Monthly Archive for July, 2006

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Flashbacks: Life Without Pain

Published on July 29, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments

An old therapist asked me what life would be like without pain. I was stumped by the question. Life without pain? Hm, what is that? She was talking about giving up cutting. I knew that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon and I told her that. I told her that if I was going to work on issues I had to be able to at least have the option to do that. I told her that it is my decision if I will cut or not. The bottom line is, at this point I need that option. She didn’t like the answer but then again, it is my body.

In therapy last week we talked about this physical reaction I have before I walk into the restroom. I have the hiccups just before opening the door. I know why. I mean shehhh..i know exactly why. At first I didn’t. I had to try and think about what just happened before the hiccups started and then stopped. It’s just before I open the restroom door. From there we talked about flashbacks and EDMR or EMDR, whatever it’s called. He said that it could help alleviate some of the flashbacks and make daily life better for me. The reaction I had surprised me. It seems like I would jump at that chance but my reaction was that I needed the flashbacks. Strange, I need the flashbacks.

Sometimes the only thing I have to hold onto when I think I might be exaggerating about the abuse is my diagnosis and the flashbacks. The theme is the same, the “players’ are the same, the places familiar and the time frames are filled with viable proof. When I think I might be making shit up it is the flashbacks and the dx that let me know that there is no way on earth I could keep the same damn flashbacks for years upon years and keep them at the rate and at the intensity that they are and have it all based on fiction. So when he said that about getting rid of flashbacks I worried that I’d have no more real proof that she hurt me. Yes, they make life almost unbearable. They make life seem like a burden and a waste of time but they also serve as a symbol of undeniable truth that the woman hurt me. If anything at all is consistent it’s the flashbacks and the fact that I can’t get away from those three little letters (DID). Hell, as many doc’s as I’ve seen I think I can reasonably stop doubting that I’ve tricked them all. I mean damn, she said I was manipulative but give me a break here. I’d really have to do some serious lying to them and myself and keep up the details of the lie. Lies are hard to keep up with. You have to tell one to justify the other. They grow and get out of control. The story changes when it suits itself. My story hasn’t changed one bit. The flashbacks haven’t changed in theme and I don’t think I could get a reasonable doctor to tell me I don’t have DID. So if the flashbacks stop what do I have to tell myself when doubt does kick in?

Again, I’m a worry wart when it comes to this. I worry so much about being the liar my mother said I was. I worry that somehow, just maybe I really have taken it all out of context. So if the flashbacks are gone what do I have to counter that argument with? What can I say?

I just had another thought….why would I need to say anything? If this is a step to move past all this and not feel like a liar wouldn’t it be a good thing to have fewer flashbacks and progress to a healthier me so that I can be the person I want to be without hearing that bitch’s voice all the damn time? What if for one day, for 24 hours I didn’t hear her voice in my head telling me that people know it’s really me and not her that’s the problem? What if for one day I went to bed without this overwhelming fear that she will be standing in the door later in the night? What if?? My God!

I have this fear that I’ll get better or that I’ll challenge the things she says so much that I get better and then for sure the mother will think I’m a bad person because I’m no longer under her mental thumb. So letting go of her voice means letting go of any hope that I’ll be the good girl I tried so hard to be. It’s also frightening to think of because saying anything against her and believing it seems wrong. It’s like speaking out against a Charismatic Church and saying they are wrong about this or that. The fear is that strong that I’m doing some sort of “hell bound” wrong by saying anything at all against her. Like I will somehow upset God by going against her and saying that she hurt me and that she was wrong for doing various things.

There is a certain part of me that needs the emotional pain, a part of me that feels she needs to be kept in her place by the pain so that I don’t think too much of myself. So I don’t ever really reach happiness because it’s not really for me. I’m not worthy of it because I’m inherently bad. There is a part of me that needs the pain so that I never really reach happiness and have the audacity to accept it as if I actually deserve it.

