The People Behind My Eyes

No Punches

Friday, April 21, 2006-1:51 AM

One of the major reasons we would have needed to go IP after defending ourselves is because of the guilt of having to hit someone. We know how it feels to be on the other end of a fist. We can’t do it. Heck, they may deserve it but for us, we can’t do it. It makes us feel so sad inside because it’s like…it’s like beating ourselves up. It’s like, heck I know what it feels like on the other end but I'm doing this anyway….i think I'd feel every punch that I landed the same as I felt them land on me when I was a kid. Self defense is a legal term but what I'm talking about is an emotional turmoil that would drive us to the crisis center for an extended stay. The guilt of hurting another person, of seeing them cover their head or try to get away…hell, id see me. I'd see my face and I'd see me as a little girl, as that scared little girl…I'd know I was hurting another human being and making them feel the feelings I felt back then. The feelings from back then are heavy. They are humiliating, leave guilt and shame…its all lasted for years. Why on earth would I want anyone to feel that kind of embarrassment, fear, pain, humiliation for even a second? So that is the problem I have with hitting. One, I might not stop on my own. I might lose myself and take out my past on the person who drove me to violence. I fear the built up anger inside me. I fear it enough that I avoid raising my fist at all costs.

My littles are worried right now. We can see ourselves in our aunt’s house with her standing over us punching down. We were tucked in a corner with her standing over us punching at us. She never actually hit us but she backed us into a corner in her room and punched at us.

I'm afraid of triggers like this. I'm afraid of what’s inside.

I feel like I should say that while Morton does curse a lot and while Morton will protect us he is not a violent man.

Right now I feel like cutting. Maybe when I went to see Mrs.R* and shared what little energy I had the joy she got from the visit gave me enough to of a charge that I was able to not totally lose it today and pick up anything to hurt myself with. I’ve always said that if you share even a little bit what you get back will be more than the little you gave. If I hadn’t gone over to visit the two guys at the other nursing home lot while Sg filled her script and had I not visited Mrs.R* and done something positive outside of myself there is a possibility that when that idiot jumped in my face today there would have been very little inner strength to draw from. I might be flat on my back right now, emotionally speaking I mean.

The other day I was wondering to myself, why do people say anything and everything to me? Why do they cross boundaries and act stupid. Some of them are stupid but I came to the conclusion that the majority of people that have crossed boundaries are people I’ve had long conversations with or conversations about abuse issues and things. They’re people that have told me they think I have a lot of strength and what not. It is my conclusion that since I am very open on this journal others think they can be open and tactless. I think my openness appears to be an invitation for them to be inappropriate. The last person on that egroup that used that racial slur seemed very comfortable crossing that boundary. I wonder if my openness on the subject we were talking about made her think she could say anything she wanted to me. I know it’s not my fault that people don’t know how to be appropriate but I was wondering WHY ME? And then it hit me, maybe because for the most part I'm open and honest and others attempt to be open and honest and miss the mark. But again there are just stupid people out there that think they can say anything and everything. Either way, I don’t think my ability to communicate gives anyone permission to be stupid. Perhaps they are striving for a way to communicate an idea but they miss the mark by far and end up offending me. And since I journal so much then people to get to hear about all the stupid stuff that happens. Do I get picked on? No, not any more than others do I just scream about it on my journal so it appears that everyone is after Aussie when in fact they aren’t. My interactions with idiots are no greater or less I just put my stuff on the web so a wider audience gets to hear me complain. I just talk about mine more. Some of the crap is hilarious; some of its triggering but it’s all stuff that happens to other people too.