Monthly Archive for June, 2006

Page 5 of 6

Yo-Yo Syndrome (Fur Babies, etc.)

Published on June 12, 2006 in For the Record, Mental Health and Pets. 2 Comments

Fur Babies- Anxiety Stress-Monday, June 12, 2006 5:05AM EST

As I write this there is a little kitten climbing my leg to come and see what I’m up to..either that or she's running for cover because her big sister and her k9 brother have been chasing her around all day. I suppose that sounds horrible but when you think about her little paws pattering across the floor then bouncing from Gracie's head over to Captain's the feelings of sorrow and "oh poor thing" disappear. They harass each other all day and they all seem to enjoy it except when they are the target.

Gracie isn't certain why the kitten keeps trying to nurse on her. When she gets up to walk away in a huff the kitten follows behind her in objection. Both of them are confused about the whole thing. One thing is for certain, it's hilarious to see that little tiny thing chase Captain. It’s just too funny. Bella was shocked when she saw Gracie puke up a hairball. She didn’t know what to think of that!

While the fur babies have been playing, sleeping, pooping, puking and annoying one another I've been sleeping and bouncing back and forth between angry and anxious. I was able to relax a bit at Sg’s house. As long as we stayed in her apartment things were fine but when it came time to take Captain outside to use the restroom we had to see some of those crackheads and bitches we use to know when we lived there. Of course one of them started something. I wasn’t even out of the elevator good before she was jumping down my throat about how I didn’t write the correct address down on the sign in sheet. I said nothing at all. She was sitting in a chair yelling at me with her toothless self. I should have said, “Did you leave your teeth up stairs or did someone knock ‘em out cause you were talkin’ crazy to them too?” I said nothing; in the interest of peace I said nothing. Sg kept looking at me like she was waiting for me to go off. It’s not like I go off all the time or something but she was sure kind of holding her breath in hopes that I wasn’t going to act just a ghetto as they were acting.

On the way back upstairs we ran into an old crackhead that was banned from the building years ago. He has got to be setting some kind of record…maybe as the oldest living crackhead. My God this man has to be 70 now and he is STILL on crack! My goodness, how? How is he STILL alive?! Unlike a few years ago he is now wheelchair bound, totally bald, has one leg amputated leaving the other dangling and in need of some serious lotion. I think he and Keith Richards are competing to see who can do the most drugs and out live the other.

The second time that I took Captain out to use the restroom we got stuck in the elevator. A guy that got out just as I got on had been bleeding and left a few drops of blood on the tiles. That was pretty nasty but nothing unusual for that building. At least this time it wasn’t pee or worse. So, while we waited for the fire department to come some girl decided to have a fake anxiety attack. She was annoying big time. What annoyed me even further was that Sg took it upon herself to calm the heifer down. No one else was worried about it because it was clear that it was fake so the major bit of annoyance was that Sg kept talking and talking but she was talking in that damn “I'm here for you” tone. That tone made people want to add her blood to the blood that was already on the floor. Again, I said nothing. Finally, the fire department showed up and freed us from Sg’s “concern,” the fake attack and the blood droplets.

All of that sounds like it would be an awful time over there but truthfully, it wasn’t. It let me know that what I have here at this house is so much better than where I was. It gave me another reality check and I did get some rest. Captain got to mark his old yard a bit and play with Sg’s cat Torti. I got to see my friend D who swears that once things calm down on her end we’ll all three get together again. She’s got some stuff going on right now with her daughter. It seems her daughter is bi polar like her and her husband. Now, I may offend some but if you know you AND your spouse have bi polar disorder it’s just down right wrong to have kids biologically. Enough about that. Well, one more thing, how on God’s earth did 2 bi polar people ever get together and stay together long enough to have 2 children? But then again, the woman I was with for 10 years has DID. That was an interesting relationship. We often joked that sex with a multiple is really group sex or there’s no such thing as monogamy when it comes to dating a multiple.

So, at this very moment I feel somewhat better than when I left. I keep having these flashes of anger but they don’t stay as long as they did and I'm not throwing things right now so that’s good. It worries me that I go from angry to sad then to drop dead tired one after the other. There are few moments when I really laugh because right now I mostly feel sad and or exhausted. I have to say though; I’ll take the rare anger free or depression free moments as they come. I’ll enjoy them instead of squandering them away by wishing things were always so pleasant.

