Monthly Archive for October, 2006

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The Perfect Catch Your Breath Vacation

Published on October 23, 2006 in For the Record. 3 Comments

The Perfect Vacation- Monday, October 23, 2006-6:33PM

I have fallen in love with this apartment all over again. My little vacation was wonderful. I sat in front of the fire for nearly a day but then I traveled to Malan via Google Earth then over to see information on Darfur in the Sudan. I saw something on 60 Minutes about it and thought it might be a good thing to go over there and check it out. The man on TV was right, the reason it’s allowed to happen is because it’s too hard to hear about and the US has something to gain by looking the other way. So, after a lesson in repeated history my appetite for meatball lasagna was lost. I sat in front of the fireplace silently.

When I first moved here I would lie in bed and smile to myself. I would listen to the silence and think of how peaceful it is here. I felt that this week end only I was on my little pallet on the floor thinking about Pleaties (aka The 7 Sisters) and how clearly I got to see it that night. For some reason people like that cluster. I think it looks like every other cluster but then that’s just my opinion. I first heard of it from Blossom and when she showed it to me I guess I was supposed to see something spectacular but to me it was just as beautiful, no more, no less than the other stars. Nonetheless, I learned how to spot it and that was pretty cool. Barney has a telescope too. I’ve been collecting the bright leaves that have fallen. Sometimes they catch my eye, one that stands out from the others either because of how bright it is or because of how dull it is amongst the bright ones. I’ve pressed them and will preserve them shortly. I’m looking forward to it.

I hardly watched any TV at all. I stood up my secret Latin Lover Antonio Banderas so I could work on a new painting. Antonio will always be there later, he waits for me ya know, waits with that black mask and cape. Yummy! I think I may have had one cup of coffee this week end but I did get to arrange my little coffee bar the way I want it. I’m now equipped with Vanilla, Raspberry, Hazelnut and Amoretto syrup for my coffee as well Irish Cream and then makings for mock mocha. I’ve also got cinnamon and caramel to additions. Some people dream of having their own open bar at home, I’ve always wanted a coffee spot in my home. Well, I have one and I take very good care of it and stock it well. I get the syrup on sale for like $2 a bottle. When I see it that cheap I snatch it up. Then I’ve got a few selections of tea but mostly the little bar is for coffee. Ah and my mug collection is displayed picture perfect the appearance is that of a little coffee shop that charges way too much for way too little. I only have a 4 cup Mr. Coffee but he does his job, he’s loyal and all so I can’t complain. Well, I mean I could but I won’t.

So, my little vacation has come to an end. I’ll start back to reading the book I Can’t Get Over It on Tuesday. I had to switch days because it just wasn’t getting done on Wednesday. It’s dinner time. I’ve got meatball lasagna waiting for me.

That is all for now,

Alley

Therapy Vacation

Published on October 20, 2006 in For the Record. 8 Comments

I am taking a short vacation from issues. I’m not doing any kind of therapy this week end, nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch. I have a small dinner party that I’m hosting this evening and then on Saturday I’ll be going out to get my fireplace a screen so I can have it ready for our first snow on Sunday. I plan to sit my fat butt in the lazy boy chair & drink coffee and read some of the books I got for a quarter at goodwill. Heck I might even do a movie marathon. I could stand to see my Latin Lover Antonio Bendaris again. You know, he and I have been seeing each other for awhile, Blossom never knew and neither did Antonio’s wife. Why won’t she die??? I have never seen anybody dodge bullets like that. Man that woman can run. Anyway, so I’ll be sitting in my chair with my pooch at my feet, a cat on each side of me….Lord, I sound like one of those people that has like 20 cats and fity that’s right fity (50) dogs and the house smells like pee. Oh lets hope not. so, this week end is nothing but lounging and all that. No therapy assignments, no deep conversations only shallow talk, gossip and such. I am on a therapy vacation.

