Daily Archive for June 20th, 2006

Confrontation With Barney

Published on June 20, 2006 in For the Record, Relationships, Soapbox and Therapy. 1 Comment

Conversations With Barney-Tuesday, June 20, 2006-8:09PM

We’ll we’ve had that conversation. I couldn’t just keep walking around the house without saying something about the check. I brought up the conversation by saying that UK told me she ran into him at the store the other day. From there we talked about the check. He said that just because I was unhappy doesn’t mean that I should simply not pay the full amount. I told him that not paying him the fifty dollars was prior to him going out there and spending full days in the yard. It was prior to him cleaning the kitchen and vacuuming the dining room. He said I would have done that anyway. Oh right! I pointed to the stove and showed him what I meant by how filthy the place is. I told him that when I first moved in I would take care of the kitchen if he would sweep and mop the floor. He said that does mop from time to time and that he doesn’t care if the kitchen is clean or not. I told him that I could explain in detail what is wrong with the kitchen and the hallways but that it would fall on Deaf ears. It doesn’t make sense to you and I’d be wasting my breath, I said. At that point he lost eye contact and never regained it. I made sure my voice was soft and even toned so that I didn’t clam him up further. I needed to say what I needed to say so I had to adapt to his issues with confrontations. One thing I pulled from the conversation is that he is not kicking me out. I didn’t think he would even though some of my anxiety has been about that. So by the end of the conversation he realized that I wasn’t going to give him the fifty bucks and I realized he simply doesn’t care about his house or anyone but himself.

I absolutely refuse to walk around a pink elephant. I don’t have to yell and scream or even raise my voice to get my point across but I do need to get it across. If the person is an idiot there is nothing I can do about it. But it is unthinkable on my part to walk around the house adding to the under current. Hell, if I learned anything from being abused its that under current, unspoken feeling that may or may not be valid, can cause friction that bursts into abuse. While Barney better never lay his hands on me it is still my belief that undercurrent is unhealthy and will form in other ways such as passive aggression. Overall I thought our conversation went smoothly. There was no blood shed, no cursing, nothing to take away and feel bitter about.

That is all,


I Should Mention

Published on June 20, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder and Mental Health. 0 Comments

I should mention that we aren't suicidal. We feel pretty down but we aren't suicidal. We meant what we said yesterday, we are happy we lived because we have moments that are wonderful and peaceful.

Last night when Sg was here I went ahead and threw some chicken in a ginger and sesame seed w/ mandarine orange marinade. I popped it in the fridge so that all I have to do is take it from there and put it in the oven. We'll do some sort of box friend rice or even plane rice I think and then add a veggie. I think we only have brocoli right now and green beans. the broc would be better with this. so, at least we will be having a good meal today. yesterday i had a sandwich from mcdonalds and a french fry. other than that i've not eaten a meal in two days. i did have the 2 oz of beer LOL with the cookies so if you count that then I've had 2 meals. We're taking in our fluids and everything though. My computer is acting stupid. I think everything in the house is acting stupid except Barney. What is wrong with the world? When I asked him to take me to get that beer at midnight he was up. He stays up late too, not as late as me but he's up late. He's been cleaning and working in the yard. He's not been eating my food and the man has been cleaning. That just throws me. 

Austin

All My Senses But No Sense At All

Published on June 20, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dreams, For the Record, Mental Health and Therapy. 2 Comments

All Senses But No Sense At All-Tuesday, June 20, 2006-8:08AM

I seem to want to smoke square after square. I want to put something in my mouth to fill a hole I guess. Here it is 7:39AM and I'm still up. After I realized that smoking wasn’t helping I started thinking about food. I didn’t cook anything but I could use some pizza or cookies or something soft but not cold. Then I thought to myself, what can I do on the net, what can I look at on the net to kind of fill this hole? I've rubbed my face with the back of my hand in a self-soothing fashion. I've listened to the rain in hopes of drowning out the emptiness. It's strange that yesterday I felt so good but today I feel empty, hollow.

Obviously I'm putting off sleep again. After last night’s dreams why on earth would I want to go to sleep?

I started to say that I don’t know where the day has gone but I kinda remember. I spent some time with UK and her family. Her kids brought home a snapper turtle as big as a hub cap. The ugly thing….actually he wasn't ugly. He was quite beautiful once they pulled all the leeches off him. Anyway though- they poked him with a stick and then decided to eat him. I then decided that all three of those boys were future serial killers. Then I talked to Beer Belly Billy but that was short cause he was so shit-faced that he couldn’t really stand up. so i traveled home and did whatever I did. I have no clue. Then it came to be about 10:30PM and Sg showed up and stayed until about midnight. I can't account for what I've done since she's been gone other than trying to fill this hole. The TV has been off for days. We did watch our movie again, Hide And Seek with Dakota Fanning. Love that movie! But that was yesterday.

Therapy is Friday and I haven't even touched my writing assignment. Goodness! This just isn’t me. I would have done that assignment by now. What the heck is wrong with me? I have a few hours out of this funk and then it's right back again. I can't say I didn’t enjoy the few hours. I did. I felt it completely and didn’t think about how things should always be that way. Maybe it was because I wrote it earlier in the day when sleep was a distant worry. I don’t know, but I've tried to fill my senses with this and that to somehow affect my mood. I forgot to use the senses I learned in therapy. Nothing outside myself is going to fix what I feel right now. Not food, not visual images, nothing is going to give me a permanent fix other than working through this crap. To tell you the truth, getting a good nights sleep will help my mood but there is no such thing as a good nights sleep with me. I may get some rest but I hardly ever get recharged. I spend the night waking in a gasp and hearing the people inside say, "if you need to scream just scream. why are you holding it in?" they keep saying, "just scream." I don’t scream. I just try to go back to sleep. But the urge to scream out is strong. I think I fear scaring the fur babies. I think I fear making a sound because if you cant hear me then maybe…let me say what I mean…if Mama cant hear me then she doesnt know where I am. She can't hurt me. I can fade into the background and be skipped over this time around. It doesnt make any sense at all. It just doesnt.

I have not touched the book "I Can't Get Over It" I just don’t think right now is a good time to do that. Words come out of my mouth that have nothing at all to do with the subject. I'll try to say cup but banana will come out or I'll try to say radio and dog will come out. I have to stop and think before I do something and remind myself of where I am and what I'm doing. I do not understand what's happening to me…to us. Sg asked why I never let her read my journal but that unknown numbers of strangers read my thoughts. I told her that I dont have to look the people on the net in the eye knowing they know what's in my head. It is much different to write an entry and get a comment in writing than it is to look someone in the eye knowing they know. Yall can't see me twist my hair or rub my face. You can't see my eyes glaze over then focus again to the present. You can't see a blank expression on my face during a time when I should have responded with some sort of emotion. It is so much easier writing and letting strangers read because I dont have to look you in the eye knowing that you know what's been done to me or what I've done to myself, or what I think and dream about. That's what I told her. She seemed to be okay with that answer for now. The issue of trust will come up. Why dont I see her as someone that can be looked in the eye after being told their inner most secrets? She'll eventually want to know that and I'll have to tell her again, it's nothing personal.

Maureen with Joan close by