The therapist gave me a hand out on EDMR. It’s waddled up the bottom of my back pack with the hand out on anger. I do not take it lightly that Captain has stayed by my side since the last therapy appointment. I know to watch how he responds to me so that I get a good sense of how I’m doing. It is without effort that I leave myself but it’s more than effort to get back and feel my body and realize that maybe, just maybe I need to not push so hard. He’s a good grounding helper and a good reality check…my K9 friend.

This entry is closed to comments. I’m not so certain that I could hear anything other than my mother’s voice anyway. I’d see some sort of wrong with the comments. I’d see some way that lets me know that the whole world wants me to deny her. Man she taught me so well to fear her in a religious sort of way. She never said she was a god or godlike. But man she sure has an angry godlike quality to her. And I sure as heck don’t want to hear someone misquote the Bible to me and tell me that all I need is Jesus Christ in my life and things will be okay. I just don’t want to hear it. It’s just so confusing right now.

Austin

Flashbacks: Life Without Pain-Saturday, July 29, 2006-2:24 AM

My Biggest Blog Pet Peeves

Published on July 28, 2006 in For the Record and Soapbox. 5 Comments

Blog World Pet Peeves-Friday, July 28, 2006-5:37 AM

I got the idea to do my own list of Blog World Pet Peeves from the blogger at A Safe Place. I liked that list so I thought I’d go ahead and do one of my own.

My biggest blog pet peeves are all about comments (w/ a bit of humor mixed in)

  1. Anonymous comments. If you can say it you can own it. I wouldn’t care if you signed the name, “Pete” and you were really “Sally” or “Jack”. Heck, sign a handle, a screen name, a nickname…something. When someone leaves an anonymous comment they leave their true intensions to doubt. Is this person sincere? Who is this person and why would they not want me to know a name? Why do they want to be anonymous instead of just signing some kind of name? There are a ton of questions asked and the true sense of the comment may be missed. Just leave a name, any name for the love of Pete. Humor me here!!

  1. (my number thing is off and I can’t fix it w/out jacking stuff up) A blog that talks about very sensitive topics but doesn’t have a place to leave a comment or a guestbook to sign in order to leave a comment.
  2. Blogs that require a hell of a lot of information in order to leave a simple comment. So every single time you want to leave a comment you have to enter in all this info just to say, “This is funny.” or something equally as short and to the point. My blog doesn’t require all that info to be filled in each time so please don’t feel obligated to fill in every single time. And don’t get me started on those comment codes that would challenge the patients of Job or say…Gandhi. I think it might even drive Gandhi to violence..some of those codes!!!! Blogger.com is so good at making them as hard as possible. And if you take too long filling it out it’ll tell you that you didn’t do it right when you did and give you another code even harder than before. Like I said, don’t even get me started!!!

  3. ThinkComments that completely leave out the human factor. I hate comments that are unusually negative and accusatory when the commenter does not even know the blogger. I’ve been guilty of a few inflammatory comments myself. I’ve gone back to apologize up and down. I forgot the human factor. I forgot that behind the screen is a human being that may or may not be up to my personal lack of control. Think before you click because what you say matters. You can hurt a perfect stranger so think before you click. I originally thought I found the graphic at beautifuldreamer’s place but it was actually Cat With A Pen’s place. (good journals by the way)

I’m going to switch gears on this one. These are the top things I hate about my thought process while blogging.

