On Being An Adult Survivor - Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 5:30PM -
It’s hard to figure out why people do this or that. We knew Robert was calling the birth name and we figured out that he was actually calling our host. We thought about how dangerous that could be for the system right now if the host came back out. Today in therapy Dr.B met our host. I guess that was what Robert was doing when he kept calling to her. So now we are home and we are dead tired. It wasn’t a heavy session per say but we are still kind of teetering on the edge of shutting down.
Last week Dr.B said something about it being okay that we still struggle with the abuse issues. I remember saying to him, “Are you serious?” He kind of stumbled and then asked me what I meant by that. I told him that usually people tell me that I need to get over this and that I’m “letting the mother control my life” because I …oh what’s the word…I um, dwell on the past. They tell me to let the past stay in the past and that at this point I’m letting her control and hurt me. He says that I wouldn’t be human if I walked away from all of that without being affected by it. He said that it’s okay to still be struggling with it. He called me human, how ‘bout that. Hell, I say it about myself all the time and I say it about others …I even believe it about them…but me?? Well.. not so much. What am I then? Shit, who knows…a figment of the hosts imagination I guess.
Today Dr.B said to me that we had the right to be an adult. That is very different than saying that I have the right to be a survivor. A kid can be a survivor but a kid cannot function as an adult or benefit from freedoms the way adults do. That makes a difference to me. I wrote down what he said to me about the abuse being over. It makes me want to cry. Whatever he said last week was worded differently or maybe I heard it differently but still it means a lot to me.
When he said that I had the right to set my own standards we were talking about what I feel I have to do to deserve to eat. He said I had the right to set my own standards and I asked him why. He said because you’re an adult now. Why does that sound so strange?
Goals for today:
Eat a meal: throw the roast in the oven
Run the sweeper in the bedroom
Completed Goals:
Therapy session
Hygiene
Shit that can wait until tomorrow:
Load of whites-Phone call to Sg and UK-No fresh rolls with dinner tonight ‘cause I don’t feel like making ‘em -Cleaning up Cappy’s yard from today’s…“droppings”
Affirmations/confirmation/assertion for today:
I am an adult. I can eat dinner tonight and keep it down. I can eat dinner tonight and not worry about if I’ve met my mother’s standard of living and her definition of what it takes to deserve to eat. I live by my own standards.
(This is one of those things that will take awhile to change but I’ve got my other progress that I can be proud of.)
Just Me
Hi Aussie,
I just wanted to say that it sounds like you have a good connection with this therapist, and that I’m glad for you. He’s already made statements that you want to remember instead of blasting him for. Sounds like he’s a keeper. Good luck on your journey; we all profit from your courage.
Sandy
Austin,
I have to echo Sandy with her comments. Your therapist is a real keeper. Your journey is a tough one. It’s hard to unburden yourself with things that are learned at a young age. Follow your therapist’s instructions. You will get there.
Those comments are quite interesting since they are also tries to control someone else’s life in a certain way. The intention may not always be bad - some people surely just don’t know what to say and have no idea how complicated child abuse is. But there are certainly others who try to influence you. They don’t want to deal with the problem or be involved so they just tell you to stop and like you wrote “get over the past”, etc..
In my opinion these comments are worth being ignored and the people telling you that don’t deserve attention since they are obviously not willing to pay attention, too.
The ones with good intentions - well, they could look for information but maybe they’re too lazy.
I agree with Sandy and Julie about your therapist.
Aussie,
I kind of have the opposite problem when it comes to food. My mother always said that I was her best eater. I know she meant this as a compliment, but as it was the only thing she ever complimented me on, it carries for me all kinds of unspoken messages.
She could have complimented me on being responsible, level-headed, obedient, on an even keel, dependable, etc. (I was all of these things), but she couldn’t really see me. So the best she could do was say I was her best eater, as if there was any merit in shoveling in the food to try to fill the enormous void within. I think the way your mother was about food was so much worse than what I experienced–there’s no comparison, in fact. But in reading your post I realized that my mothers comments about my appetite were just crumbs she threw my way to try to calm the restless native–and I really did deserve so much more. (You and I both deserved so much better.)