It's been a few weeks that I've been dealing with the urge to toss my cookies. The nausia gets to me.
It seems that my family doc has been on vacation so my last blood test results have been stalled. I hope to find something out tomorrow. also, tomorrow is the REAL therapy appointment, not the fake one that tricked me into taking a cab to the therapists office as if I was supposed to be there. sheshhh… I was supposed to have gone to bed a few hours ago but I'm still up. Perhaps it's the smell of burned popcorn that is keeping me up. to add to the coffee mishap I burned a bag of popcorn. I'm telling you it's gonna be one of those weeks. But, it's this kind of stuff that adds flavor to life. What would happen if I didnt have the partial nudity to balance out the total stupidity? I'd be crazy stupid like … them. When that coffee hit my shirt I didnt even flinch but I thought to myself, I've got to do a journal entry about this.
on a serious note, I came so dang close to self injury, closer than I've been i a long time. I seem to be able to talk myself down anymore. it didnt use to be this way. before i'd just start cutting but now i can seem to talk myself down. one of the huge reasons i didnt cut yesterday evening was because Sg was here. The day before that when the shit first hit the fan with that group I didnt cut because I couldtn justify hurting myself because someone else hurt me. I was completely maxed by the whole thing. I was upset with myself for seeing what these people were doing. I could see that they were being defiant and needlessly aggressive. I could see that when I called them on what they did they responded to today with yesterdays coping and communication skills. I kicked into my stupid analyzing thing that I do. I was observing their behavior. I saw them treat today like they were still a child. They used old skills that dont work and I could see that. It didnt make me feel better but I still did recognize that some of what they were doing was old issues type stuff. It angered me that I would even consider their behavior and try to understand it when I was the one who was offended. I hate it when I do that. I really do. Anyway though, I didnt cut because I couldnt justify it. How can I say that these people didnt have the right to do what they did and then turn around based on emotions from that situation and then hurt myself? I would have been guilty of what they were doing…using the old to handle the new. it doesnt work. i guess this reasoning both helps me and hurts me. I think sometimes I give too much room to people but that same "skill" helps me keep myself in check. is that what they call a double edge sword? Anyway, I refused to respond to the present with coping skills from the past that have proven not to work.
I left that group earlier today. I figured I'd had enough. The last 2 days my head has been swirling. I did end up doing something constructive. I did a little reaching out and assisted a friend with something that she needed to get done. That felt good. It felt like a good grounding tool, to kinda get my feet back down planted well and help someone and make a small difference. It was nice. I'm proud of that.
I think Morton handled things well. The fact that he never cursed at them doesnt surprise me. the fact that he never yelled at them scares me. When Morton appears to be calm that is when things get dangerous for the person he should be cursing at. When he isnt cursing and yelling then it means he's not blowing hot air. He's not interested in meeting you half way anymore. the cursing is shut the other person up, to bluff them into backing down so he doesnt have to get quiet. he is not a violent person as violence goes. he is protective when there is a huge threat to us, where people seem to really just act in a cruel and vicious way Morton steps up to handle it. Like I said, he'll try reason first, then he'll start the cursing then he'll get quiet. We never want to get to phase 3. I'm telling ya, we dont ever want to go there. the physical strength this man has blows me away. one time at the hospital when a nurse told us that we needed to put up with another patient touching our hair even when we didnt want him to…well, that sent Morton off. He didnt hurt anyone. as a matter of fact he went into hospital room (they tend to give us one to ourselves) but he went into the room, closed the door and ripped the doors off the closets. he overturned the bed and left the chair looking like match sticks. He's not into hurting people unless they really want to physically or sexually hurt us. when he's really angry he'll find a way to release it like at the hospital. usually he can curse enough to make people think twice. i'm babbling now but the point is, the vicious, blatant, i'll hurt you if i want to attitude that group displayed made Morton quiet. The littles were tucked away so they didnt have to hear all that was going on. And when Morton felt he wasnt going to even deal with it anymore he closed the door. i'm happy they were not in our face at the time.
sometimes old issues come rushing in. we could have possibly seen our mother purposely being cruel. sometimes in situations where a person is hurting another person just because they can the recipient of it might be so angry that they'd tend to physically become violent. for us, we often fear throwing a punch at all because there is a strong possibiity that what comes out will be 34 years of anger. we'd be pounding and maybe even yelling, you will never hurt me again. and truthfully, if we yelled that it would have nothing to do with the current situation. so for us, hitting is something that is just off limits unless someone physically assaults us. i'm babbling again. now that we've kicked that group to the curb there will be all this purging of emotion from all three protectors. I'm the 3rd of the three. the thing is, Joan might feel differently than I do and Morton might feel differently about it but one thing is for sure, Morton's Pride isn't filled with pussy cats. Maybe I'm only lower level management in the Pride because of my attitude and sarcasm. I dont know. Joan seems to be much more reasonable. anyway though, I can tell there are a lot of us that need to say a few things. Right now the littles are still tucked away. It's not just the right time for them to come around again. It'll be a few before that happens. They've seen enough, they've been through enough. This is why we have a heierarchy…for those who dont have the strength to handle stuff like this they dont have to. they dont have to try and come up with the ability to handle it. they can set aside and know that this will get taken care of and then they can go on and do what they need to do to get better.
our heirarchy has to do with what amount of pressure an alter can take. the more pressure they can take the higher up they are. it has nothing to do with who counts more than the other, it has only to do with who can handle what. its like a government. it's chain of command. when the biggest decisions have to be made in a country the underlings seek the advice of the president. that's what it's like in Morton's Pride…only we'd never sell our borders to anyone at all. Dont get me started on Bush.
gotta go,
Destiny
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