Feelings Inventory: depressed, sorrowful, hopeless, irritated and grieved.

I feel Depressed and sorrowful but I'm not exactly sure why. It’s a heavy feeling that lightens for just a few moments here and there.

I feel hopeless and grieved.

I feel irritated by Sg mostly but something tells me that the issue isn’t her.

Feeling Words For Kids on www.tooter4kids.com

Rocking, etc

Published on June 11, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, For the Record and Mental Health. 3 Comments

2:17AM

this is rediculous. at Sg's all I did was curl up on her sofa and sleep, sleep, sleep. i'm home now and all i want to do is cry and sleep, cry and sleep and maybe even a little more crying than sleeping. i walked in this house and all i wanted to do was head straight to bed.

i found myself irritated beyond belief at Sg for really no reason at all. I was critical and rather impatient. i'm just not in a good mood at all. i'm headed back to the living room cause she's here with me right now.

the threesome are doing just fine. they play well together. i wish Sg didnt have to go home. i keep getting irritated with every living thing but i still dont want her to go home. i'm somewhat afraid right now…just kinda scared and very, very down. the counting in my head has got to stop. 1234567-1234567-1234567 over and over again. the rocking, the counting, the anxiety it's all getting to me.

Maureen

Angry owner uses dead puppy as a weapon

Published on June 8, 2006 in For the Record, Humor, Soapbox, Stupid People and Therapy. 3 Comments

I just got back from therapy and read this.

ST. PETERS, Mo. – A woman angry that her new puppy had died pushed her way into a dog breeder’s home and repeatedly hit her on the head with the dead Chihuahua, authorities said.

The 33-year-old woman told police she had taken the puppy to a veterinarian, who said it was only 4 weeks old and needed to be returned to its mother. But before she could return the puppy, it died.

Early Wednesday, the woman went to the breeder’s home, pushed her way inside and began fighting with the breeder as she tried to make her way to the basement to get another puppy, police said.

The breeder wrestled the woman out of her house to the front porch, where the woman then hit the breeder over the head numerous times with the dead puppy, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported, citing police.

As the woman drove away, she waved the dead puppy out of the car’s sunroof and yelled threats at the breeder, police said. She later called the breeder and threatened her and her family, according to court records.

Police said they are considering felony burglary charges against woman and misdemeanor assault charges.

© 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Yet I am the one on medication!

When it comes to anger, lack of control and things along this nature I’d file this under symptoms or maybe even dissociative disorder but when it’s someone else’s symptoms I can only file it under general chatter. I’ve yet to come up with a good category name for those with poor impulse control and who have a clear (and habitual) record of laps in their judgment. Maybe that’ll be it, “YOUR laps in judgment.” She beat the woman with a dead puppy! I hope this woman doesn’t end up with PTSD over this. Puppy Traumatic Stress Disorder. My God, she’ll never recover from this and even if she did she’d never live it down. This is wrong in so many ways! And when that women went to jail what did she say she was in for, assault with a DEAD weapon?

This puts my situation in sooo much more perspective.

Joan of Arc, I’m okay, you’re okay ..nah, you’re not okay but you will might be.

 

 

changing, deleting, i know this

Published on June 8, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and Therapy. 1 Comment

the other lay out seemed better but the font was too small. i prefer a larger font and i like for my links to show a different colour than the normal font.

when things inside go haywire we want to start changing things, cleaning things, moving things or throwing them away. we get on the pc sometimes and do some radical cleaning. we run scans and reorganize and really do a work out on the pc. it's like throwing away ourselves, like cleaning ourselves. only we dont usualy feel clean. i should say i dont usually feel clean. Joan says that she thinks its why I clean so much because i feel like i'm cleaning myself. when i take 3 years to clean a glass it's not the glass i'm worried about being dirty, it's me. we start throwing them away because they (I) will never be clean. We recognize this behavior in us right now so we've decided to simply log off and leave the journal alone before it finds itself deleted. I dont think they would like it too much if I did that. I would regeret it later too. it's 2am right now and we have to go see Dr.B tomorrow afternoon. Sg isn't coming over because it's therapy day and well, therapy day isn't the best day for me to socialize. if i need her i'll call her but usually i dont try and do anything significant on therapy day.

