All My Senses But No Sense At All

All Senses But No Sense At All-Tuesday, June 20, 2006-8:08AM

I seem to want to smoke square after square. I want to put something in my mouth to fill a hole I guess. Here it is 7:39AM and I'm still up. After I realized that smoking wasn’t helping I started thinking about food. I didn’t cook anything but I could use some pizza or cookies or something soft but not cold. Then I thought to myself, what can I do on the net, what can I look at on the net to kind of fill this hole? I've rubbed my face with the back of my hand in a self-soothing fashion. I've listened to the rain in hopes of drowning out the emptiness. It's strange that yesterday I felt so good but today I feel empty, hollow.

Obviously I'm putting off sleep again. After last night’s dreams why on earth would I want to go to sleep?

I started to say that I don’t know where the day has gone but I kinda remember. I spent some time with UK and her family. Her kids brought home a snapper turtle as big as a hub cap. The ugly thing….actually he wasn't ugly. He was quite beautiful once they pulled all the leeches off him. Anyway though- they poked him with a stick and then decided to eat him. I then decided that all three of those boys were future serial killers. Then I talked to Beer Belly Billy but that was short cause he was so shit-faced that he couldn’t really stand up. so i traveled home and did whatever I did. I have no clue. Then it came to be about 10:30PM and Sg showed up and stayed until about midnight. I can't account for what I've done since she's been gone other than trying to fill this hole. The TV has been off for days. We did watch our movie again, Hide And Seek with Dakota Fanning. Love that movie! But that was yesterday.

Therapy is Friday and I haven't even touched my writing assignment. Goodness! This just isn’t me. I would have done that assignment by now. What the heck is wrong with me? I have a few hours out of this funk and then it's right back again. I can't say I didn’t enjoy the few hours. I did. I felt it completely and didn’t think about how things should always be that way. Maybe it was because I wrote it earlier in the day when sleep was a distant worry. I don’t know, but I've tried to fill my senses with this and that to somehow affect my mood. I forgot to use the senses I learned in therapy. Nothing outside myself is going to fix what I feel right now. Not food, not visual images, nothing is going to give me a permanent fix other than working through this crap. To tell you the truth, getting a good nights sleep will help my mood but there is no such thing as a good nights sleep with me. I may get some rest but I hardly ever get recharged. I spend the night waking in a gasp and hearing the people inside say, "if you need to scream just scream. why are you holding it in?" they keep saying, "just scream." I don’t scream. I just try to go back to sleep. But the urge to scream out is strong. I think I fear scaring the fur babies. I think I fear making a sound because if you cant hear me then maybe…let me say what I mean…if Mama cant hear me then she doesnt know where I am. She can't hurt me. I can fade into the background and be skipped over this time around. It doesnt make any sense at all. It just doesnt.

I have not touched the book "I Can't Get Over It" I just don’t think right now is a good time to do that. Words come out of my mouth that have nothing at all to do with the subject. I'll try to say cup but banana will come out or I'll try to say radio and dog will come out. I have to stop and think before I do something and remind myself of where I am and what I'm doing. I do not understand what's happening to me…to us. Sg asked why I never let her read my journal but that unknown numbers of strangers read my thoughts. I told her that I dont have to look the people on the net in the eye knowing they know what's in my head. It is much different to write an entry and get a comment in writing than it is to look someone in the eye knowing they know. Yall can't see me twist my hair or rub my face. You can't see my eyes glaze over then focus again to the present. You can't see a blank expression on my face during a time when I should have responded with some sort of emotion. It is so much easier writing and letting strangers read because I dont have to look you in the eye knowing that you know what's been done to me or what I've done to myself, or what I think and dream about. That's what I told her. She seemed to be okay with that answer for now. The issue of trust will come up. Why dont I see her as someone that can be looked in the eye after being told their inner most secrets? She'll eventually want to know that and I'll have to tell her again, it's nothing personal.

Maureen with Joan close by