The People Behind My Eyes

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

12:07:03 AM

As expected JOB (Jack off Barney) went further into detail about how he’s not going to buy another lawn mower just for it to be stolen. He did something stupid; he turned around and walked away right in the middle of my sentence. He left the house. He basically dismissed me. That didn’t go over well. I felt myself lose it then snap back quickly. I snatched the door open and told him to answer my question. It’s not that I think I can’t be walked away from it’s that when there is a conversation and it gets too heated for me or the other person one of us should say, “I need to talk about this later.” But to simply walk away after saying this is your fault really doesn’t go over very well. The thing was, neither of us raised our voice. It wasn’t a heated conversation at all.

My God I felt the heat go from my feet to my head in flash lightening speed. I grabbed the door handle but before it was fully opened I realized how angry I was and got a grip. My God the man just fuckin walked away right in the middle of our conversation. So, after he proceeded to tell me just how much it was my fault that the friggin mower was stolen I decided to come back here and be true to my gender and ball my eyes out. OMG I was pissed, and triggered. He was carrying something I’d never seen him with before in all my 7 months of being here. He had 4 bottles of white wine. I’ve never seen him drink let alone seen him drunk but it still didn’t go over with me very well.

I realized that this just isn’t working, living here isn’t working. Then I thought, is it me? Is the problem me? When everything around you seems to crumble ya have to ask yourself, what am I doing to contribute to the break down? I asked myself this but between the snot rolling down my face, the tear stained shirt and the curse words along with “why can’t I just be good.” I realized that hell, in this situation it’s him. In this situation the problem is Barney! I decided to simply let it go for the night because there is nothing that can be done right now.

In therapy they tell you to find a nice place in your head to go to when things get too heavy. Well, for me, it is difficult to remember events or places, times and all that so I have to go back to my photos. When something happens today I have to write it down today because tomorrow, heck, an hour from now it’s going to be gone…just like when I as a kid all the information is going to seep someplace and I’ll not remember it until the information is worthless. I often wanted to tell my mother what my sister was doing to me but by the time the mother got home I couldn’t remember. I’d search my head but it just wouldn’t be there. Well, today when I needed a good place to go I knew my search results would be empty if I looked in my head so I looked on the computer for pictures of places I’ve been and things I’ve seen. I found the one where UK and I spent a rainy afternoon walking down the trails by the university.

When I took the photo I knew that I would end up putting art effects on it. The finished product reminds me of a painting I use to have. I hung it by my bed so I could go to sleep in paradise every night. When I close my eyes all the pictures are gone, all I see is stuff I’d rather not remember. I can’t even remember Captain’s face with my eyes closed. I don’t know what this apartment looks like when I close my eyes or when I’m outside in the yard I can’t picture what my bedroom looks like. If I’m not standing in front of it it’s just simply gone. Imagine that, I have two eyes but when I look away it’s like I never saw anything at all. My camera is my memory for things in the present. So when I needed to walk down memory lane I opened up my files and viola, the university trail. I “remember” it fondly.

Anna of Morton’s Pride