Im quiet but still here. I’ve not been on my email for a few days but I’m still around.
*image available for sale on my CafePress shop*
http://www.cafepress.com/sundripgraphics
Monthly Archive for September, 2006
Page 2 of 5
Gratitude Monday-September 25, 2006-10:55AM
Things I’m grateful for:
Aromatherapy – this has been a great gift because it relieves a lot of tension when other more conventional measures do not. This week end Blossom and I fired up the herbal pillow and hung it above her bed. I could smell it all the way over on my doggie bed. It was very relaxing and exactly what we needed because the day was stressful and sorrowful.
Imagination and drive – I thought to use the dog’s bed to sleep on and although it’s not standard for a human to sleep in a dog’s bed it does help ease the nightmares. It’s also pretty funny to joke with friends about kicking my dog out of his bed so I can sleep in it. I hope I personally never need to use Frontline.
Humor- without it my life would not be manageable. At this point in my life I’m shooting for manageable but with humor it is sometimes even a joy. When I slept in my bed (the human bed) Cap use to pull the covers off me in the middle of the night, bunch them up and sleep on them. He did the same thing when I slept on the love seat. Keeping with his night time cover stealing routine he snatches the covers when I’m sleeping on his bed. I wake up cold, go snatch my covers back and return to his bed. He looks so hurt when I take my pillow back too.
Wagging dog tails- A dog’s tail assists in swimming and things like that but as far as I can see a dog’s tail isn’t a vital organ. I posture that a wagging tail is another one of God’s gifts to humans. I believe with all my heart the wagging tail is mainly for the enjoyment of the humans who are privileged to care for them. I know I smile every time I see Cappy wag his tail wildly simply because I walked in the front door.
Good food to warm the belly- we took food pantry items added some chicken, a few other things and had a very nice warm meal. I’ve seen the frozen meal by Tyson on several occasions but we decided to make it at home.
Broccoli Chicken Cheddar Soup
- Two chicken breasts diced
- One bowl of pre-made cheddar broccoli soup
- A few baby carrots
- I boiled rice bag (makes 2 cups)
- Garlic
- Salt & pepper to taste
In a deep casserole dish put the whole chicken breasts side by side and cover them with the soup, add garlic and carrots and cover the dish. Bake for about 45 min then add *frozen broccoli and cook for another 10 min. remove the pan and add the prepared rice. We used the boiled bag kind from the pantry. Mix the rice in with the chicken and viola, chicken broccoli stew. Fills two adult size empty stomachs.
* If you’re using fresh broccoli add the florets in the last 20 to 25 min and recover the pan.
Austin
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I dont know, i’m a bit on the sad side and i’m doing the opposite of what i should be doing. my curtains are closed and i’m isolating. those are big, huge no-no’s but I seem to draw towards that at times. It’s a battle to answer the dang on phone or to get myself to the email box and read a simple email. It’s like I have no desire to do anything at all right now. I might just have PMS I dont know. One thing I do know is that I’m not in the mood to deal with Blossom today. That is horrible of me because of what she’s going through right now. Her Dad has no longer than 3 weeks to live.
I keep getting triggered. It’s happened twice this week, once in bed and once while she had her arm around me on the sofa. Man i looked her dead in the face but I swear she became my mother. This is a bad idea!!! This is why I said I wasn’t going to have sex with anyone for quite some time cause I can’t handle the flashbacks. I was right but dang.
I dont’ like the way she touches me sometimes. Hell, half of the time I dont’ like to be touched let alone held and stuff like that. This evening I got up off of the love seat and moved to the lazy boy because she was making me physically ill. I told her no but damn she was persistent. I got up off of the love seat! yeah she’s going through some shit right now but no is no so don’t sit next to me doing crazy shit and for the love of Pete don’t come over to my side of the love seat forcefully. It seems that when it comes to fights over anything other than sex I can throw punch for punch but when it comes to sex I crumble. I lose whatever it was I had to kick that guys ass that broke into my house that one time.