Sleeping With Peanut Butter Sandwiches

Published on October 19, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder and For the Record. 7 Comments

Let Sleeping Dog’s Lie- The Joys of DID-Thursday, October 19, 2006-6:35AM

 

Some things are best left alone. If you ask a question ya better be prepared for the answer. As they say, sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie or like my grandpappy use to say, don’t start none wont be none. Okay, it wasn’t my grandfather but you get the point, it’s an old saying. Anyway, so today when I discovered leaves in my underclothes I didn’t even ask how they got there. I just did my business, washed my hands and left. I let sleeping dogs lie.

Recently there has been some pillow vandalism. It appears some one who likes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches drips the jelly while in “bed”. They leave behind this bit of evidence but so far no one has copped to the pillow vandalism. I do not know if this is the same alter/vandal that left the chocolate stain on our pillow or the same alter that ate crackers and left them under the covers for me to lay on. I’m just not sure. As much pain as there is with DID there is also humor. When I found those leaves in my undies I laughed! It’s a small thing compared to all the other crap we deal with. Leaves in my underclothes do not even make the list when it comes to my concerns.

Yes, the middles kids/alters eat peanut butter in bed; some of the teens seem to like chocolate so it gets dropped on the pillow case too. Some people wake up with sleep in their eyes but I wake up with chocolate in mine. It seems we all like to eat at night but we can’t stay awake long enough to finish it. It gets dropped, rolled on, smashed then discovered by Captain in the morning. My goodness, it’s a good thing people can’t see what goes on in this house. They’d come and take us all away. I live in a mad house. Sometimes when things get too much to handle I have to remember times like these when my mad house turns into a fun house. The three of my fur babies with the swarm of me makes for one interesting evening.

Joan

Don’t start none, won’t be none – Grandpappy (c) 1975 

 

Stupid Spammers

Published on October 18, 2006 in Stupid People. 3 Comments

This guy just sent me a spam comment on the journal for a controlled substance used for male enhancement. He ended the comment by saying, “you can trust me.”

Is he kidding? :-) Yeah, I trust drug dealers as much as I trust Bush to bring peace in Iraq. I trust drug dealers as much as I trust that China is going to impose sanctions properly on N. Korea. I trust them as much as I trust Big Oil to do right by the little man.

At least this guy was “only” trying to sell me drugs and not trying to get me to go to some Swedish-like hospital (that means some blond guy in the basement of a warehouse) for penile surgical enhancement. Spammers don’t check the gender of their victims. They’re just spaming at will.

I have to say, some are getting smarter. It’s hard to tell if someone is leaving a spam comment or not. I’ve had the same man try and send a spam comment on my journal. His auto generated spam links back to “controversial” images. It wasn’t like his name didn’t reveal to me his real intentions I mean come on dude! Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky….just not sneaky enough. You sent me the exact same spam comment twice, no differences at all. Then another one a day later as if I wouldn’t notice the same vulgar site link.

He clearly didn’t look at the subject of this journal or he may not have left his “controversial” name and matching site. I hope it was an oversight but one never knows. There are some stupid people out there and they all seem to flock to me!

Austin

Therapy Assignment: Questionnaire for Criterion F

Published on October 18, 2006 in Abuse, Female Sadist, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments Tags: .

Therapy Assignment: Questionnaire for Criterion F
I Can’t Get Over It by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006- 9:28PM EST
Feelings While Reading

Starting safety level – a bit overwhelmed, rocking, but still encouraged. 6 anxiety rate, 0 self injury, 0 suicidal ideations.
Ending safety level- about the same with a bit of depression, like maybe I’m wasting my time. I would classify that as discouragement. 8 anxiety rate, 0 self injury, 0 suicidal ideations.

___________________

Instructions are to review the number of PTSD symptoms I recorded in criterion A thru F then answer the following questions.

Criterion A: How many traumas have you experienced? 4 out of
Have you ever lived in a refugee or concentration camp or been tortured?
Were you ever sexually or physically assaulted, either by a stranger, a group of strangers, a family member, or anyone else?
As a child, were you physically maltreated with excessive beatings or spankings? Were a parent’s or caretakers disciplinary measures sadistic?
Have you ever been kidnaped, abducted, raped, burglarized, robbed or mugged?

Criterion B: Only one form of re-experiencing is necessary to meet the criteria for PTSD. In how many ways do you re-experience the trauma? How much is that in excess of the required number? I have 5 out of 7 from this section.

