Saturday, June 24, 2006-5:10 pm EST – Still Struggling
I hurt right now. Something that has never really happened before happened last night/this morning. I was making bread and a teenager inside wasn’t happy with the tap water that I was using. She urged me to dump it and refill it but I wouldn’t. She told me she hated me. Just before I added the water to the egg an older one, I think Adam, said, “Just hang on, she has time to fix this.” I dumped it in with the egg and stirred. There was a sinking feeling, a sadness like we’d lost each other or that there was some sort of major difficulty inside that hasn’t come up before. No one has ever said, “I hate you” to any of us before. It was totally out of the blue.
The major division lately is the issue of moving. Some of us want to move and others of us definitely do not want to move. Because we can’t walk around acting like we don’t have a beef with someone we finally brought up the short rent check to Barney. During that conversation I said to him, “I don’t want to move. Tell me what we can do to make this situation work.” He said nothing. I told him what I needed him to do was clean up after himself and to either mow the yard or supply a working lawn mower. I told him I want air and I want heat. Well, I’ve had air and he’s been cleaning like a fool. I walked into the kitchen and was like, OMG! He cleaned the counters, his table, the fridge, and swept the dining room floor. Sheshh, I was floored! We want to get a fridge or something and put it back in our area and go out there as little as possible. They want to sleep during the day when he’s home and do our life stuff in the late evening and morning when he’s sleeping. That isn’t going to work because we have to be up for the sunlight. It also doesn’t work for Captain because we can’t go out in the yard in the pitch black and play ball with him or take him on a walk. I should do that today since I’m feeling so down. It’ll do me some good.
Some are worried that we will get back together with Sg. Some want to get back together with Sg. It’s too complicated. Yesterday when she hugged me for an extended period of time she said, “We have such a special friendship.” I said, “Yes we do.” I added, “And lets not ruin it by trying to date again.” She said, “Okay” but she still held on longer. I will admit that I, Joan, still have feelings for her and I think she knows that. I think she’s confused because she knows but she also knows that if we actually get back together it’ll have to go through Morton and that may or may not happen. It’s up to him because that is a huge decision. The first time didn’t work because of her emotional state and then of course taking my $5 without asking me first. I think we want, especially Morton wants to see who she is without Monkey Boy in the picture. Will she be more assertive? Will she think for herself? Will she be a doormat for everyone? Will she speak her mind and tell me when I get on her nerves? Will she allow herself some sort of mental and emotional freedom? And you know what? It’s going to take some time to be able to tell. I’ve only known her in the presence of Monkey Boy.This is one of those things where I’m going, “Don’t do it Aussie. Don’t do it.”
I’ve been rather self-destructive lately, refusing to eat or sleep. And the depersonalization is just crazy too. Every time I put my hand to my face it freaks me out because I don’t recognize it as my own. I know when my stress level is off the scales when I start seeing stuff out of the corner of my eye. It’s like seeing something run across the floor that isn’t there. And my skin is crawling so I know that this is a symptom of being way too stressed.
After I read a poem from Champagne Tea I’m logging off the PC, shutting it down actually to encourage myself to get some sunlight while we still have it and to get some things done in the house.
I may not send any private emails today cause I don’t know if I would even be able to say anything. Sometimes I struggle to say something because I forget who the people are. The other day I realized that I’d forgotten to go to Cat’s blog. I was like, what the heck was that about? I’ve forgotten to go to my favorite virtual garden. I don’t really like know those people but in private email with those I actually should know it’s like I have to struggle to remember who they are. I don’t like faking it so I’d rather say nothing until someone comes back that knows who they are as individuals and not email addresses.
Okay, PC off, coffee pot on, medication down and the pet walk is on.
Maureen with Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride
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