The People Behind My Eyes

therapy was tearful and stressful. she said she would like for me to not write things for her in the journal but to tell her. i explained to her that when i get in her office, when i walk in the door my head is empty. I can't remember a thing. she said, can you write it down and bring it in. i said, thats what the journal is, it's writing. she said that all the emotions are going on the journal and arne't coming out in therapy. i told her, if i dont write it down it's gone. i might not get it back so the journal is a big, huge part of my recovery. she told me that it might be good to work on my memory. duh! well, right now what i can offer is the journal. we dont sit and read it word for word. i just need to pull it up and look at it so i can remember what i need to tell her.

she gave me the number to a woman's advocacy center. i'll make a phone call tomorrow to talk to someone that might be able to help me get out of here. she sounded really concerned about the level of stress here. one thing that worried me was that she didnt seem to remember that i told her that Barney was jacking off at his pc. i did tell her that. she asked me how i responded and i told her. i told her that if she stripped right there i'd act like nothing was wrong but later i'd be pissed and triggered by it. she doesnt remember that conversation. i guess another concern of mine is that in the few sessions we've had she has never asked me what meds i'm on or who my pdoc is. and hell, she wont be reading the journal…I"ve never asked a T to keep up with the journal, hell they have a lot to do. What I told her today was that if we spent 10 min looking at the journal then talking about it I'd at least feel like I've gotten some of the info across to her. she says that looking at the journal might take up too much time. 10 min is not too much time if it saves me from fretting and struggling to remember what I need to tell her. I told her today that the biggest trigger w/ Barney is that i worry that the problem is me. I worry. What am i doing wrong? what is it that I could do better or stop doing to make this situation work. She asked me how that thought ever came to me. Its what I thought when i was a kid. what am i doing wrong. what can i do better so that mama will stop hating me. there are transference issues big time. i knew it yesterday when my anger level rose to a gross height. when the house is horrible my anger and anxiety level is high. I can see that clearly now. my temper is short, my language gets bad and the cuts on my arms get deeper. i hope this advicate can help me.

i saw the new pdoc today. i like him a lot. he was stunned by how big Captain is. I forget how big he is because I live with him.

there are some concerns about what Barney is "into". She and I discussed that today. She thought they were ligit concerns. she asked me if i feel safe here. i said no. she asked me if i worry that he'll try to come back here. i said yes. she asked me if he was every inapprorpirate towards me. i said yes. how on earth did things go so bad so fast? and why on earth did my so-called friend let me move in here when she probebly moved out for the same reasons i'm going? what was she thinking when she told me about this place? she needs her ass kicked. she lived in this very apartment. she lived with him. only after i moved in did she start telling me some of the horror stories. only after i moved in did she start telling me about how nasty and dirty he lives. why on earth would she bring it up AFTER the fact? and why if we were "friends" did she even suggest this place to me. again, she needs her ass kicked.