  • I have persistent and intrusive thoughts of the traumatic event. Even when I’m not trying to think about it I can’t get it out of my head.
  • I have nightmares.
  • I also have nightmares that are not about the abuse but include people and places involved in the abuse. When I wake up I feel just as empty and broken as I did back then. I try not to get in the fetal position because I know very well that never helps.
  • I find myself feeling like I’m back in that trauma. Sometimes I can actually feel my mother hitting me.
  • I become dissociative or, fearful or angry when I see or think I will see people from the past. These same things happen when I’m close to an area where something happened or when something reminds me of the past.

Criterion C: Two forms of re-experiencing is necessary to meet the criteria for PTSD. How any of the questions did you answer yes to? How much is that in excess of the required number? 4 out of 6

After surviving the mother there have been times I’ve felt emotionally dead or numb. There are times when I have to force myself to not be cold when tragic things happen in the lives of friends. I have to force myself to feel quite often. It seems that they just turn off and I have to work really hard to bring them up.

Have you tried not to talk about the event or avoided thoughts or feelings associated with it?
Yes. Humiliation is a nasty little bugger and that is what I feel when I think about the abuse or when I talk about the abuse.

I feel alienated and apart from others. I feel like a fake most of the time, like people see me one way but they have no idea that things are rough in my head. I make either a bad first impression or a bigger than life impression. Either way it’s not like I’m staying around long for fear they’ll find out that something about me just isn’t right. When I hear people talk about their family situations, if it’s good I can not relate. I feel nothing. I can’t even picture it. I do not feel a connection to happy people. I feel odd, noticeably unclean, much more so than others. Yeah, I’d say I feel alienated.

I have lost interest in things I use to love. This especially happens when flashbacks are stronger than usual. I went for so long without baking a loaf of bread. I went even longer without cooking a meal. My microwave and I got to know each other very well. I lose my appetite or I binge depending on if I want to punish myself or deprive myself. I brushed the dog because it needed to be done. I didn’t feel the same relaxed almost spiritual feeling as before. I worried he could tell the difference. I force myself to feel connected to him. When I can’t I stop because I don’t want to put cold hands on my dog.

Criterion D: Three hyperarousal symptoms are necessary to sonstitute PTSD. .. Yada, yada, yada, etc… Answer yes to experiences that occurred after the trauma.
I thought I only had 2 out of 5 until I read further and they explained what some of this means. So the accurate count is 4 out of 5.

  • Difficulty sleeping

Insomnia is a big issue with me as is putting off sleep so I don’t have to dream. I also seem to wake right up. My body almost jerks me awake as if I’ve let my guard down and I should be more careful, like a warning of some kind..wake up, you let your guard down stupid!.

  • Irritability or outbursts of anger

It feels like a wave that comes over me. I’m angry for no reason at all. I’ve thrown things from time to time and that really scared the crap out of me. I’m irritated with people for no reason at all. I sometimes have to keep myself from yelling at people. I dog them out on my journal then approach them calmly. If I didn’t use the journal that way I’d end up cutting people to pieces with my tongue. Sometimes it feels warranted but most times the anger isn’t equal to the offense.

  • Exaggerated startle response (jumping or otherwise overreacting to noises or the sudden appearance of a person).

It is always so embarrassing when this happens. It happens out in public but mostly at home. Once I’ve been startled I try and be conscious of it but it seems to just make matters worse. I’m even more jumpy than before.

  • Hypervigilance or overprotectiveness toward oneself and others.

I did not realize that sitting close to the door or not ever sitting with my back to the room was considered hypervigilance. I actually don’t sit close to the door. I’m the opposite. I sit away from it. If someone comes in the people in front of gettin’ it first. The assailant has people to go through before he/she gets to me. In that time I may be able to make my escape. It’s an odd reasoning but it doesn’t stop me from choosing a table in the back of the restaurant. Not so far that it’s clear I’m away from everyone but far enough to see everyone and feel safer. At home I don’t sit with my back to the room. My favorite chair is in a far corner. I can see into two different areas of the house from that seat including two entry ways.

