The People Behind My Eyes

He fixed the fence this morning but he’s giving me the cold shoulder. He hasn’t said even hello to me. He nothing at all. I’m okay with that.

I went to therapy. The session went well. I like her a lot. I’m impressed so far. So I was listing off all the things that happened, going through one thing after another like I was reading off some grocery list. I talked with no emotion what so ever. I then broke in and told her I knew I was doing this. She said she knew too and then asked me to use feeling words to describe the situation. I told her I felt stupid for being lied to for 5 damn years and not seeing through any of it. I told her I felt betrayed. What I didn’t expect was to say that I felt robbed. The night of my Independence Day he kissed me at 10:30 with a light rain around us. It felt like something out of a movie. I wrote about it. I was so happy. I called it a happy ending but that was all based on a lie. The man I kissed under the moon and with light rain falling on us on the most important anniversary date of my life kissed me with the same mouth he used to lie to me repeatedly. I felt robbed I told her. I felt robbed because he snatched up that good memory and drug t through the mud. How dare he do that? He could have given me some bullshit lie about needing to work. I’d have believed that lie like I did the others.

Mrs. R*:

I said I needed to try and save my emotional energy for myself but I decided to go ahead and see Mrs. R*. I know she’s going to be there awhile and I just couldn’t stay home. I thought I’d go for about 5 min, pop in and pop out. When Cappy and I walked in she was in the far corner of the dining room sleeping in her big ‘ol wheelchair. I walked up to her, she opened her eyes and when she realized it was me she had a huge smile on her face. I was happy I went. I like that toothless smile. She calls me “her girl.” She says, “ohhhh, how’s my girl?” I like to hear that. It’s sweet. Sg and I were there for no more than 15 min. We headed back to her house and hung out for a bit, came back to my place and hung out for a bit, went to the driveway and hung out for a bit. Heck, we even had a gossip session which was surprisingly fun. We went on and on about everybody. Did you know so and so did this and so and so’s boyfriend is doing this and that with this ho? It was funny. We never do that but for some reason we had a gossip session.

She’ll be here at noon tomorrow so that we can go and fill out the application for the apartment. I still haven’t gotten that info from UK about the church that might be willing to help me. To tell ya the truth, I’m willing to show up a month of Sunday’s and do some cleaning or maybe some filing to actually work to pay back the deposit money. I’ll let them know that too. It’s funny that having my own one bedroom apartment and paying a fixed amount on a light bill will cost me less than it does for me to live here.

Today Sg and I did some trading. I gave her my wide mouth toaster and she gave me her 4 cup coffee maker. I made her a little lavender cache and she gave me an electric cat toy for Gracie.

I suppose that I’ll have to wait before I go into the drama of what happened at her apartment building. It seems that drama follows me. it knows my forwarding address. It watches my every move so as not to ever lose me, stakes me out like the FBI stakes out the mob. But this drama included the police and a screaming idiot, Morton and Captain. I think the incident was so upsetting that it’s going to take a bit for me to actually get everything together in my head. My worry is that I won’t be able to remember it tomorrow. This kind of drama is why I moved out of that apartment building. I will not be back even to visit, not with that kind of crap that happened today. It was so bad that I ended up taking meds to calm down.