Monthly Archive for May, 2006

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GRATITUDE MONDAY:Good Friends

Published on May 30, 2006 in For the Record and Gratitude Journal. 0 Comments

Gratitude Monday Good friends and slow gentle times Monday, May 29th, 2006-11:52 PM

Gratitude: being thankful, having the desire or reason to thank somebody, to value something of quality, to understand the importance, meaning and significance of something.

Gratitude Monday: a loose rendering of gratitude, a list or just a few words to show appreciation for or recognition for big and small accomplishments.

Subject: Good Friends and Slow Gentle Times

Sg and I sat at my dining room table and talked for two hours over coffee and crackers. We talked mostly about my grandfather and her brother but the conversation was mild and thoughtful. We had quite a nice time. It is moments like this that give me the recharge I need to take on life’s challenges. I long for quiet, calm moments without extremes and without emotional intensity.

In life, one of the things I appreciate the most is simplicity. I don’t require lavish things and I don’t require “red carpet” type activities to make me feel appreciated or loved. I'd rather spend a few moments over coffee with one or two people than to go to a party with a room full of people. I'd rather sit at Denny’s and have a burger than to go to a fancy restaurant for steak.

I love the symphony, the zoo, small out of the way café’s and little jazz bars. To me, those places feed the soul and not the ego. For me, they are a place to relax, not to entertain my date or be entertained by my date/host/friend. I simply prefer the quiet life. So today when Sg and I sat drinking coffee and enjoying good conversation I knew for sure I'd have something to write about on Gratitude Monday.

Cat Scratch Fever

Published on May 28, 2006 in For the Record and Pets. 3 Comments

Cat Scratch Fever – Sunday, May 28, 2006 – 1:06 AM EST

I never even heard of it until I got it. I knew that people can get gravely ill from cat bites but I didn’t realize that one could get sick for so long from a cat scratch. This whole thing could have been avoided had a friend of mine told me her cat constantly scratches her daughter giving her this fever. This is exactly why black people don’t like cats. God forbid my black friends should find out about this. The fear, oh the fear.

At the building I use to live in the apartment manager (a black woman) hated to go into apartments that had a cat. When she went into Sg’s apartment and saw her cat she bolted out the door. Another friend of mine had a cat that the manager wanted in a cage when she came to do inspections and what not. They do inspections in govt. housing quite often so she bolted out of many apartments to the shock and humor of the cat owner. Being this afraid of cats is something learned. Like I’ve said before, it’s passed down much the same as any other wives tales, fairy tales and superstitions. I think my generation is more accepting of cats than the generation before us. Many, many older black women do not like cats and would rather fight a pit bull than to be in the same room with a kitten.

About this fever thing….I know Gracie doesn’t carry this bacteria (not right now anyway) because Lord knows she’s scratched me a hundred times more than what UK’s cat did. This cat has some serious separation anxiety. I'm lying. This cat is just crazy, mentally ill feline. His name is Scrappy and he’s about 6 months old. Cute, very cute kitten but he wants you to hold him all the time and if you don’t he’ll find a way to get in your arms. He is known for jumping from the ground to your shoulders with exceptional accuracy. I'm not sure what happened the day I didn’t love on him fast enough but he missed his mark and scratched the crap out of my back. Hello cat scratch fever. Imagine my surprise when I realized she knows he’s a carrier (through his nails) and that he is constantly infecting her 15 year old daughter to the point that she needs steroids to recover. Okay UK, where did the laps in judgment come in? Why does this cat still live with you? Take a step back. The cat is cute but your daughter takes priority over the fluff and the purr. I don’t know about this here. Well, I do. UK holds onto those animals because she feels they are the only things that truly love her. When she is feeling depressed or used, lonely or needy her house pets begin to multiply. I know this behavior because I use to do it. I needed something to love and something that needed to be mothered. I would get a puppy and bring him or her home with the intent of filling some inner need. It never happened and the loneliness and emptiness continued. Her options are so few and dang it if she isn’t the exception to the rule. I know too many people with too much on their plate and no support whatsoever. We as people seek out what we need but most of the time we fail to fill the void. We return to those same tactics that have proven to be faulty with the expectation that this time things will be different. The need to love and be loved is a strong one so it almost seems logical to walk down a path even when you know the outcome will still leave you empty.