i feel so low right now, just unbelievably low. i keep looking for a reason that i'd feel this low. i keep trying to figure out if there is something that has happened that would make me feel so damn down as if knowing the answer would make it all better.

i talked to my friend in Big Foot country and really enjoyed the conversation. I'm happy I went ahead and called her cause all I really wanted to do was sit and lower my head. I kept trying to reach out when all i wanted to do was sit. I just dont want to feel this way anymore. Sometimes I wish that I didnt exist because it gets hard like this. It seems that Joan and Destiny are much better at handling things than I am. I dont know, I shouldn't compare myself to them.
i have to get back to the dog and his furry sisters.

Maureen

Cutting and Self Injury: I Feel

Published on June 8, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and Therapy. 1 Comment

Cutting and Self Injury-Thursday, June 08, 2006-12:31 AM

I have this totally overwhelming urge to cut. I’ve had it for a few hours now but the urge to self injure has been here for several days now. one of the reasons I haven’t read one single page of the book “I Can’t Get Over It” is because of how much I want to hurt myself right now. We’ve kept one soar open for sometime now, refusing to let it heal is another form of self injury. We talked to our medial doctor about it but not the new therapist. I think I’ve only seen him 4 times now. it gets close to healing and we re-infect it. Right now it’s pretty bad and we just refuse to put anything on it. Awhile back Captain got a yeast infection in his ears and we were cleaning it with one of those little suckers that people use to clean a babies nose. Well, one of the little ones decided it would be fun to put it in our belly button. Well, it was fun to them at first but when we started itching it stopped being fun. They didn’t mean to give us a yeast infection on our stomach but we meant to let not treat it. It’s been there for awhile now and yeah, it itches terribly. There is more than one way to self injure. We use to shave our head all the damn time, shave every inch of hair on our body completely off. We haven’t done that in about 3 years now and I doubt that we’ll do it again. But this re-infection on our stomach has taken the place of shaving our head. It’s not as obvious to people that something about us isn’t right. Looking at us with a shaven head shows that something isn’t right but you can’t see a red belly under the cover of a shirt.

I think we’ve hit a number of emotions today; most of them were not pleasant ones. It is hard to keep our head in one spot for long. We pace back and forth, get up from the chair, walk across the floor, come back and sit again. It feels like I'm going to lose my damn mind.

This is how I feel: Inhibited, void, trapped, confused, embarrassed, anxious, nervous, dirty, broken, frustrated, unsettled, disapproved of, stupid, resentful, bad, afraid, afraid, afraid.

  • Inhibited, trapped- inside my head with so much confusion that it feels like my head will explode.
  • Confused- about what is real and what is not, about what is my fault and what is not, about what I see in front of my eyes…can I trust it? Can I trust my own judgment?
  • Embarrassed, stupid, disapproved of – I feel like I'm out of control. I feel like others can see just how out of control and unsure I am and I find that to be embarrassing.
  • Anxious, nervous, unsettled – I keep rocking and I know from experience that rocking only increases my dissociation. I catch myself but truthfully, it feels better to keep rocking than to stop.
  • Broken- I feel sick in my head and I worry that we might not ever get any better. I hate being so divided. I hate the noise in my head. I hate being so afraid that we won’t get any better.

I have to print this stupid thing off now so I can bring it in to therapy.
Maureen

To Willowesque- inside crowd

Published on June 7, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder and For the Record. 2 Comments

Willowesque Says:
June 6th, 2006 at 11:01 pm Hi Austin:

From what I’ve read so far of your work, I’m sure that the posted temperament matches you pretty well. Is it possible for “the crowd” to ever think about just one thing (all at the same time)?

W

———-

Boy, that would be nice. I bought a CD a few years back and took it home to listen to. I'd heard it maybe 3 times in a row when I realized that the only songs I actually heard all of were the first and the last. It hit me that I was switching during the CD. Well, the sarcastic side won over and asked them, "If you can all talk at the same time how come you can't all listen at the same time?" Well, it only took maybe listening to that CD another 3 or 4 times before I actually got to hear the whole thing. Like most people, alters dont take well to passive aggression.

