The People Behind My Eyes

Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 12:26 AM

I’ve been missing in action from private emails and the like cause I’ve been sleeping. I’m exhausted.

There also seems to be a mental block right now. Sometimes it feels like there is a curtain behind my eyes and if I turn the wrong way that curtain is going to be caught by the wind and blow open. I think I’ll see things that are too painful to remember. It use to be that I could open that curtain at almost any turn, at any inconvenient time it seemed like it was going to fly open and expose me to horror. Now it seems that this curtain is standing like black iron, like a black sheet of iron behind my eyes that will not move for anything. It seems that I’m doing some big time blocking. The session I had with Dr.B was very difficult. We got into a lot that I haven’t talked about in a long time. It was so difficult that I switched in the session and didn’t know what the heck he was talking about. From that session until now I’ve had this empty sort of feeling but then of course there is this curtain image where I think all the stuff is. Part of me thinks I should tap into it but it doesn’t seem to budge. My thought is, I should trust my brain. If I’m blocking it right now then maybe right now isn’t the best time to try and open that curtain. Before it seemed like it would open without any difficulties at all. it was hard to keep it closed. Now it seems less like a red velvet showroom curtain and more like a black iron wall.

The dissociation is kind of bad too because I struggle to remember who people are and what my name is. Someone asked me today what my name is and I blanked. When I said my name it didn’t sound right. I hoped I told her the right name. I hope I didnt say my name is No One. UK was standing there and had I given the wrong name she would have said something. But even when I look at UK I have to struggle to remember her. It seems I’m trying to come up with words to say in emails and stuff to people I do not even know… Joan of Arc knows them but I don’t and so it’s kind of hard to know what to say. I draw a blank and then the email sounds flat and distant. Heck, it’s hard trying to remember people that only Joan knows. How do we pretend to be Joan?

No One