The People Behind My Eyes

I need to take a break from the PTSD work today. I can tell I'm pushing myself too hard. My dissociation is increasing and the anxiety is too. I need to back off of this..plus, I have therapy tomorrow. I need to go just to kind of get grounded. He said something to me last week about how the abuse is over. I've got to ask him what he said because I need to hear it again. How ever he said it was a pretty good way to put it. I've heard it before but something about the way he said it sounded different, believable, something I can tell myself without minimizing things.

I did figure out that Robert is not calling US that name, he's calling out the host. So we apologized to Robert for thinking he was trying to cause chaos in the system and torturing us by calling us by that name. He has tortuned us emotinally before but this time things have changed. He was so angry and violent towards us before but with time and work he is not so much that way. We apologize for reverting back to thinking of him in the old way. We failed to remember just how far he's come so we apologized greatly. He's a good young man. (reassuring nod).

Anyway, so we are taking a break from the PTSD stuff right now and from major type issues with the mother and what not. We are going down hill and can feel it so it's time to back off.

Today is house cleaning and dog grooming day. Cap's legs are bothering him something aweful. The chill and the rain just wont let up. We've had a few hours here and there were the temps rose above 50 but other than that it's been damp and chilly. I hear we will reach 80 by late this week. He could use a day of dry warmth…poor boy. I sometimes put him in the jacuzzi thingie and let the jets try and sooth his legs. I'll have to do that today cause he couldnt even hop up on the bed last night and he had a hard time getting up the front steps to come back in the house. There are only 3 steps but he had a hard time getting up them. The person that beat him so badly and broke 3 legs did not break his spirit but man did they leave some arthritis damage behind.

Gracie has come out of her hiding place since Shadow left yesterday afternoon. She's doing fine. She's checking out the new(er) chair we traded an item for. It belonged to UK and UK has 4 cats and 3 new kittens along with 3 dogs and a host of neighborhood kids who have dogs and cats. She's really smelling every inch of that chair. Depsite the zoo at UK's house you cant smell the animals at all. The only way you know they are there is because they want to be petted. The dogs aren't in the house, they're in the back. Anyway, for so much activity in her home on a daily basis she sure does keep that house clean. Two kids, neighborhood kids and a husband, a part-time job as well as Lupus and FM..she does it all on her own and somehow keeps up with it. SuperWoman I think she is. Goodness! Lord knows her husband does not help out at all. He pays the mortage and that is it. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, does activities with them and runs that household by herself. It's killing her too. She knows it. She is determined to not be the mother she grew up with and abandon her children. She may have married her father but she refuses to be like her mother. The untreated Lupus is going to take her, she already knows that but she thinks that while she's here she will make sure the children have what they need. In my opinion, not treating your Lupus and allowing it to destroy your insides is suicide. I told her this and she said she knows. I asked her if she really wanted to leave her kids with HER husband. But UK is ready to go. Her life has been so dang hard from day one. She's 32 years old and she's tired. So she's not having the Lupus treated, she's just taking the borrowed time to set things up for her kids. They'll have inheritance from their uncle so financially they'll be okay but they wont have her and that is not okay in my opinion. but I understand that she is tired, Lord do I understand tired. She's not just tired, she's tired with zero support systems and zero therapy. She's a survivor that is ready to stop surviving. Anyway, so we got the chair from her garage sale but we traded it so there was no money involved. They got new furniture and new carpte. I got the chair. I loved that chair anyway. I like going there because it's so homey.

so, that's what's up with me and UK. Sg is doing fine and Barney is…well, he's Barney and Mrs.R is on the outter circle.

Later,

Me