I think that’s one of the reasons that I wanted to throw stuff at Dr.B in the last session. He kept telling me how in control I am. He’s not hearing me. I don’t know how to say it differently though but it’s not about physically being able to handle myself. Yeah, I can ..as he says open a can of whoop ass if need be but it is my own head that drives me crazy. I have the same control over the outside world as others do. It is my dreams, it is intimacy where things begin to break down where I freeze and can’t think. He’s not hearing me and I don’t know how else to say it so fuck it, we’ll move to something else cause this right now isn’t getting us anywhere. When he was going on about the whoop ass all I could see me was that night with Blossom when I could have sworn it was my mother there. He kept talking about strength and being in control but I couldnt say to him Dr. B I have control in ever area but sex. If you try to hit me you better kill me but when it comes to being attacked sexually I’m a 6 year old little girl. I didnt say anything. I reacted like a 6 year old though cause man I wanted to throw something at his head so bad. I did tell him that though. I told him I wanted to throw stuff at him. He seemed shocked.
Now that I think about it perhaps telling him wasn’t so bad after all. He clearly had no clue that I was feeling that way. perhaps he has not yet learned to see past our mask. It takes a bit I know. One therapist I had to tell to not try and rely on body language or what’s on my face. I said to listen to what I’m saying because it’s different than what my body is telling you. I’m not going to show it physically. Hell, I watch the way I sit. I “watch” the expression on my face. I do it automatically and now I can’t stop so I have to tell them to not rely soley on what they see in body language. I need him to hear my words and not try and read my body language. That may be why he missed the fact that I wanted to hurt his ass bad! Not being violent by nature we quickly got ourselves in check. I noticed the anger rising so ya know I had to kinda get myself together. No, I wouldn’t have thrown anything at him but what scared me was that it popped in my head. No, I wouldn’t have thrown it but anger reaction scared the crap out of me so I sat on the floor because it feels safer on the floor sometimes.
It was odd because he asked me a lot about switching. We haven’t talked about it much. We focus on PTSD stuff a lot but not much on DID. I think he believes it is not much of a problem anymore. I agree that it is less of a problem now and that PTSD seems to be the main issue but DID is still very much a disruptive force in my life.
I just got nauseous so that is my cue to stop.
I’ve noticed that just before a comical journal entry about Blossom comes one that is heavy like this. I’m aware of that pattern.
This stems from a conversation with BD about being pleasantly disagreeable. It seems that the issue comes up often in life. Someone asks us how they look in their new dress and the expected answer is, “oh you look great!” but you’re really thinking, “You look like a circus clown reject.” My mother taught me to move around the original question and address a whole different subject like maybe a colour in the dress, its length or the earrings that go with the dress. I’d never respond to that question with: “I wish I’d known Cirque du Soleil was having a costume sale I would have picked up a squirting flower.” What I would say : “I really like the blue in that dress. I’ve always liked that colour.” See, I’ve responded but not directly and that is how you avoid hurting someone’s feeling when you really want to tell them to put on the clown shoes to perfect their costume. My mother trained me well; I can pick out the tiniest glimmer of attraction from a mass of animated swirls and warring kaleidoscopes. I’m good at the whole getting around the issue thing. This brings me to my newest challenge- addressing the issue head on while keeping the persons feelings from being hurt.
Sometimes a person should just know that they need to address a personal hygiene problem. There shouldn’t be a need for someone to take time out of their day to figure out how to best break to you that a certain part of your appearance needs grave attention. I should not have to say to my girlfriend, “Sweetie, can you shave that mustache a bit?” I shouldn’t have to say to Blossom, “Your mustache scratches me when I kiss you and that kind of freaks me out a bit can you shave it off?” But I also should not have to kiss a girl with a mustache. It’s not right! It’s just not right! I understand the whole post-menopausal hair growth thing, not personally but I understand the concept. (Blossom is 50) I know that it could very well happen to me so when I address the subject I have to think about how I would want to be approached if I needed to shave my upper lip ‘cause I was freaking out my partner. It’s just really hard to concentrate on anything other than the ‘stache on her face. I can’t see it, not really but I can feel it when I kiss her.
There should never be a time when a person becomes so comfortable with their mate that they stop doing things they normally would do like shave the upper lip or pluck the chin hairs. Again, this will happen to me someday. Okay, the chin hair is now but I swear I’ll pluck that thing in a heartbeat. I refuse to ever have anyone back away from me holding their face bleeding because they got poked with my one chin hair. I’m only 35 but I do have a single, just one, mono, uno, solitary chin hair. I PLUCK THAT MO-FO and I refuse to stop just because I’m comfortable with someone. Now how would she feel if I just let it grow wild? So, you can see my dilemma here (other than the obvious mental health dilemma).
