Daily Archive for August 31st, 2006

Therapy Day

Published on August 31, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and Therapy. 1 Comment

Therapy Day-Thursday, August 31, 2006-6:13PM

I was frustrated when I went, frustrated while there, frustrated in the cab on the way home and frustrated now. First, my so called regular cab driver Blaze didn’t show. He wasn’t even in Indy at the time he was far west. What the heck!!! So some other driver shows up at 1:40PM for a 2PM appointment. Somehow I got there on time. I didn’t get there in a better mood though. At one point in the conversation I wanted to get up and leave.

We talked about my birthday. I said the 28th means nothing to me. The 2nd of February means much more. I told him why. He kept saying something about celebrating my birthday and I kept saying that it means nothing to me. Somehow we went round and around about it. He finally said something to the effect of “you have the right to celebrate.” I followed that with, “or the right not to celebrate.” That’s where I shocked myself. It just came out of my mouth. it was like, okay guy, I’ve said I don’t care about the whole birthday thing and that it means nothing to me. But he kept on pushing the celebration thing. I told him my answer was because I felt he was pushing me. He said, “I’m happy you could tell me that.” Things got a little lighter from there. I wasn’t sure if we were doing a tug of war thing or if I was still just irritated with the world and being somewhat combative. At any rate things got better in the session.

In the beginning of the session we told him we were not upset about turning 35 it’s more like being upset that the mother didn’t go through will so many threats to kill us. We told him we’re tired of dealing with this stuff. He was taken aback by that. He said, “Where did that come from?” he asked me if want to be dead. I said yes. I said I don’t want to kill myself but I’d rather not be alive. He said so you want to not hurt. I said yes.

He didn’t talk to Joan so he didn’t get any comic relief. He didn’t talk to Destiny so he didn’t get much cursing at all. What he got was a very quiet No One who kept her eyes low and whispered that she simply doesn’t want to be here. He said something about how we are working on not hurting at this level. I know he heard me when I said I was tired. He didn’t minimize that at all. I think he wanted to kind of give me a different way to look at this. Right in the middle of a rather intense moment Captain hiccuped. Dr. B asked if he was okay but Cap seemed to be fine. He’s been laying around kind of sluggish and what not. I think its the humidity.

I don’t have an appointment next week because all they had was a 9am for 30 min. I don’t think so! I am not going to get myself and Cap ready by 8:15AM to catch a cab then only stay there for 30 min but wait 2 hours for a cab to come take me back home. I do not think so! Had the 30 min. been around 2pm I would have been okay with it but not 9am. That’s just ungodly. 9am!! When she said it I said, you mean in the morning? She was like, yes. I said, “rrriiighhhtt.” I haven’t been there that long but they already know 9am is just wrong for me. It’s not going to happen. I told a doc one time that he could schedule me for a 9am or even worse an 8am but not to be surprised when I don’t show up. I said and don’t still charge me because you already know about the likelihood of me showing up. Schedule at will but don’t expect me to be there. Soooo, next week I don’t go to therapy but every week after that I have an hour long appointment. I’m happy about that. At first I could get in only twice a month but now I have a set appointment until the end of October. Oh I love it! It’s about time I got a good therapist who has time to see me but I’m still waiting for this to end because it’s too good to be true. I’ve to to crash for the night. I’m exhausted. I have a feeling we’re going to lose power again tonight. The storms have been knocking it out from time to time. Good thing the PC is on a battery with a good surge protector or I’d be in trouble.

 

 

Stuff for the therapist

Published on August 31, 2006 in Therapy. 2 Comments

image copyright 2006 @ Sundrip Journals
Image Copyright 2006 @ Sundrip Journals Image Copyright 2006 @ Sundrip Journals

Artwork for this week.

Didn’t cut but did some scratching. Anger and anxiety level have been sky high.
Lots of issues with Blossom still.

I wanted to look at the entry called a Multiples Mirror. I didn’t have enough ink to print it off. I’ll be there in a bit.
Austin

DID And The Survivor’s Cynic

Published on August 31, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder and Soapbox. 7 Comments

DID And The Survivor’s Cynic-Thursday, August 31, 2006-6:22AM EST

The terms defined below are so that readers will understand what context I’m using them in for this entry.