Aussie

 

“Bomb” At Local Wal-Mart

Published on May 27, 2006 in For the Record and Soapbox. 0 Comments

“Bomb” At Local Wal-Mart – Saturday, May 27, 2006 – 5:37 PM EST

On the news they showed our local news team at a local Wal-mart saying that a bomb had been planted in that store. The day of the bomb threat the local news said that the bomb team came and blew up the device and that it was in fact an explosive device. IndyStar.com is quoted today as saying: “A store employee found suspicious materials, including wires and a box, in a baby carriage left inside the store and wheeled it outside, police said.” Of course there was widespread panic in the city and speculation went out about terrorist acts and the like.

My first response was shock and disgust. It reminded me of years ago when a child put her hand on some object in K-mart and got her hand blown off. The state warned everyone not to look in discarded bags or other objects that don’t belong to them. This happened when I was a kid but I still don’t look inside bags that are just lying out as trash. Satisfying my curiosity does not take precedence over keeping my hands and other limbs. It’s a shame we have to worry about these things.

My second thought was this doesn’t sound right. Why would anyone walk into a Wal-mart and plant a small bomb that would not destroy the store OR surveillance cameras? It'll take a matter of hours to catch the guy who walked in and left it there. There are cameras all over that store, inside and out. Why did they plant a bomb that wouldn’t destroy the entire store or kill everyone in it? And why did he/she leave evidence as to their identity? It just didn’t make any sense to me. It sounded like the work of a really moronic criminal or a hoax. Sg said that maybe he covered the camera before planting it but I told her he/she would have to take out the whole system because of the sheer number of cameras. She said, well maybe it was one of those “Iranians.” At that moment she stepped closer to stupidity than I ever thought she could. I told her the sloppiness of the bomb as well as the fact that it was not detonated kinda counts out Al-Quida don’t you think? I said, it sounds more like a disgruntled employee. She said, yes, there are many at Wal-mart.

I couldn’t believe that she thought a militant Muslim from Iraq or Iran or someone from Al-Quida was that sloppy at their attempt to blow up this Wal-mart. I said it was just too unorganized, too haphazardly done to be attributed to extremist groups. The whole thing sounded like a last minute revenge tactic that failed because they didn’t think it through or didn’t have enough knowledge in explosives for the bomb to actually detonate. They sat it in the back of the store, not someplace where it could do a lot of damage. They sat it in a baby carriage where it would attract attention. This device didnt have enough power to do much of anything. They didn’t know how much C-4 to use to blow up a Wal-mart. It was just so amateur that it pretty much excluded people from extremist groups. It pretty much excluded extremist Muslims that train their people to fly planes into builds or carry a bomb into a public area to kill others and themselves. I have to think that this person isn't connected with anyone. He or she certainly isnt in touch with reality.

This morning I looked on the net and come to find out the news themselves got the story wrong. They reported that the device was an IED, improvised explosive device when in fact it was a fake. There were no signs of explosives in that package. It was set up to look like a bomb but in fact it was not a bomb. They said there is a suspect, a former employee who called the bomb in to the police and said, “everyone was going to pay because he lost his job.” This to me sounds more reasonable than thinking that a trained terrorist or even a badly trained terrorist foiled an attack with an inadequate bomb at a large Wal-mart store. It still disgusts me that he put an entire city on alert because he couldn’t keep a job at Wal-mart.

Austin

Narrow Past – Too Broad Of A Future

Published on May 27, 2006 in Soapbox. 0 Comments

Narrow Past with Too Broad Of A Future – Saturday, May 27, 2006 – 4:53 AM EST

I just read a letter floating around the net addressed to kids who survived 30s-40s-50s-60s. First of all let me say that the link to this letter is not by someone that buys into all of this philosophy. The letter is just posted on her site.

