Nice People Make Me Suspicious

Nice People Make Me Suspicious-Monday, October 30, 2006-2:01AM EST

Well, not all nice people just people that usually aren’t very nice but suddenly they’re saying thank you and asking you how you’re doing, ya know social and mannerly things like that. The other day Barney (roommate/landlord) said thank you to me. He came in the house and said, “Thanks for turning on the porch light so I could see to put the key in the door.” I replied, “Did I forget to turn on the light?” I thought he was being passive aggressive but he said, “No, really, thank you.” I was floored because this is the first time I’ve ever heard that man say thank you to me or anyone at all for that matter. He is usually in his own little world which is void of basic couth known to the reasonable man. So yeah, I was shocked.

I was really shocked Friday evening when he asked if I wanted to go to my personal favorite Chinese buffet. It’s the cheapest I’ve ever been to ($3.99 all day) and the best I’ve been to. As far as authenticity goes they’ve got a strong case. You know when you see them eating their own food and see other Asian-Americans eating at the Chinese restaurant the food is either authentic or as close as you’ll get in the Midwestern states. Today at the restaurant we could have held a United Nations meeting. We had three guys from Libya, a Native American man, Cambodians, and different Latin groups. Add to those the basic white American and black Americans and you’ve got yourself a serious representation. But wait, when the Middle Eastern family of 8 showed up we knew everyone was pretty much represented in that very small ill-lit and under decorated restaurant. I frequent that fine establishment quite often, often enough for the under-aged worker to say, “Austin, have you lost weight?” I think she just wanted a bigger tip.

Okay so back to Barney. Not only did he pay for the meal but he held a decent conversation with me. It wasn’t like pulling teeth either. He initiated conversation which also kinda blew me away. The man talked about his feelings. Dear Lord the world has come to an end. I thought to myself, who are you and what have you done with Barney? That thought was followed by, whatever you’ve done with him keep him and you stay in his place. So, to throw me further into the depths of suspicion Saturday the man brought home for me cupcakes with…get this…dairy free icing. Okay now, what’s up!!! What is wrong with you? Are these laced with arsenic? Are you about to ask me to move? Have you committed some huge crime and now you’re about to go to prison and you want me to stay and take care of your  plants …plant? What’s up!!!! I thought it but I said no such thing. I thanked him and ate my chocolate-like cupcake with dairy free icing.

The second person who made me suspicious is my neighbor’s husband. We’ll just call him AH. He is usually a major a-hole. He bad mouths UK something terrible. He’s really just a professional jackass. It seems to only be in his DNA strand because his mom and dad are nice and so are his brothers and his cousins. Whatever happened to AH really made him a bitter man UNTIL the other day. He called me to mess with me. I was quite shocked and felt privileged that he called me of all people to tell me I was a dumb ass for saying that his Halloween lights were Christmas lights. The man doesn’t call anyone or joke with anyone. I was shocked.

I thought I was privileged then but I’ve moved right into suspicion. Tonight when I was leaving to come back home AH waved goodbye and said, “Have a good night, take care.” Who are you and what have you done with AH? What do you want? Are you going to prison and you want me to take care of your kids while your wife picks up a third job? I slowly closed the door behind me and while I wanted to keep looking over my shoulder I didn’t. I just prayed he wasn’t going to come out of nowhere and choke the life out of me for having the nerve to wear my shoes on his brand new carpet. He never did.

Maybe something is in the water, I don’t know. Whatever this new form of pollution is I hope it continues to make rude people polite as well as thoughtful and mean people laugh and socialize. I hope the two keep drinking it, in massive quantities I hope they keep drinking it. I can’t take care of Barney’s plant, I’ll just kill it. I can’t take care of AH & UK’s kids, I’ll just kill ‘em. Little bit (now 16) and Booger (8) are bad kids. They should drink the water too.

Joan of Arc