  • How long have you been experiencing PTSD symptoms?

I don’t remember when they started.

Criterion F: In what ways have your PTSD symptoms or other reactions to the trauma affected your ability to work, relate to people, or to live your life?

This question will have to wait until tomorrow. This may be the very last question in this assignment but I’m done for the night. This is somehow the hardest question of all.

Austin

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Changing for the Better

Published on October 17, 2006 in Art and Dreams. 3 Comments

Dreams and Issues Changing for the Better-Tuesday, October 17, 2006- 6PM EST

copyright 2006 @ S.G. all rights reservedA little girl in the dream had been punished for some minor infraction. The mother went overboard as usual but she didn’t beat her or anything like that. The little girl came to me to tell me what my mother had done. I went to my mother and asked her what happened. She told me and explained why she spanked the child. I asked the little girl to step away while I talked to the mother and she did. I told my mother that her punishment seemed a bit harsh for such a minor mistake. She disagreed. I said, you couldn’t have simply explained to her why she shouldn’t do that or maybe had her sit down for awhile or explain to you why she did what she did? The mother said no she thought she did right. I told her she went overboard and that it wasn’t right. At that point the little girl walked back up to me and the mother. The mother started telling the little girl that she did what she had to do to make her understand. I told the mother she was wrong and that her forms of punishment are wrong. The little girl and I walked away. There was never a voice raised. Never a hand lifted between the mother and myself. I simply told her she was wrong by challenging her methods and motives. It was quite a powerful dream.

Austin

Good Cheap Eats

Published on October 17, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments

I first heard the acronym EOM from Ordinary Janet. I think that term is funny. Boy do I know about end of the month meals (EOMs) are things you toss together and hope something eatable will come out of it. When I just don’t feel like cooking a real meal I throw together what looks like an EOM. The other night I made split pea soup in the crock pot. It was pretty good.

I put together stuff like this all the time, stuff like adding chicken bits and cream of celery soup to great northern beans. I’ve even been guilty of taking a box of (I did say box) of jambalaya, add 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper and sliced smoked sausage and had the nerve to serve it to friends. They thought it was great but I knew I paid 69 cents for that box that just fed 4 people. I got the smoked sausage from the food pantry and I had the cayenne pepper at home. Now that’s a good cheap eat! You don’t have to wait until the end of the month to make an EOM. And, you could trick friends into thinking you spent hours making them a wonderful meal.

Slow Cooker Split Pea Soup Recipe

Feel free to cut this recipe in half for two servings with no leftovers.
1 (16 oz.) pkg. dried green split peas, rinsed
1 meaty hambone or 2 cups diced ham
1/2 cup soup starter (frozen and diced onion, celery, peppers)
1 or 2 cloves of garlic, minced or 2 tsp of garlic powder
1 bay leaf
¼ tea spoon of rubbed sage
1 quart water plus one cup
1 cup chicken stock

I simply poured the bag of peas in the pot, added spices then the diced veggies, water and finally the chicken stock. I think it took 2 hours to cook. I personally like a thicker soup than it made so I ended up whipping together a roux.

Basic Roux

Roux = a mixture of flour and fat cooked together and used as a thickening agent.
 Simply remember equal ratio and you’ll be okay (for the most part). 2 tablespoons of butter and 2 tablespoons of basic flour. Heat the butter then skim the white froth off the top. This is called clarifying the butter. Then add the flour slowing, mixing the entire time. Let the roux get just a little brown, remove from the pan and viola there’s your roux.
 I added the roux at the end because I realized the soup was too thin for my taste. You treat a roux the same as you would corn starch. Never just toss it in the pan and expect anything less than lumps. Gradually heat the mixture just a little at a time by alternating between the hot soup and the roux, mix a bit of soup, a bit of roux; mix until all the roux has been used. Now you can toss it in the soup. With split pea soup you do not want to stir a lot because you’ll end up with split pea puree and that’s just nasty.

Since my web cam croaked I wasn’t able to take a pic, sorry.
Thank you for visiting Austin’s Cheap Eats

Bon Appétit
Good Cheap Eats
Monday, October 16, 2006 12:23 AM