  1. I worry so much about saying the wrong thing and making another survivor feel bad. I worry about every single solitary word I write being said the wrong way or taken the wrong way.
  2. I worry that if I put up a blogroll that names that are not intentionally left off will feel hurt. I fear that if I put one up there will be someone out there wondering why on earth their link isn’t there…she’s known me for this long how come my name isn’t up there? I worry…man do I worry.
  3. I worry about my inconsistencies being seen as lies. I worry that someone is so ready to tear apart the entries to find the slightest inconsistency and then call it a lie.
  4. I worry that I’ll show too much strength then when I fall people will be like, oh damn Aussie’s down I didn’t see that one coming…
  5. I worry about family members finding my blog.
  6. I worry about sounding stupid.
  7. I worry about my spelling. I can’t spell. I’ve gotten better but the truth is, I can’t spell worth crap. I use Word to correct things but I still worry, worry, worry. So I end up reading the entry several times before posting it because someone just might think Aussie is stupid. Arggh! Make it stop!! Just make the inner dialogue stop!!
  8. I worry about crossing other people’s boundaries when I comment. I worry about giving too personal of a reply to blogs that I’ve visited for the first time. I worry that I’m going to be on some blog blacklist getting circulated to all overly critical half wits.Then I’ve got another reason to believe that I’m a “bad girl.” Yeah, I worry…a lot. Pressing send or save is a hard thing for me to do because for me is means that I may just be reassured that yes, I’m a bad person.
  9. I worry that people will come to depend on me. I worry that they will need more than I can give. I worry that saying that will make people not reach out when I am up to helping….again, I worry… I don’t want to be anyone’s rock but I don’t want to be unavailable and unapproachable either.
  10. What name do I sign? And if I sign a name other than the generic name “Austin” will it even be believable?
  11. I worry about talking about physical stuff because I fear that people will think I’m a hypochondriac…. As if the only problems a mental health patient has are mental…like maybe I can only have mental health problems but physical problems added make me a hypochondriac. I worry.

Clearly the major theme of these pet peeves is, “I fear what people will think.” I care what people think. I long for acceptance but mock it at the same time. I’m a human being, I both need and hate people. I’m a survivor; I fear so much that I’ve somehow taken all this out of context and that in fact the mother was a good mother.As you can see, blogging is so very a complicated thing for me/us. Self doubt is the ugliest beast in the world. Somebody’s going to find out I’m a fake. Somebody is going to find out that the abuse wasn’t that bad. Somebody is going to find out that I’m not as strong as I appear and they’re going to be disappointed. I click send and this is what I think, every single solitary time, this is what I think. I beat myself up a lot. Like I said, somebody make it stop.

Austin

My Recovery

Published on July 27, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Soapbox. 3 Comments

Worrying About How Other’s Feel About My Recovery-Thursday, July 27, 2006-6:51:24 AM EST

 

The Godfather in his entry called Get Over It gave me a push to do something I’ve been meaning to do for awhile now. First let me comment on what it was in his entry that kind of gave me the courage to write this post. In his entry about the two ways to take the phrase get over it he explains that one meaning is really negative and not meant to help or support but to show annoyance. He says, “Is the survivor supposed to feel guilty due to the fact of “annoying” another person? The answer is clearly No – If the person feels annoyed he should either leave or try to help instead of trying to suppress other people’s feelings due to laziness and/or a lack of respect. Why respecting someone who doesn’t respect you and cares for your well-being? This would be nothing else than an abusive relationship!”

What’s been on my mind is that I’ve been told on several occasions in the past 2 months or so that my journal is depressing. One person said they liked the journal but just couldn’t come anymore because of how depressing I am. But what I don’t get is that this is the same person that once told me that she doesn’t understand how others can be annoyed or tired of her personal pain. Okay so now that she’s not in crisis she doesn’t need Aussie anymore. Do I hear from her? Nope. But you let her have a down slope and I’ll hear from her. It just makes me angry that I’d at times taper my words for fear of depressing people. I can’t remember where I read it but someone said that no one is forced to read their journal and that they can click on “next” or move on at any time. And that’s how I feel about this now. The topic of this journal is clear…it’s a survivors journal. I’m not surviving the last comedy special or surviving some beauty pageant I’m surviving abuse so this journal will get depressing sometimes. And it will get ugly. I want to be able to say what I need to say without worrying that I’m depressing someone or that I’m going to get a comment from some asshole telling me how lazy I am and to get over it and get a job like I did awhile back. The asshole is still on my mind. Why? Why do I care so much that someone thinks I’m a lazy government moocher? The person doesn’t even know me. I know that it is because of mother issues and has nothing at all to do with that idiot who said that to me. I know for a fact that what they said has stayed with me because of my mother issues and her vocal protests about my disorder. But then again, she would be vocal in denying that she hurt me.

