The People Behind My Eyes

I told her that going to therapy would be the best thing for our friendship and that it could most likely help it. I told her that her own body image is pushed off on others. She said, I know, I’ve passed that onto my girls. I said, yes, you admit that but you don’t do anything to change it. I told her that when she shows me a picture of her girls before she tells me when the pic was taken or where they were she comments on their weight and the length of their hair. Of course the tears started but again, I ignored it and kept talking. I said, you can recognize that you are harming others with your own poor self image but it does not good to recognize it if you don’t want to change it. I said, are you hearing me when I say that going to therapy could help save our friendship? She said, yes, I didn’t take it lightly. I said, I just want to make sure that you hear me when I say that I will not be reminded of my faults every time I talk to you. I used very few I messages in that conversation because I just didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t up to it.

She swears she’s going to therapy but she’s said it before. I’ve given her a time limit that I didn’t disclose to her. If she’s not in therapy by then she can forget ever needing to say she’s sorry to me again. Last night she left a message on my phone saying that she was worried about me and that she hoped I wasn’t still upset. Oh, I guess since she apologized I’m supposed to just not feel hurt anymore. The words I’m sorry do not make the hurt go away, it doesn’t even lesson the length of healing time. When you’ve heard those words before they end up making you even angrier and it takes even more times to heal. How many times did my mother tell me things would change? Countless times!!! Did they? Nope, they never, ever did. Stupid bitch, Mama!!! Anyway, so when Blossom says she’s sorry it means nothing because she’s said it so much. I want to see her in therapy and I want to see her in it within a 2 weeks. Does she know that time limit? Nope, but she knows for certain that our friendship/relationship is in danger of ending if she doesn’t get into therapy. I mean come on, who are we kidding right? We’re a frikin couple. Dang, best friends don’t do this. I never suggest trying to be best friends with your ex. It doesn’t work out like on the TV show Friends where Ross and Rachael hang out and everything is fine and they marry in the end. Blah! Yuck! It’s just TV not real life. In real life people split up for a reason and it’s not that stupid lie “we make better friends.” Who on earth believes that? Nobody so let’s stop kidding ourselves…this therapy shit is to make sure that our relationship doesn’t end bitterly…again!

Speaking of bitter, I spoke with Mic “the dick” briefly because two fellow officers died the other day while doing a bike ride to support the surviving family members of fallen officers. That must have been just horrible, to do a bike ride for fallen officers and then have two killed! His bitterness was understandable today.

Let’s see, who else was bitter? Well, not me, at least not to the degree I was yesterday. Man I was rage filled not just angry but full of rage. It came in waves too. So I’d be “just fine” or hanging on the edge and wham! I’d get hit with a wave of rage and want to just start throwing stuff and hitting stuff. Finally I crashed on the love seat because when things get like that it is best to just call it a day. I learned long ago that days like that can get really bad very quickly. Hurting myself crossed my mind more than once so I knew it was time to simply call it a day. I have heard that if a person gives it a few days they would come to the conclusion that they should continue to live. I wish I could remember the exact quote but I do believe it. So when that thought crosses my mind I remember to give it some time, to not act on impulse. I took my 1mg of clonapin and laid down. When I woke up I wanted to take more but see, I don’t need a drug problem too. I just left it alone because I didn’t want to abuse the medication. The good thing was, I stayed up and got quite a bit of my to-do list completed. I was quite proud of that.

Well, I have therapy tomorrow/today so I should hit the love seat very soon. Blaze will be here to pick me up then I’ll truck on over to the BMV to renew my license. That means my hair has to be cute for the picture. I should pose or something, turn to the side and do a blown kiss at the camera. I can’t wear my baseball cap so the pic will not look like me one single bit. My chubby freckled cheeks will be there with the mischievous gleam in my eye but without the baseball cap pulled down low you wouldn’t really be able to say, yup, that’s Austin alright.