Therapy Day

Therapy Day-Thursday, August 31, 2006-6:13PM

I was frustrated when I went, frustrated while there, frustrated in the cab on the way home and frustrated now. First, my so called regular cab driver Blaze didn’t show. He wasn’t even in Indy at the time he was far west. What the heck!!! So some other driver shows up at 1:40PM for a 2PM appointment. Somehow I got there on time. I didn’t get there in a better mood though. At one point in the conversation I wanted to get up and leave.

We talked about my birthday. I said the 28^th means nothing to me. The 2^nd of February means much more. I told him why. He kept saying something about celebrating my birthday and I kept saying that it means nothing to me. Somehow we went round and around about it. He finally said something to the effect of “you have the right to celebrate.” I followed that with, “or the right not to celebrate.” That’s where I shocked myself. It just came out of my mouth. it was like, okay guy, I’ve said I don’t care about the whole birthday thing and that it means nothing to me. But he kept on pushing the celebration thing. I told him my answer was because I felt he was pushing me. He said, “I’m happy you could tell me that.” Things got a little lighter from there. I wasn’t sure if we were doing a tug of war thing or if I was still just irritated with the world and being somewhat combative. At any rate things got better in the session.

In the beginning of the session we told him we were not upset about turning 35 it’s more like being upset that the mother didn’t go through will so many threats to kill us. We told him we’re tired of dealing with this stuff. He was taken aback by that. He said, “Where did that come from?” he asked me if want to be dead. I said yes. I said I don’t want to kill myself but I’d rather not be alive. He said so you want to not hurt. I said yes.

He didn’t talk to Joan so he didn’t get any comic relief. He didn’t talk to Destiny so he didn’t get much cursing at all. What he got was a very quiet No One who kept her eyes low and whispered that she simply doesn’t want to be here. He said something about how we are working on not hurting at this level. I know he heard me when I said I was tired. He didn’t minimize that at all. I think he wanted to kind of give me a different way to look at this. Right in the middle of a rather intense moment Captain hiccuped. Dr. B asked if he was okay but Cap seemed to be fine. He’s been laying around kind of sluggish and what not. I think its the humidity.

I don’t have an appointment next week because all they had was a 9am for 30 min. I don’t think so! I am not going to get myself and Cap ready by 8:15AM to catch a cab then only stay there for 30 min but wait 2 hours for a cab to come take me back home. I do not think so! Had the 30 min. been around 2pm I would have been okay with it but not 9am. That’s just ungodly. 9am!! When she said it I said, you mean in the morning? She was like, yes. I said, “rrriiighhhtt.” I haven’t been there that long but they already know 9am is just wrong for me. It’s not going to happen. I told a doc one time that he could schedule me for a 9am or even worse an 8am but not to be surprised when I don’t show up. I said and don’t still charge me because you already know about the likelihood of me showing up. Schedule at will but don’t expect me to be there. Soooo, next week I don’t go to therapy but every week after that I have an hour long appointment. I’m happy about that. At first I could get in only twice a month but now I have a set appointment until the end of October. Oh I love it! It’s about time I got a good therapist who has time to see me but I’m still waiting for this to end because it’s too good to be true. I’ve to to crash for the night. I’m exhausted. I have a feeling we’re going to lose power again tonight. The storms have been knocking it out from time to time. Good thing the PC is on a battery with a good surge protector or I’d be in trouble.