What bothers me about the letter is that it’s narrow minded. It talks only of play but nothing of school or family life in those years. It says they were simple times but it leaves out poverty, the Great Depression, wars and social injustices that mark those times. It only says play was simple and people accepted responsibility. It left out so much. Being irritated by that I had to leave a comment on the blog. I should have told the blogger that the comment was addressed to the writer of the letter and not to her. I wish I'd done that. This entry is also written to the writer of the letter and those who buy into his/her narrow view. This was my comment on that site:

they say people of my generation aren't made of the same things as those of past generations. this is true. the air is different, the water is different, wars have come and gone and the attitudes of many have soured. so they are right, we are not made of the simple times. we're made of security & instant pleasures. i can't say that is right but what i can say is right…we are not made of the same things.

recently a friend of mine and i went to Target and played dress up in THEIR clothes while taking pictures of ourselves. this was good clean fun. there are people who know how to do this that were not born in simple times.

Again, I wish I'd told her the comment was to the writer of the letter and not her. Anyway though, those generations missed out on medical advancement. Those generations lost parents, brothers and sisters to illnesses that they now have a cure for. Those generations lost out on the ability to heal their mind through therapeutic means and other means with greater understanding. In addition to physical and mental health delays they were stifled when speaking of and caring for social issues like disabilities, animal rights and sexual offenses towards children and women.

The major thing this generation has in common with the past generations is that we all live in fear. We lived in fear then and we live in it now. We either feared our fathers, brothers, uncles or the neighbor next door or we feared not getting enough to eat, not having good shoes or not having medical help when needed. People in the 30’s thru the 60’s experienced the same crimes we have today only now it gets across the world in seconds instead of days, months and years. The present generation shares the same growing pains as past generations only now if there is a crime against us we can tell and maybe get some help. Unemployed past generations suffered hunger the same as unemployed and underemployed do today. So when you think about the simple fun you had does it compare to the heartache of silence and injustices that were practiced in those times? I didn’t think so. I'm happy you were able to and I quote:"play kickball and come home when the street lights came on." I'm happy you were able to "ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags" and live. I am okay with the fact that you didn’t have or need, “Play stations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms.”

I agree that there is way too much out there for our children to get into. What they have access to is also accessible to people that prey on children. What the future holds as far as technology isn’t even imaginable. There will be ways to hurt each other faster and deeper than today. There will be ways to hear of this hurt faster and in vivid colour. Is this a good thing, to have things faster and brighter? I have no idea but when that time comes I hope I never say that I'd like to revert back to the old ways. People say you can’t have it all. You can’t have the simple times as well as advancement. If you want simple you have to give up all the progress the world has made. If you want progress you have to give up on the idea that things will ever be simple again. I myself prefer a balance and this is where your conscience comes in. You have to know right from wrong and act on it to be able to enjoy the simple and benefit from advanced ideas and practices.

I am only 35 years old. I was born in 1971 past the time of most of what that person spoke of yet I appreciate simplicity from the past but I also enjoy luxuries from today. I decide what is best for my lifestyle based on more than what I want immediately. I keep in mind the interests of others. While I live with free will I understand that my actions impact others either positively or negatively. I’ve learned important lessons from generations past. You’ve shown us how not to be. We have rights now. Women have them, children have a measure of them, and animals have them. People of colour can vote, women can vote, all children in this country can go to school, rich or poor. So yes, I am happy the good things are still remembered but I am sad for you because after all this time your views are still narrow. You’ve learned nothing. You’ve learned absolutely nothing. When will you gain the wisdom to know the difference between stagnant ideas and beneficial ones that move forward?

If what I’ve seen in my short life time has taught me anything, it’s that history is never far from us and tomorrow is never guaranteed. That basic truth belongs to all generations whether they played kickball until the street lights came on or Nintendo into the night.

 

Austin’s August

I Misspell Therfore I Am :0)

Published on May 27, 2006 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, For the Record and Poetry. 0 Comments

I Misspell Therfore I Am – Saturday, May 27, 2006 – 2:34 AM

Reading over my last entry I noticed that I misspelled the word college. I have a track record of misspelling things. I did go back and correct it though.

