The People Behind My Eyes

Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 3:49PM
Human Fallibility Crosses Economic Boundaries
(Prompted by a discussion with my T but based mostly on comments by friends and acquaintances.)

I'm exhausted big time. I’ve got to lie back down. My eating has been sporadic; I’ve had to force myself to eat dinner. Tonight is stuffed cabbage. I think I had stuffed peppers the other day….maybe 2 weeks ago or something.

I let the female therapist know that Thursday is the last appointment with her and why. Dr.B (the male therapist) has worked with trauma clients for a very long time. When I was in the hospital the nurse asked me who my follow up person is. I told her Dr.B and she began telling me how wonderful he was for her grandchildren and that she would definitely recommend him. I think I’ll get to see him pretty regularly between the East and South office. The appointment on the 23rd is at his South office. He and I laughed about a university he attended. My grandmother was adopted by the founders of that university. Every time there was a scandal and it hit the news she would rant and rave and talk about how the “coloured people” were ruining the university. She herself is “coloured” but then again my whole family is ashamed of being African-American. I mentioned to Dr.B that since I didn’t go to that Univ. I had to pay for my own college. I also mentioned that everyone of age in my family has been to collage and graduated. He said something to the effect of, “wow, they’re very educated.” He paused with a look of wonder on his face. I said, “But you can’t learn morals.” “No you cannot” was his reply.

The biggest thing people forget about money is this: it can’t buy morality it only increases opportunities for those who prefer immorality. Most people seem to think that if a family is educated and has good money that they are “good people.” We laugh and joke about trailer trash and about how poor white people from Kentucky mate with their brother or sister. We laugh at hillbillies and hicks and assume they are less because of finances or the status of their home. We assign ignorance to them by making red-neck jokes and things like that. When we talk about the rich or the upper-middle class our tone of voice changes. We give a snooty British accent to mock them, our posture becomes very perfect, our nose in the air. Everybody makes fun of both classes but we also assign certain moral characteristics with each of them as if morals have something to do with their income level. It doesn’t because money can’t make you a good person. Money can turn a bad person evil or a good person can turn down the wrong road and ignore his God given conscience. You either have them or you do not, you can’t buy them or take some college course to learn them.

When I say “immoral acts” I mean things like incest, child molestation, rape, male or female domestic violence and cold blooded murder. There are everyday indiscretions that we each make. We make stupid choices, impulse driven decisions that cause short or longer term difficulties. Sexual violence is not a minor thing, it’s not an indiscretion, it’s a crime that immoral people obese over regularly. I’ve read that rapists and child molesters think about their victims all the time, day and night, when they’re eating, sleeping and everywhere in between. You can’t tell me that if a person was raised with money that they are less likely to become a child molester or one who practices sexual assault. It would be outrageous to say that people with money are less likely to do drugs, prostitute themselves and other acts that society looks down upon. If this were the case Hollywood, California would be filled with moral, selfless people who concentrate on the conditions of the earth (environmental, social, political) instead thinking about the next party they’re going to. Christian Slater when to prison for 10 over drugs, an actor from The Sopranos is going to the death chamber for shooting a cop last year, Sean Penn is known for his temper and his wife-beating actions as well as Bobby Brown and the guitarist from Motley Crew. Heck, Whitney grew up with money. She grew up with Patty Labelle and is related to Dionne Warwick but she still married a convict and is now strung out on crack cocaine. My point is money does not mean that you suddenly become a reasonable, clear thinking model citizen. Both the rich and the poor are affected when they make a series of bad choices with consequences that snowball. What these two groups have is common is humanity and humanity has proven its fallibility.

I know personally that poverty drives people to commit acts that they otherwise frown upon. When I was about to lose my home, had no food and nowhere to go I did my best to get pregnant. I knew that if I had a child I'd be set because the government seems to reward those who make bad choices instead of assisting those with a real need. Poverty moves people to drastic measures but poverty does not move people to sexual violence or to practice child abuse.

I’ve had this conversation with Mrs.R a hundred times. She likes to hear stories about trips we took as a kid then she says, “I'd love to meet your mother.” She says this despite knowing that my mother is a pedophile. All she sees is education and the mother’s economic background. I told her that a punch in the face hurts in Spain as much as it does in the United States and that beautiful countryside does not lessen the affects of abuse. It stays with you until you work through it, even then it’ll be triggered back to mind. My hope is that with time the memories won’t be so overwhelming, that their sting will become less and less and stop destroying my present and threatening my future. My lack of funds sometimes stalls healing because I'm limited to therapists that take government insurance. My lack of funds limit where I can live, they limit how often I can purchase medication, food and clothing. But trust me when I say this, my lack of funds will never adversely affect my conscience so that I become lawless and start to sexually offend or practice violence. I was born with a conscience; I don’t intend to lose it.

Austin’s August