Therapy Day
Sg will be here shortly. I needed the company. On the phone she asked me why it was that I was still having so much trouble with nightmares and flashbacks. I told her, I’ve only been completely separated from my mother for 4 years and that the last time she asked me for sex was when I was 24. But she still brought it up the abuse from time to time. She brought up the physical abuse the most. She thought it was funny. She’d bring it up in public just to humiliate us. I was an adult then. My come backs to some of her statements took onlookers by surprise just as much as the mother’s statements did. “Do you remember that time I hog tied you?” My reply, “Yes, I talked about it in therapy last week.” We were standing at the check out in a local department store when this conversation took place.
Dr.B and I talked about the things I use to do as a child that were way beyond my years. I told him about the thing with the checkbook and about how when she left I told her she couldn’t take the money that she’d have to go pennyless. I told him, if I had that kind of strength then and determination to live despite her actions why do I feel so tired now? I wondered if I’d spent all I had just surviving her. He said that I lived in a state of emergency. I did what I had to do to keep living but when I moved out of her house in ‘92 I no longer had to live in that emergency state. He said I might have just shut down from exhaustion. Then he added, why wouldn’t you be tired after that? I did a double take like, what did you say? I hardly ever look him in the eye. I keep my eyes to the floor but when he said this I looked up at him, turned my head in wonder then looked at him again. My eyes returned to the floor and a soft smile fell across my face. I told him that the people that comment on my journal say that he’s a keeper. He said, I have my own fan club? I said yeah, it’s the Dr. B fan club.
The session was hard because we got into some stuff but all in all it was another assurance that this guy can do me some good. I’m thrilled beyond belief to have his support. He is looking to get me into a support group that lasts for 10 weeks and is based on sexual abuse survivors. I told him I didn’t want to be in the Borderline Personality Disorder group because the last time I was in a room full of borderlines I wanted to start popping pills and drinking. He laughed. I said, I’ll skip on the borderline group. One or two of us together is one thing but you put a bunch of us in one room and it is chaos personified. Oh the manipulation is as thick as the mud in the Mississippi river or the Indiana retention ponds. Everyone is talking but no one is really saying what they mean or asking for what they need in an appropriate manner. You couldn’t cut the tension with a.Ginsu. In fact there is no tension felt because as borderlines we are able to simply numb it and pretend we feel nothing. We can laugh and cross each others boundaries at full speed while disregarding our own..all without blinking and eye. So no thank you Dr.B, I’ll pass the plate on that one.
I’ve got to get some sleep. I’ve been up all night because I was trying to be at my 9am appointment. Why on earth would anyone want to do anything at 9am? That is an ungodly hour I must say. If I’d gone to sleep I wouldn’t have gotten up on time and I would have missed out on my therapy session lesson. I have to try not to put this guy on a pedestal because when he fucks up, and he will because he’s human I don’t want to have to resort to old coping skills to deal with his fuck up. You know like, oh my goodness. I thought you were different but you’re like everybody else. I have to go home and do some comfort eating and sulk around the house all day remembering every single person on the face of the earth that has turned their back on me or put a knife in my back. Woe is me! So see, ever once in awhile I’ll have to diss him publicly to make sure that I keep him down on a fallible human level.
I need sleep. The dog is snoring and kicking, farting and throws out an occasional squeal as he chases the squirrel that always alludes him in his dreams. The two cats have chased each other so much that they are worn out and crashed. It’s my turn now. Blue plaid sheets, here I come.
so what does a person do all night instead of sleep? Well, the floors have been steam cleaned. i used flea soap on it then rinced it with downey. Downy is a good flea killer and it makes the carpet soft and it smells nice. I did two loads of laundry, washed the dog and played Bejeweled2. I’m exhausted.
Joan of Arc, on the wrong side of the covers
As difficult as it may seem, keep on going. If nothing else, you have the support of your multiple friends who have been or are in the same place you are.
Keeping him off of a pedestal is very wise but, try to also remember, how very special he is. Many therapists are bad from the word go. So maintain your trust and good feelings about this therapist.
I hope you sleep well and that the pets let you sleep.
peace and blessings
keepers