Before I go into what I wanted to change my name to I need to address the reaction of some when I decided to change my name.
It seems that some people are of the opinion that you should keep the name you were given because it’s who we are and we can never escape who we are. I was told that being able to accept the birth name would be my final step in healing as if there was some divinely passed down decree that the birth name meant emotional and spiritual connection to the universe. I heard this left and right from “professionals.” They were telling me who I should be but they were also telling me to let go of the past. It didn’t make any sense.
I also dreaded the smirks and snide remarks of family members when they found out I’d abandoned their name game for one of my own choosing. I’d be humored in their presence and jeered behind my back. I knew I would be, and this ate at me terribly. If they picked fun at me for having a crush on a boy and other no-no’s of theirs, they sure would pick fun at me for venturing out and grabbing hold of other expressions of individuality. I don’t like to be laughed at or mocked. I don’t like to be called a fool and I knew I’d hear it, at least from my mother. Even still the name change was not to piss them off or to make them happy, it was to help me heal. Once I was okay with that I got very serious about choosing a name.
I had to choose something that was encouraging. I had to choose something that was significant to who I felt I was. It had to be something that represented who I wanted to grow to be. When I finally came up with a first and middle name I was sitting in Dallas, Texas in a hospital for survivors of trauma (Dr. Collin Ross’ program.) since I couldn’t come up with a good last name I decided that I’d just go ahead and take Austin because after all I was sitting right there in Texas. The first two names were given much thought but the last name had more to do with location than anything else. But I remember that day vividly. I remember saying my entire name out loud and smiling inside but the biggest smile was when a fellow patient called out to me by the new name. It fit. A feeling of warmth swept over me and I knew I’d found the right name.
Because I’m a skeptic I had to prove to myself that I could go by this name and not change my mind about it. I went by the name in private circles, with friends and what not. I did this for 7 years, which the number of years were of no significance. It just ended up being 7 years before I changed it legally. On February 6th of 2001 I was legally the person I presented for the last 7 years. I had hoped to have the name change on the 2nd of February to symbolize the date of my leaving home and taking my freedom but the change didn’t come through as planned. It was close enough though.
When I finally had the piece of paper telling me I was free to be the person I wanted to be I began calling creditors and the like. It was easy to change my name with people that usually want blood to verify your identity. Even when supplied with legal papers it was like pulling teeth to get the most simple of accounts to recognize my new name. Sometimes people wanted a long drawn out explanation about why a person would change their name. Sometimes they went into how they didn’t even realize an adult was able to change his/her name. I asked what they thought was happening with newly converted Islamic people did? Many answered; I thought it was a nickname. Are you serious? My name is John Doe but everyone calls me Ali. What??? No, they change it legally just as I did. When I explained it that way most were satisfied but some were not and I had to press to them that an explanation was not required only legal paper work. After about 6 months of arguing back and forth I finally had everything changed over into my new name.
That seems kind of simply doesn’t it? I went through the proper channels. I put my foot down when needed and got my name changed on all my accounts. It seems things would go smoothly from there and I could go on with my healing process. STOP! I had to come to grips with the fact that I was leaving behind a person I use to know. There was a period of grieving that I didn’t expect. I did not expect to grieve the loss of the birth name. I did not expect to be doubled over in tears at the loss of that name. I think it was because I realized with that name gone so was any chance of me ever being the daughter born to my mother. I was giving up her way of life by walking out her door in Feb of ’92 and I was totally leaving her behind by changing my name. I abandoned all my chances of ever getting in good with her by changing my birth name. It hurt and man did I grieve.
Legal Name Change Part 1 of 3 Who Am I?
Legal Name Change Part 2 of 3 What Will I Be Called?
Legal Name Change Part 3 of 3 Karma
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Interesting–I can see your point about grieving your lost name, mostly because it meant you would never ever please your mother, gain her acceptance.
On the other hand, I decided years ago that pleasing her or gaining her acceptance was never going to happen, no matter what. She still says all the same old things about me, even though they were never true, and never will be. It’s almost like when she talks about me, she’s talking about someone else…which I think was exactly your point in Part 1.