Anyway though, I just don’t want to have to feel like I have to write something encouraging every once in awhile just to keep the mood from pushing people over the edge. I can not be responsible for other people’s emotions. Heck, that was my job at home. I was on every single change of the tide (her moods) and I shifted at every moment to keep up so as not to get hurt. It felt like I was responsible for her life…what I did determined if she lived or died…those were her words. I don’t have that kind of power over anyone unless I’m holing a gun to their head.

At her house it mattered what I said and how I said it. I use to practice questions she might ask me so that I could come up with an answer that couldn’t be taken wrong and would satisfy her for the moment. I’d pick and choose which words best fit and take out words that could be taken wrong. I hate that I still do this…that I watch my every word that I’ve got this voice in the back of my head telling me to watch my step…warning me about being a “bad girl.” So I guess I know that while the words of others are empty and careless the main problem is that I haven’t yet worked through the whole mother issue shit. I want her to shut the fuck up!!! That way when idiots come along and take my compassion for granted or idiots come along and talk to me as if they know me I can simply pass them off as the assholes that they are. So I’ve got to learn to shut up the mother a hell of a lot more so that I don’t still feel I have to watch my every word and say things just so or I’ll just prove that she was right…Aussie is a bad girl. That is wrong, I’m a grown woman…the little girl has grown up and the word bad only applies if I’ve broken a law. I think freedom of speech is still legal in this country.

The truth is, Austin is sometimes all over the map. I’m high spirited, energized one day then feel kicked in the teeth by flashbacks the next. I struggle with cutting daily. I struggle with my “bad girl syndrome” daily. I’m sometimes confident, I’m sometimes so unsure of myself that I’d rather hide my head and not look anyone in the eye for fear of them knowing just how short I fall. I’m sometimes overly critical, opinionated and over bearing. Sometimes I talk too much or say nothing at all when clearly something should be said. Heck, I’m an emotional seesaw. I have a lot of drive some days and then I have days when I just don’t care anymore. And sometimes when things get overwhelming for me I end up posting something that is just really out of order, rambling, ranting, laughing and all that crap in one post. I don’t erase those entries because that is what I felt at the time. It’s what happens with this disorder and it happens with singletons that are trying to move past abusive shit.

I would like to have a quiet mind. I would like to simply say what I mean without worrying who is going to be offended and who is going to agree. Will I be seen as a “good girl” or will I be seen as an overbearing know-it-all, an idiot who thinks she knows everything or some person who thinks she’s making sense when in fact she’s not. I worry and I’m tired of worrying about how other people feel about my fucking recovery.

I have to get ready for therapy. I didnt go to sleep. The appointment is at 9am. Who on earth does anything this early? It’s almost ungodly…this hour. I dont do mornings. I told Blossom that the Bible should have started out, “In the beginning God .. hit the snooze button.” I know very well that if we are made in his image that it means he wasn’t a morning God at all….therefore mornings are now amongst the once one and only unforgivable sin of blasphemy.

Joan of Arc

 

Therapy Tomorrow – Control Quiz

Published on July 27, 2006 in For the Record, Mental Health and Therapy. 2 Comments

I’m anxious about my therapy appointment. I have a 9am with Dr.B tomorrow morning..or should I say this morning in a few hours…. It’s 4:16am right now and I’ve got to be up and out of here no later than 8:15am to avoid rush hour traffic. Blossom is asleep and I’m up. I have no idea why I have a splitting head ache but I do….right behind my right eye. I read that its a type of migrane. It’s eased up a bit so I can’t complane about that. It’s gotten a heck of a lot better.

