The People Behind My Eyes

8:38:45 PM

I’m sick of being sad. I’m sick of being tearful. I’m past ready for this to stop.

I feel like I’m disappointing people. Then of course the people inside are like, no you’re not it’s just that you’re not thinking right at the moment. But then I think about how I’ve not really supported anyone in a bit. I also know what I do in private. I know that in my own home my life is rather mad and chaotic…

Sometimes it gets hard to not talk out loud to myselves. Sometimes they’re like, if it helps just say it out loud. So I do, then it feel crazy. I know who I’m talking to. I know why I’m talking but it feels like I’ve lost touch with reality for a second. God I try hard to be sane but it seems I miss the mark by a long shot. If you need to scream then just scream don’t give yourself a friggin ulcer cause you can’t scream. If you need to cry then cry, don’t give yourself an ulcer because you won’t let yourself cry. Shut up, I’m tired of you crying. Why are you always so upset? Does anything ever happen right for you? The problem is you Austin, it’s you. It’s not you, not all of it. You’re disappointing people. You’re self centered. You’re a joke. People care about you Austin don’t listen to him, people care about you. They just want something. They haven’t said what but they want something. I can’t think right. How do I know what to trust or who to trust? Shut up! Just say it out loud, so I do, SHUT UP!!! I feel crazy sometimes.

I think about how I’m using Mic right now and how horrible I feel for doing it. When I went back to that old building and we had the manager call the police on us Mic ended up showing up to answer the run. He says we should sue them. He jumped the gun on this one. He called his lawyer and his lawyer called some other people and all of them are like, you should sue them. Well, I really don’t want to sue them. He keeps saying, I was so proud of how you handled this situation. Well, if you only knew I’m using your ass in response to how you fucked me over you wouldn’t feel so damn proud now would ya? I know what I’m doing is wrong. Part of me thinks it’s necessary to get what we need but the vast majority of me sees how wrong this is and can’t find any real reason to screw someone like this. If he tells me how proud of me he is one more damn time I just might vomit.

Speaking of vomit, I go back to the doc on Friday because I can’t stop vomiting and I have the opposite of constipation issues.

I think I am a bit tired of fighting so hard. Mic says that’s why we should sue because with that money we won’t have to worry about anything anymore. You know, I’d have a roof over my head, this is true. I’d have food, very, very true. He said we could stand on top of a hill and tell them to all eat cake. Well, ya know she did call the cops on us and tell me I couldn’t bring my service animal on the property. She wrote a letter stating that and used the term “service animal.” She was dead wrong; man she was dead wrong but to sue them over it? I don’t know about that. if there was blatant disregard for my safety okay, I can see suing. If the woman put her hands on me like I feared she was going to okay I can see taking further action. But I think I proved my point. And to tell ya the truth, me suing that company would be revenge for Mic not me. He hates those people; he hates the woman that called the police on me. this lawsuit would be more for him than for me. I just don’t see any reason to sue these people. I made my point by not simply walking away. Hell, if they think I’m suing then let them sweat. Maybe that’s revenge enough. But not for Mic, Mic says he wants to see that woman eat shit. Well, if he wants to serve it then so be it, but I’ve already been used by him once. At least this time I can see it a mile away instead of getting up close and getting smacked in the face.

Right now, laying down is on my mind. It doesn’t get this touch and go like this anymore unless I have PMS. The good thing is I know why I feel like this and I know that if I can get through the next 3 days or so that I’ll be back to my normal miserable self. I should make some coffee.

Anna-Maureen