Lessons in learning:

Half the stuff I did in my early twenties I did to be the total opposite of what the mother conditioned me to be. I didn’t get that rebellious streak until my early twenties when I left her house. Until that personal Independence Day the pressure to do well in school was always strong. She would brag to friends that I was tired of getting A’s because after an A+ there was no higher grade to be given. She thought it was something to brag about when I stressed over getting a 98% instead of a perfect score plus extra credit points. Sometimes the family would stand the children up to play Jeopardy with against each other while at the grandmother’s house. They’d give us these quizzes as competition and if we lost the mother told us how embarrassed she was that her stupid daughters lost to their younger cousins. The pressure was intense and failing meant getting slammed with a bunch of insults backed with rejection and alienation.

The competition didn’t stop once we left the grandmother’s house. We got paid for grades. We got $10 per A, $5 per B, nothing for C’s, paid $5 per D and paid $10 per F. I raked the money in every report card. My sister might as well as filed for bankruptcy by the time she hit the 9th grade because the mother did in deed keep track of what we owed her. Later on we found out she’s dyslexic but at the time we didn’t know it. Poor child, the names she was called! When the mother got paid every two weeks she would give the two of us yet another competition. The first one to tell her what the meaning of a word was got $20 to $25. I usually won. It seemed that in languages I excelled, in art, in science and history I excelled but I couldn’t spell worth a darn. Of course this was not something that was acceptable but like my sister’s dyslexia it wasn’t something that was going to change quickly.

Hearing and Spelling:

For some reason I can’t hear the vowels in most words which would be okay if I was writing in ancient Hebrew. I can spell in Spanish and German but I can not spell in English. For some reason I can not hear the vowels. I get them backwards or leave something out because I simply can not hear it. Something changes when the vowels hit my ears. I hear the word. I understand the word but when it comes to spelling it the trouble begins. I have no idea why.

Rebellious streak returns:

I stopped trying to learn to spell because I knew it bothered my mother. Sometimes the people in the system would misspell their names purposely to identify themselves as separate from the outside family. Maureen use to spell her name Moreene for the sole purpose of making a distinction between free will and being under the mother’s thumb.

All these years and I still can’t spell. I try, oh how I try but it just doesn’t happen. I play the game book worm to try and get better at my spelling. I try and remember the corrections spell check does so that next time I can get the word right. All this effort but still I can not spell worth a lick. This is why the word college ended up coming out as collage because I CAN’T SPELL. I couldn’t hear which vowel it was and I overlooked the spell check thing-a-ma-bob. So while I’m not trying to be the exact opposite of everything my mother told me to be I still do struggle with spelling. I guess some things never change.

Joan of Arc

Wash Water: A Dream

Published on May 26, 2006 in Dreams and For the Record. 0 Comments

Wash Water: A Dream – Friday, May 26, 2006 – 12:24 noon EST

I was still in college and stood at the counter of a popular bakery listening to an ex-psychiatrist tell me how nasty my cinnamon buns are. After that humiliation I went to some gay bar where I fell asleep standing up in the men’s restroom for 4 hours. I was leaning on the wall of the stall with the door open as I stood wearing only a shirt, sleeping. When I woke up I started putting the toiletries that I brought w/ me back into a 80’s style denim purse. The purse wasn’t that big but it fit an alarm clock, a large bottle of lotion and a ton of other stuff that normally wouldn’t fit in one of those purses. None of the men in the restroom found it strange that I was sleeping against the wall or that I was the only female in there. I was the only female until I walked out and passed another black woman. Before the appearance of the other black woman I was the only black person in that dream. (that same bar use to be a recurrent dream theme but it hasn’t been for many years now and to my knowledge I haven’t dreamed of sleeping while standing up or the thing with the purse until now. but that same gay bar in that same location use to be something I dreamed about all the time.)