I keep wondering where I’ve been but I think I’ve just been asleep. For the last few days I seem to just sleep and sleep and sleep. I was happy to have that ballet in the sky dream and the orchestra. that was pretty cool.

we had phili steak tonight for dinner. it was on sale at the store so i went ahead and got some a bit ago. they were better than i remembered them being. i’ll have to watch for sales on that stuff.

I’ve got to at least try and rest. i dont want to walk in there all jacked up. he’s going to want to know why I wasn’t there last week and why i canceled about 2 hours before the appointment. that was the day my body hurt so badly i could hardly walk. It was a Lupus&Fybro day…. oh boy! Double time pain so I just kind of slept and then Blossom came over and stayed for I dont know how many days. Her being here so long has reminded me of what marriage was like. … damn, the same face every single day, day in and day out… listening to them blab on and on about God only knows what…no, i’m kidding…she isnt that bad. I like it when she’s here I just thought I’d take a shot at marriage cause I dont think i’ve shot it down in awhile.

MeMe’s daughter had her baby. He’s a screaming 6 pounder …. healthy and happy. So she’ll be there for 3 weeks with her daughter showing her how to do the nursing thing and other motherly things. I tell you, this woman has such a strong love for her children. The way she talks about them and the tone in her voice, the things she says just blow me away. Her dedication is unmatched to anything I’ve seen. She had DID also and that makes it double hard to raise kids. She seems to have done a good job though. I’m proud of her. She doesn’t quite realize how good of a job she’s done but she really has done a great job.

Okay, gotta try and rest  before the sun comes up.

Austin

 

I’m a bit more controlling than it gives me credit for.

 

You Are 32% Control Freak
You have achieved the perfect balance of control and letting go.
You tend to roll with whatever life brings, but you never get complacent.

Are You A Control Freak?

Check all that apply to you or that you agree with.- These were my answers
* It’s difficult for you to trust people.

* You make lists for everything in your life.

* As much as possible, you need to do everything yourself.

* You tend to think that you know what’s best for other people.

* You don’t like people touching your stuff.

* It’s hard for you to get used to a new hair style or new pair of jeans.

* You would not really enjoy a surprise party thrown for you.

* You generally don’t trust people.

Austin

Medication Woes

Published on July 26, 2006 in For the Record and Mental Health. 4 Comments

Why, why, why? I say again, why???

Blossom and I looked up side effects of Wellbutrin and Zoloft. While we didnt find the side effect we were looking for we did stumble upon something that explained a lot.  Wellbutrin at higher levels is known to increase “drive”. Great!!! They increase but they dont supply any kind of …relief.. in the form of say a super model or some other sort of beautiful outlet. Hey, we’ll just increase the drive and leave her hangin’. It’s not our fault she can’t get a date.

At first the medication took all of my “drive” away….like 100%. Then I had drive but I couldnt “finish”….okay,….now that I’ve had this double amount I’m …. “hot”… all the damn time. My goodness. I thought this med was supposed to be helping me not putting me through heat cycles like some damn dog. Should I be salivating at every half way decent person that walks by? Is Candalisa Rice considered half way decent? Somebody tell me why the side effect had me goin’…hmm, rice..rice .baby…No, it’s not that bad but my goodness. This isnt’ right. If this is somebody’s idea of a joke then, okay, you’ve had your laugh…jokes over…..I bet there is some med executive sitting at his desk saying, well, if we add this compound then we can take away the depression but we’ll also take away the “drive.” (wicked laugh). Or, if we add this and take away this we’ll make her want it but not be able to really “get ‘er done.” (falls out of his chair laughing)…. Oh, oh, lets try this mixture and we’ll make her start some high risk behaviors. She wont be depressed but she’ll be a regular at the free clinic.

