We were in that house we use to live in, the one from the fourth grade where she made life miserable for us. She always made it miserable but it seemed there were 2 houses that were the worst. The second house in the 4th grade where all that stuff happened in the entry about Mother’s Talk To Your daughters, this is that house in last night’s dream. In the dream we were visiting the grandmother. She needed assistance to walk so I built her a wheelchair. I had to go in that infamous downstairs billiard room to move a bunch of stuff around so she could go down there and sleep. She and my grandfather were getting a divorce and she was moving out of the top floor bedroom. The dream switched to me, as an adult, shopping in a store with the mother and my sister. I dream about that store often. It has pretty much everything a person would want to buy save a lung or a kidney. In the dream I’m usually there to buy a huge bag of dog food which they are always out of. The dream then switched to me walking down the hall of a junior high school that I use to go to. I was walking with my sister looking for a restroom. We found one and I went in to do my business. As we walked out my sister shoved me behind the door and let two people come in before we could leave. I was squeezed behind the door and kind of squealing about it. When I was set loose I realized that it was two men that came into the restroom. They were looking at us oddly. That’s when I realized that my sister tricked me and took me to the men’s restroom. I didn’t think it was funny. She tried to laugh it off and said she was just messing around but I felt tricked and that didn’t feel to good. She tried to console me by rubbing her hand on my face but I pushed her away. She tried rubbing her hand on my hand and I pushed her away and told her not to try and be sensitive NOW because it was too late.
The dream switched to me as an adult laying next to my naked mother in her bed at the 4th grade house. We were talking about my grandparents divorcing. I jokingly said that does Granddaddy realize that after all these years of marriage he’ll be lucky to be awarded his toothbrush? She laughed. He wont even have enough money to buy a new one, I added. That’s when my sister walked in the room, fully dressed like I was. My mother then said that her heart was bothering her. She laid in the middle of the bed and said she was having a heart attack. I tried to do chest compressions but my hands were not strong enough to do it. (In waking hours I have strong hands, it’s the grip that I have problems with but pushing down or up is not a problem.) I called 911 and told them she was having a heart attack. The operator didn’t believe me. She said that sometimes a mother will have a “heart attack” when her kids go off to college or when some mother-child separating event pops up. I asked, are you saying she’s faking this? She said, I wouldn’t have chosen that word but since you did, yes, she’s faking. Just then I looked over and the mother is sitting at a dinner table (which suddenly appeared in the dream) eating with my sister beside her. She said to me, I didn’t think she would believe me. I asked her if she still wanted an ambulance and she said no, she was feeling better. I rolled over and woke up.
When I opened my eyes I had this sick dreadful feeling, the feeling I get when I’ve had a dream that has touched some deep issues.
It is something of note that the sister would rub her hand on my face or arm to try and sooth me. That is what our main caretaker Adam does when we are upset. He rubs the back of his hand very softly on our cheek to sooth us. It’s quite helpful.
I didn’t think I could handle any company so I called and canceled with Sg. She was coming to dinner but today isn’t a good day for company. I have to try and get grounded and I worry that with her here I’ll be distracted but not grounded.
The things in this dream that actually happened in real life are:
- The divorce of my grandparents on their 60th anniversary.
- The faked heart attack and seeking help for the fake heart attack
Recurrent dream themes:
- The house from the 4th grade.
- The We Have Everything store.
- Restrooms (My strongest OCD stuff has to do with the restroom and toilets.)
What I plan on doing to get grounded:
- First and foremost I have to take some clonapin.
- Get a cup of coffee.
- Play Yo-Yo Ma and pet the dog.
- Say my name, birth date, current age and that I’m an adult and the I’m save. I’ll say this OUT LOUD as often as I feel I’m slipping into a dissociative stupor.
- I have to do ADL’s: shower, brush teeth, eat dinner, take meds, etc.
- journal only when absolutely necessary. If my head gets too full and I’ve got to purge it that’s when I’ll journal but other than that no journaling and pretty much staying off the PC.
- I will not be reading any of the book today.
I feel:
- numb with an occasional bit of
- worry
- and a slight tingle of fear.
Destiny of Morton’s Pride
Miserable Dreams – Entry To Bring In To Therapy-Wednesday, June 28, 2006-6:08 pm
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