When I finally returned to the dorm I realized that I had nothing clean to wear to class the next day. Like usual I got side tracked and kept forgetting to do the laundry. I ran around visiting and playing w/ Captain (who I did not have while in college.) Every time I went into the hallway of my dorm more and more students piled square baskets of laundry in the hallway. Each time I went in the hallway the amount of laundry (all colour loads) increased by about 5 or 6 baskets. It got to the point that I could hardly pass to get to the elevator to get downstairs to continue my course of laundry avoidance.

In that dream I never got my laundry done the same as I’ve not gotten my laundry done for the last few days. It’s piling up beyond belief. There seems to be more and more every time I turn around. It takes a heck of a lot for us to get dressed because we have to decide who is dressing us that day. Therapy appointments are the worst because mostly we want to wear our safe outfit but others want to venture into their own style. We have these apparel conflicts quite often but for certain on therapy days. Trying on this and that then tossing it to the floor to try on a 4th or 5th outfit is not uncommon around here. Sometimes we settle on a mix of Joan and Robert which makes us look rather butch but most often we wear what Joan wants to wear. That always includes a baseball cap. Even if we wear Joan’s clothes we still have a pile of clothes we tried on and tossed on the floor. There is still a pile of discarded outfits that we’ve not picked up from when we tried them on for therapy then settled on the safe outfit.

Even though we dress as Joan or Robert we always have our token and the majority of the time we bring Captain when we leave the house. So even if a person doesn’t win the clothing war they at least have some sort of safety back up.

Needless to say I have a bunch of laundry to do, towels & whites but mostly there are endless colour loads.

Austin's August

 

Still Tired- Meds, more

Published on May 26, 2006 in For the Record, Mental Health and Therapy. 1 Comment

I'm still tired….i'm not as tired as i was but i'm still tired.

i told Dr.B that i would continue to take the medication and I will. I'm considering re-starting the Seroquel even though it makes me pee every 5 minutes and i have a mouth full of sweet teeth not tooth. the sweet teeth with that med is just crazy. it only lasts for 2 weeks but goodness do i crave sweets during that time! Then i venture into the dairy products. not good since i'm lactose intolerant. cravings make you do stuff you would normally take lactaid before doing.

Speaking of teeth, I watched the re-run of CSI w/ the lady from Mommy Dearist. man did she have some seriously large false teeth. my goodness. all i could think during the whole show was how huge her teeth looked. and then w/ my brain i ran with it. what would happen if she started chewing and couldnt stop. my God we'd have a massacre on our hands. picking up chewed bodies off the set would really be a disturbing task. heck for me to see that would set my recovery back a good year or … 5. how much fixadent does she require to keep all those teeth in? what happens if they fall out? is her denture cup larger than normal to accomidate her huge false set? how big is her damn toothbrush? i fear for those who eat at the same table or in the same room with her. God forbid she should ever brake one of those things. if that hit the floor there could be some major property damage. She has alot of money so she could pay for it but she could never pay to repare her pride or her rep….

moving on…..
I told Dr.B I would eat and I have (I dont have large teeth). About the meds, my concern with not taking the Seroquel is that I remember too well how good I fel when i was on it… my brain didnt go on and on for hours at a time when I was taking it. I had a brake and man was that nice. I stopped because of the side effects. I didnt want to gain a bunch of weight while waiting 2 weeks for the sweet teeth to die down. right now i feel rather troubled in my head and I think the Seroquel may be of help with that.

"they" say you can't shock a therapist but when I told him that I'm not and have never been med compliant he was rather shocked and concerned. he mentioned that eating, sleeping, exercising and things like that make a huge difference in mental health as well as physical health. I tend to agree with that… plus, i was reading something the other day that said that people that sleep during the night like humans are supposed to lose weight faster than those who sleep during the day.. lord knows i'm a night owl. so can i blame my chubby self on my irregular sleep patterns? I plan to.

well, it is 2:40AM and I should sleep before the sun comes up so i dont gain any weight. its back to the love seat for me cause in a few hours i'm going to have to get up and travel to that other rest spot.

Joan of Arc