  • System- what a group of alters is called
  • Alter- a personality
  • Outsiders- any person that is not a member of Morton’s Pride. Any person not part of a specific group of alter personalities is an outsider. I’m an outsider to another DID’s group of personalities. Those not in our system are outsiders those inside our system are insiders.
  • Survivor- in this entry a survivor is referring to someone who lived through abuse as a child. We all know that the word survivor encompasses a larger group of people but in this entry I’m specifically talking about survivors of child abuse.
  • Trigger warnings- a warning bloggers put up at the top of an entry so that readers will know that what they have to say may be upsetting to some.

While I was going to write a whole soapbox entry about why I object to trigger warnings on blog entries and how I think survivors can be some of the cruelest people around I’ve decided to simply let that aspect go and address something different. Hey, ya know, educate the ignorant don’t slap them repeatedly because you may do more brain damage and they’ll remain stupid forever. You can quote me on that if you’d like. Anyway, I decided to write about the age groups that write on my journal and the common misconceptions surrounding how certain age groups should sound when writing.

Many outsiders believe that if an alter is age 3 they wouldn’t write on a journal because 3 year olds don’t write. Many outsiders believe that if a teenager writes they will write in such a way that identifies them as a teenager. When it comes to members of Morton’s Pride we do not fall into some preconceived idea of how we should write. As I understand it, most DID’s do not fall into a preconceived idea though they are often expected to. Although we have many similarities we have a lot more differences because our abuse was different. Our environment, our culture, economic standing, the education of our family and other factors played a part in our up bringing, not just the abuse. There are few times when a blanket idea fits every situation. There are more times though when doubt is cast because someone doesn’t fit under your version of the blanket. That is just wrong.

When survivors don’t fit into a particular mold other survivors say that person is lying about having DID. They’re a fake. I’ve seen it too many times. As a matter of fact I was reading a blog where that blogger discredited a survivor based on her own preconceived ideas of how that person’s alters should have acted because of how old that alter is. It’s wrong to say this or that person doesn’t have DID when you do not know that person and have never sat fact to face with them. Not even the most skilled professional can tell from one blog entry that a person does or does not have DID. That one particular doubting blogger did more harm than good for survivors with DID because instead of support she cast doubt and may have even given other survivors more reason to not speak up about what happened to them. That kind of undermining is what keeps survivors at war with each other. One would think we’d flock together but often we work against each other, sometimes in subtle ways but other times by out right flagrant means.

When it comes to blogging we in Morton’s Pride are given the freedom to say what we want, how we want. The main goal for Morton’s Pride is to work together and not undermine each other. When “I” write an entry signed with a different name than Austin I worry that people will think I’m faking. If the reader knows the alter writing is young but the entry has an advanced tone then I worry that people will think that I’m faking. My concern is substantiated when I read blogs like one that has recently brought controversial attention to itself.

Keeping with my goal of teaching and not just continuing conflict I’d like to explain how it is that my littles write on this blog. When a very little person has something to say they’ll have a big person type it out for them like dictation. It is very much like how an adult helps a small child write a letter to their grandparents or to some dear person like that. The same kind of assistance applies with inside littles. We help them write and we sign their name. Does it make what is said any less authentic because a bigger person typed their words out for them? Nope. It means our system works well enough together and sees the worth in each of us and is willing to support that worth by making sure even the smallest voice is heard. When it comes to our blog it’s all about the healing of Morton’s Pride but often our words bring us stress because we know that there will be someone who is ready to question and tear down for no other reason than that they have a lot of inner anger they haven’t dealt with. For this reason, when a younger person has written we close off the comments. If a younger alter wants to write we will not subject them to the possibility of rejection or name calling. When a more fragile alter has written we turn off the comment option so that they can write without worrying that someone will try and tear them down. The thing is, we blog on the net for certain reasons but when there is a greater chance for criticism and cruelty we do our best to block it. We will keep writing and we will allow every single member to write but we’ll also do our best to make sure that the writer doesn’t have bricks thrown their way.

As a whole we do not see ourselves as fragile but there are certain areas that we struggle with, like the need to be believed. As a whole we do not see ourselves as a target for criticism but we know there are certain people surfing the net just trying to find something to argue about or to shoot down. I’ve seen it happen too many times. We know that such a person will come to this blog from time to time and we know we will get comments about how ungrateful we are or how we are making this all up. We’ll get combative comments when the comment option is open. It’s happened in the past and it’ll happen again. It is my hope that I’ll always remember their issues fuel their doubt and their need to tear down. I hope I will remember that our goal has not changed simply because a reader can’t find their personal path to recovery. And I hope that we can always encourage and support our young ones to speak when they feel the need to speak and to use the words they feel they need to use. Silence is the best way to keep abuse thriving. Morton’s Pride intends to live out loud.

Me