Feelings While Reading - I Can’t Get Over It – Questionnaire for PTSD Criterion A, Determining Trauma – Wednesday, September 06, 2006-7:05PM EST
The book kept saying that the extent of the injury is what determines if a person will develop PTSD. It said that it’s the only psych disorder in the DSMIV that is a direct result of outside influences or events. The author kept giving me all these reasons as to why it’s not my fault for having PTSD and she gave all this proof about how common PTSD is. I found myself irritated because that’s all she seemed to be saying. I thought I was just wasting my time if she was going to do for 395 pages was tell me how this isn’t my fault. I was like, yeah, okay I get it. Then I got down to Criterion F which says: The symptoms have significantly affected your social or vocational abilities or other important areas of your life. That is when irritation moved right over into shame. It seems that no matter how together I appear to be the fact remains that I’m damaged goods. I can not work outside of the home. I can’t hold a job to save my life. I’m usually too afraid to leave the house. I avoid the side of town where my grandmother lives, my level of fear is so great that it is part of my everyday life the way grass is to the ground or copper is to a penny. Some things just go together and it seems that for me the fiber of my being, what I’m made up of and what has become normal is to live in fear. That fear keeps me bound and it keeps me from being able to hold a job, hold good relationships or simply step out on my front porch without worrying that my mother will be on the other side of it. Does this affect my daily life? Hell yes, in almost every way that it could.
The author kept saying how things that cause PTSD aren’t normal. That makes me sad because I didn’t know what was happening in our house wasn’t normal until I was much older. I left home several times because I couldn’t stand it there any longer but I didn’t know that many other things were abuse or out of the ordinary until I was gone from home back in ’92. The fact that I didn’t know just pisses me off and it brings so many questions and a lot more issues than answers. I sometimes think not knowing what was or was not abuse is better than knowing. At least then there is no conscience grief and no conscious reason for bouts of depression and fits of anger when you don’t realize you’ve been hurt. Have you ever found a bruise on your arm or leg and thought, well, how did that happen? You don’t remember the event that broke blood vessels; you don’t have memory of some time when your body was assaulted with an object blunt enough to break the tissue under the skin. You don’t know when it happened and you never really felt the pain. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing because knowing means you remember the pain and you remember what that object was that penetrated straight to the core of your being. Sometimes lack of information seems so much better than being informed.
While reading I went from irritated to feelings of shame, then sadness and now a sense of grief. The grief is because I know. The grief is because I’m informed and given proof that life was not normal or supposed to happen that way. I feel cheated and that makes me angry.
Austin
Hi Austin
I could not read this so I asked john to give the general idea. He simply said, her mom was a lot like yours, granma mom also. That was enough to tell me the hell you went through. I can only say I understand, i feel so much of the same feelings, the fear, the inadequacy, moms shadow even though mine is gone as is the grandmother. I have never been able to have a relationship with a woman, raising 2 daughters that created some major problems. yeah I get a lot of how you feel and i am so sorry you went through it.
peace and blessings
keepers
i am also so sorry you went thru this. i too suffered at the hands of tormentors. mine were physically abusive, but the old adage ‘sticks and stone can break my bone, but word can never hurt me’ isnt true. words are more powerful than anything.
My sister and I were both sexually abused by our dad. Mine was rape that happened over a 6 year period. My sister says that she was only fondled and was a virgin when she left home and got married at age 18. I have with the help of therapy and 12-step groups worked through most of my issues. Still reading these articles puts a knot in my stomach. I am surprised at the extent that this is affecting me. The point of me writing you is to say that for appearance sake, most people would say that my sister should be less affected by the incest than me. That is not true. She has become an alcoholic and uses sex to get what she wants from men. I lead a relatively “normal” life, at least as normal as it can be after surviving sexual abuse. I commend you on your courage to deal with your issues online through your blog. I just started blogging on June 1, 2007. I have written a few articles on incest so far. I actually submitted an article to the Carnival Against Child Abuse tonight. Blessings. You are truly courageous.