just don’t. And I want people to leave me the fuck alone. The 28th can’t get here fast enough. That’s when I have an appointment with the new therapist. It can’t get here fast enough, not fast enough.

I’m not talking about this anymore and damn anyone that would ever have the audacity to broach the subject again! I feel like I need to vomit.

5:44AM

I new I wasn’t doing well so I called that stupid hotline tonight. I told her that I felt pressured by a few people (none on my groups or e-friends) to forgive my mother. Don’t you know the woman at the hotline said, “well, it is important that you forgive her.” I hung up. I was furious! It was either cut, which I really wanted to do or get on the pc and go through a pack of cigs, some pepsi and a chocolate bar as i did PC art. So I came up with the sunflowers in a rainstorm. It’s now nearly 6am and I’m about to head for bed. I’m telling ya, I’m not talking about this anymore.

There is so much going through my head right now, with the break up, with Mrs.R* being sick and the things he came up with today about marrying some guy from her past that she hasn’t seen in years,…evedently he’s taking applications for wives and she’s applying. What the hell kinda crap is that. How do you just bring that up with someone…oh, by the way, i filled out an application to marry a man I use to know. His wife recently died and he is looking for another one. Like it’s some frikin job opening or something. my god! it is my hope that this is the alzheimers talking and that she really isnt going to apply to marry this man.. and my.. my roommate doesnt know how to clean shit and that is really getting to me. I dont like to be taken advantage of and that is exactly what he is doing. He knows I’ll clean so he doesnt. No one can be that damn dirty naturally. he had to go to school to learn how to live this dirty. Mic is a dick and there is nothing I want to say about that right now either. My neighbor is suicidal and I’m afraid she really is going to do it. Her kids are angry as hell, they’re about to lose their house, the utilities are turned off as of today and that is with 7 inches of fucking snow on the ground. This is too much right now, it’s just too fucking much. I gotta stop for tonight. I did eat dinner and I visited with UK a bit. I saw some of her childhood photos and man, it made me want to put a gun to my damn head. This girl had one hell of a childhood. It makes me think I went through nothing at all. Anyway, I’ve got to get calmed back down so I can get some sort of managable sleep. The coffee today was nasty as hell. It was worse than 3 day old coffee at White Castles. Lord, okay….deep breath, I’m good…what the fuck ever! Why did the coffee have to be nasty? Just tell me why of all things the only coffee I have in the whole damn house had to be that stupid ass Starbucks shit! I’ll have to sled over to V-P tomorrow for some Folgers!!! That was just the last damn straw, nasty coffee!! No matter what I put in it that shit was nasty!! Okay, I’m done!!! I’m goin’ ta bed. I have to throw my hands in the air right now! Just toss ‘em up!

 

I just have to wonder, is this shit real? The suicide hotline lady told me to forgive my mother and Mrs. R* is applying to marry some old man!! Am I going to wake up and someone goes, you had quite a long nap Aussie, are you ready for a nice lunch and some GOOD coffee? this is just wrong, it’s all so very wrong….

Joan of Arc, on the wrong side of sanity