Though a huge issue, the mustache appears to be her only hygiene issue at the moment. I just wonder how on earth someone would tell a partner/mate that they need to brush their teeth more often or that they should try a stronger deodorant. I mean dang, it would be so much easier if she asked me if I like that cowboy shirt she wears. I could point out the three pearl buttons on the cuffs or I could point out that she looks good in green. I could talk about how it fits her or a hundred other things but noooooo, it has to be something potentially humiliating that I have to actually address and not dance around. At least that’s what I use to think.
I decided to creatively tell her she needed to shave so when I kissed her I said she tasted sweet and asked her what she had just eaten. In order to not turn this entry graphic and make it a target for “controversial internet searches” I’ll have to put my next step delicately. Let’s see,….. I followed that kiss with a little more investigation and then repeated that there was something sweet there. She said, “It might be in my mustache.” OH, so you know it’s there?!!! Okay then! So you won’t be too upset when I gift wrap a Gillette or Mac 3 when it’s not even your birthday? All right, how about a membership to the hair removal club for women or a few trips to get that crap waxed off your face so I can kiss you without squirming inside. Maybe you can do this when you have a day off from Cirque du Soleil. Oh, hey, have a flower! Ha, gotcha, it squirts but it doesn’t stick me like your ‘stache.
How can she just leave it when she knows it there? Has she ever kissed a girl with a ‘stache before? Hell I haven’t until two days ago. Doesn’t she know how freaky that is? Why did she stop taking care of that? Is she now so comfortable with me that shaving her upper lip is no longer needed cause hey; it’s just Aussie she won’t care. Oh, I care…how I care! I care enough to figure out a way to break the news gently. I will not ever tell her that it freaks me out or I squirm and hope to get that kiss over with ASAP. I just want to tell her gently that she should take care of that without humiliating her. Why couldn’t this all just be about the cowboy shirt? I’m trained for those responses but this is totally out of my league.
Blossom my lips are sealed until you have shaven. Somehow I’ve found a new appreciation for that ugly cowboy shirt.
Joan of Arc (hairless chin at the moment)
Plead the 5th – Covertly Distraught – Saturday, September 23, 2006-5:01AM EST
Goodwill Bad Service Therapy Triggers-Friday, September 22, 2006-4:02AM EST
I walked into a thrift store today with Captain Crunch who was in his service jacket. This store is run by disabled people but the supervisors are not disabled. They call it the Goodwill Store. They train the disabled to work and help them go to school and all that. Well, it seems that this store prefers to have teenagers as supervisors and those teens must have top notch skills in rudeness and power trips. So, today this kid tells me I have to leave with my dog because I’m not blind. I was calm. I’ve been giving the same spiel for 6 years now. I explained that he is a service animal, blah, blah, blah then she said, but you are not blind so you will have to leave the store. She added, you’re making the customers uncomfortable because they know you’re not blind yet you have a dog. I said, listen, this store is to train the disabled and you’re telling me that you don’t know of any service animals other than dogs for the blind? I said, if you’re going to work here you need to know a bit about disabilities and service animals. I was hot because she kept on with “you’re not blind you’re going to have to leave.” I should have said, “You’re still in puberty you’ll have to grow up if you want to talk to me.” What I did say was, if you think people are uncomfortable now wait until I go off. OMG I hate having to act stupid in the store especially right after therapy! That wasn’t that great either.
The mother stuff was triggering to the point that I wanted to throw stuff at him. Morton was out for just a flash but for the most part Maureen was there. I think once we realized our level of anger it frightened us. We moved to the floor where Cap came over to us and tried to comfort us. We didn’t feel like talking so we signed to him to leave us alone. He moved over a bit like his feelings were hurt. The good thing is he knows there are times when its best that he just not try and do his job but leave us be. Dr. B asked why it was we felt like throwing stuff at him and what we could do to calm that anger down. I said, that’s why I’m sitting on the floor. It just feels safer on the floor. I am so happy we wore long sleeves today because we could cover our hands. It feels better that way too. After the session we went to Goodwill where that teenage with the personality defect told me I couldn’t have the dog because I’m not blind. I don’t have a seizure disorder but I started to fake a seizure just for the hell of it. I figured that would be going too far so I didn’t throw myself to the floor and jostle about. Besides, I found the perfect dress for a rag doll. It’s a sunflower dress with like 2 layers and britches plus ribbons for the hair. As bad as it sounds the doll that came with it doesn’t really strike my fancy because she’s of the lighter persuasion. I really like black rag dolls and that’s what I wanted but the dress was perfect so I snatched it up. Heck, it was two bucks and it’s not like the rag doll that came with it was ugly or anything she just isn’t brown like me/us. She’s on the back of the love seat right now. We can’t keep our eyes off that dress. It was only two dollars so heck yeah we snatched it up. Our digital cam died a few months back so I don’t have a pic but it’s really pretty.