We do compliment one another well but that didnt come without some work. In the beginning we played games together. We played trivia games inside. Someone would ask a question that they knew one of us knew the answer to. Then whomever came up with the answer first won that game. Sometimes it would take a week for someone to say the answer but when you play against yourselves your chances of winning are astronomical. LOL. If you dont win against yourself something is seriously wrong. The question had to be something we knew the answer to and something we could not go to outside sources to find. We couldnt look anything up in a book or whatever. Little games like this encouraged inner communication on levels not having anything to do at all with pain or the past.

There are many DID systems that dont work well together. There are some that have alters that they're afraid of but this is not the case in Morton's Pride. One thing we have noticed is that we listen to Morton without conditions. When he hands down a decision no one questions it. We trust him without question but when you think about it that isnt always a good thing, to trust without question. Everyone in Morton's Pride has an equal saay and we work together to solve issues but on large ones he has the final say. This means that if things go wrong the main brunt of it falls on his shoulders much like it would for the president of a country or the CEO of a company. The problem with not questioning Morton is that we can see in some instances how that relates to the past and our mother. We did what she said to do, no questions asked. The thing with Morton is, he works with us not against us and he is not a cruel man or a dangerous man. He is here for our safety and our well-being and he does not hurt us. In some areas I can see that how our system is set up relates very much to having one figure that we answered to..like how we answered to the mother. In most areas our system is set up the exact opposite of when we were a kid.

Morton sees himself as being 10 feet tall. That exact measurement has meaning. At the age of 6 (significance not for the public) but at the age of 6 we stood 4 feet tall. The mother stood 5 foot 11 inches. In order to not die by her hand we had to always be one step ahead of her thought and her actions. If you add one inch (one step) to 4 and 5 foot 11 you get exactly 10 feet tall. His goal is and has always been to stay one step ahead of her. To treat us the way she did would be to mimic her needless pain. Morton is not in to hurting people.

With Morton, his main function is to assist not to tear down and destroy. Like most human beings he messes up, sometimes big sometimes small. Like most human beings he has a sense of humor, a quiet side, a social side, a quirky side and every other side you can think of. He runs the gamete like most people do. But unlike our mother he is caring and conscious of our needs and wants.

I know I just made him sound like a God but we do not see him that way. He is more like a father figure to the Pride. For us, a father is not something to fear because we did not grow up with our father. Our parents were divorced soon after I was born. We were never allowed to see him so we were never hurt by him. Our main abusers have been women, namely our mother. So seeing Morton as a fatherly figure is not upsetting or triggering to us. If we said that I seemed like a mother figure you'd have dead silence inside. then we'd all struggle to sort out exactly what I meant by that and how I differ from the mother we had back then. The two words mean totally different things for us. Mothers are dangerous and cruel beings. With a father there is no history so he can be the ideal Father Knows Best figure without our mind twisting to seperate the past from the present.


Joan of Arc, Second In Command aka Vice President. (but I'd never shoot my best friend in the face.) I'm also the front runner so I'm the one most people talk to on the phone and in person. In general I means Joan. I am not the same person as Austin's August but sometimes I do sign my name as Austin. So, Joan and Austin are the same person. To confuse readers even further, Aussie is neither me nor Austin's August. Aussie is a pre-teen. 

Off Balance

Published on June 7, 2006 in For the Record and Mental Health. 0 Comments

I got a great e-card from a friend today. It said that since i'm in the dumps she would like to send me a little angel to watch over me. Then it showed a picture of a bearded Hell's Angel on a Harley Davidson. Too funny. I love it!

My plan for today was to get up, sit down, get up and maybe in a few minutes sit back down again. (This is considered yoga in a few circles.) After that I planned to walk into the kitchen for a cold drink, walk back here, sit down and not move for hours at a time. (This is considered to be laziness in most circles) Laziness was the plan for today. It is clear that none of that is going to work out so Plan BTB is now in effect. I'M GOING BACK TO BED.

Off Balance

Balance is the key to everything but if you are anything like me you can never find your keys.

 

Thanks for the Hells Angel my friend. Quite hilarious I must say.

Joan of Arc, off balance