What is up with these side effects? I dont get it. Why can’t I just not be depressed and be balanced in the…the other area. Noooooo, they gotta either take away, fall short or supply in abundance. This is crazy! It’s crazy, crazy I say, crazy!!!!

This is another thing I should have been warned about. There should have been some sort of warning on the label…“WARNING. May cause increased drive leading to high risk behaviors. Be in a relationship while taking higher doses.”


Argggh!!

Joan of Arc (on her way to a cold shower)

Unashamed

Published on July 26, 2006 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder. 2 Comments

There is this overwhelming feeling that survivors have…shame! Shame because of what happened and fear that it might be our fault. Shame that maybe we didn’t do enough to stop it. Shame that as an adult it still haunts us. There is body shame, shame about depression, shame that we can’t just get up and hang out with others comfortably. We struggle with communication and we struggle to please because we can’t bare the thought of being rejected and hurt again. I figure that this feeling of shame is the strongest of all my emotions. I am angry too, a bit bitter at times but mostly I’m ashamed of what happened to me. Back in 1992 I painted a picture of an angle bending on her knees with her wings extended behind her. She is completely nude and kneeling before The Most High without shame. The title of the painting is Unashamed.

Image copyright © Sundrip Journals

Continue reading ‘Unashamed’

My Reply – LimbicSusie -Dreams

Published on July 25, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder. 0 Comments

LimbicSusie Says:
July 25th, 2006 at 4:44 am eAll I can say is those sound like really lucky dreams! Congratulations.Also, an orchestra is such a fine metaphor for parts all working together. And music is such a great expression of integration. I mean in the sense of everyone joining in and producing something trandscendent, as a whole.What a relief for you.
Limbic Susie

.

Austin says:

Most DID’s have two systems, one of ours is Morton’s Pride and the other is called The Orchestra Collected. We haven’t heard them play any music in a very long time. I dont think it was them in the dream but when I got your comment it reminded me of how beautifully they played inside my head…my very own orchestra…

There are some DID’s that have a background of Satanic Ritual Abuse, we do not. While the mother and the family practiced black magic they did not ever abuse us with that. There wasn’t anything done to the kids or any kids for that matter. I do not think of black magic or anything related to the occult as harmless “but” I have to say that what they practiced didn’t have anything to do with abuse of any people. I guess I’m saying this because when SRA happens with the result of DID there is usually a second group of alters that are quite mean and sabotage both systems on a regular basis. Both our systems, Morton’s Pride and The Orchestra Collected work together as much as possible. Man we’ve come far because we use to have so little control over who was out when. We made bargains and agreements, exchanges and contracts until we finally got it to the point where switching is controlled the vast majority of the time. I guess we dont really talk about them much because they are a very quiet group and do not come forward. I think the last time someone from TOC came forward was maybe 6 or 7 years back. We know they are there but they are very quiet and inactive. They have a gatekeeper like Morton. His name is Archipelago. What the mind does to survive sometimes amazes me as well as frightens and depresses the hell out of me.

about the dream- The girl in the dream was hand-gliding over airplanes as we drove on the highway. The girl dove in front of cars gracefully never even looking like she was going to crash. It was like she knew the lay out, she knew the area and moved around it knowingly. It was pretty cool. The airplanes were interesting. Heck, I dont fly. I travel the way God intended, via Ford Bronco. But she wasn’t ever in danger of getting hit by the planes either and they didnt seem to be out of place or anything. It was like the sky was her dance floor and everything else was simply a stage prop that she either worked with or moved around. It was pretty neat.

Ps. I think you should finish your painting that you started long ago. I should talk though, I have an unfinished painting of a butterfly girl from a very long time ago. I’ve done everything but her hair. For some reason I can’t bring myself to do her hair so there’s this one large white spot where hair should be but the rest is painted and completed. I just can’t seem to bring myself to finish it. I’ve even thought about doing on the PC with paint-shop or something but there’s this block…I think you know what I mean.

Austin