Me
My replies and flaunting of my skill for run on sentences.
beautifuldreamer Says:
I’ve been known to use (clean) underwear before, when the filters run out. Try that next time you’ve no filters and don’t want to make the trek to the store!
Austin says:
Never may that happen! Here is a short list of alternatives to underwear coffee filters:
- Psychotherapy
- Electro-Convulsive Shock Therapy
- Starbucks
Beauty you scare me sometimes. It’s a good thing I know the real cyber you or I would think you might really need some help. Undies as a filter is wrong in so many ways, ways that wrong never imagined it could be. This is so wrong that I have tired myself to the point of needing to kick Captain out of his doggie bed so I can sleep and get up on time for my mental cleansing appointment.
Girl, you’re killing me! You are so fun!
I want my horse. You know what I’m talking about too! Give me my steed!
Joan of Arc, a little bit better off now that I’ve had coffee
Velvet Sacks Says:
I don’t drink coffee, but I’ll go out past my bedtime to make sure there’s Diet Coke in the house to drink when I first wake up. Caffeine by any other name is still caffeine; I just take mine carbonated.
Austin says:
You don’t drink coffee? Lord woman I had so much respect for you. Now you tell me this. I just don’t know what to think. Okay so you’re a good mother, your kids love you, you have good childhood mems and stories of your paw pals all typed out just so on your blog BUT you don’t drink coffee. I don’t know, this is a set back for us Sac.
Some idiot came out with turkey and dressing sodas. I think he should stop drinking. I doubt it was soda in the glass when he came up with salmon flavored soda. Yuck!
Keepers Says:
we love and need our coffee just as you do!! we drink it in the morning and the evening! it never keeps us up either. we understand the “panic” so you are not alone in that aspect!
Austin says:
Keepers, I can drink coffee day or night and still NOT sleep. I did find out that one can have a hang over after drinking espresso and then mountain dew. I really felt there should have been a warning label on the products telling unsuspecting consumers like myself that these two products should never be consumed in the same week let alone the same day in mass quantities. My heart could hardly take it but hey, I lived to warn others. It is now my other mission in life. My first is to stop coffee haters (who shall remain nameless.) Hatred is wrong in all forms. Love the bean!
J of A (on the wrong side of sanity)
False Sense of Security-Wednesday, September 20, 2006-3:44PM EST
I hope not to use a humor that masks the true panic I felt when searching for coffee filters this afternoon and finding none. There are certain things that have to be in this house to keep up my false sense of security and coffee ranks highest on my list of security “blankets”. Good Lord one might have thought I was looking for some crumb of crack that might have fallen to the ground when I took my last hit but no, I was looking for coffee filters with that kind of desperation. My goodness, then I felt stupid because it was like damn Austin it only takes a coffee-less house to make you fall apart? I have coffee, creamer and sugar but it means nothing without filters. I thought about using a napkin as I searched cabinets and other might be spots. I could feel my anxiety level rise so I stopped and took a deep breath, its coffee Austin, chill, we can walk across the street and get some filters that’s why God made 7-11.
Today is my day to read the book I Can’t Get Over It. That would certainly have been put on hold if I couldn’t have coffee while I read. Right now I’m listening to the comforting sound of hot air rising and bubbling out that java aroma. I think at this point in life I can do without menthol squares if I had to but not coffee. I still need that security blanket. I could have a house with nothing but half a saltine cracker and not panic but not having coffee scares the crap out of me. I can’t believe I had to kick into therapy coping skills because I couldn’t find the filters. Awhile ago I said I could walk through fire with a cup of java in my hand and I meant it. My world went blistering cold when I thought I didn’t have filters. Good lord what has my life come to?
An old therapist told me that the aroma of coffee acts much the same as the active ingredients in Prozac. I understood then why I can brew a pot and never drink any yet still feel that security blanket drape across me. I knew that hot tea or cocoa didn’t do the same for me, it was coffee I needed to help me calm down and ground myself. When therapist K* told me about this special effect with coffee it all made so much sense. The aroma is what gives me that security feeling not necessarily consuming it. That’s pretty wild.
- Coffee
- Token
Menthol Cigarettes
Some things change, others don’t. I still need coffee and the token in my coping skills cache. It just makes me sad that I panicked like that.
Austin
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