Monthly Archive for November, 2006

Don’t Eat The Charmin

Published on November 30, 2006 in Mental Health and Relationships. 4 Comments

Thursday, November 30, 2006-6:03PM

I see Dr. P tomorrow, my general practitioner. He fit me in so I get to see him tomorrow afternoon. I’m angry about that but not because he too is leaving but because I really think there is more that can be done for the Lupus than he’s doing. I’m no longer pleased with the wait and see attitude. Losing my hair isn’t a wait and see issue. I don’t want to talk about that. I’ve got to get myself in a space to go eat pizza. Thank goodness I still have some lactaide or I’d be suffrin’ later this evening. I already have to conserve on the restroom tissue. When Blossom comes over I hide the Charmin and put out the John Wayne restroom tissue. The kind of restroom tissue that’s rough and tough and don’t take shit of nobody. I swear that girl’s butt has teeth. She can go through some restroom tissue! So I put out the cheap stuff and save the Charmin for me. How on earth can someone use that much restroom tissue? It’s not right. I either have no butt teeth or fewer, either way her butt has the munchies cause she goes through it like a pot head goes through a bag of cheetos. Chomp, chomp!
No baby, not the Charmin don’t squeeze eat the Charmin. It’s wrong is all, it’s just wrong.

My barely tolerable relationship with my roommate came to a braking point. It seems that despite the fact that we should have snow later this evening he doesn’t feel the need to turn on the heat. I told him two weeks ago that if he doesn’t feel the need to heat the place then I’ll take it upon myself to buy two small heaters so that I’m not sitting back here with arthritic knees hurting like the dickens. Two weeks ago we talked about the heat situation with no changes. So I left him a message on his machine telling him that on the third my rent check will be short because I intend to buy 2 heaters. I told him I’d give him a copy of the receipts.

Blossom is on her way over and we’re going for pizza. I have to remember who I’m angry with. I also have to remember that my anger and irritation levels have increased since Dr. B is leaving and that it’s neither him, Jackass Barney, Blossom or any other person that I’ve seen recently. My anger is generalized as is my anxiety; only that general anxiety is what has me taking the full 1mg of clonapin three times a day instead of the ½ milligram twice a day that I was taking. I want to rock, I do. I try not to because I know very well it only increases dissociation. The whole Dr. B thing isn’t as devastating as it was yesterday. I feel a bit better about it. The anger I’m feeling I think is left over from when I was furious and suicidal and just messed up in general the last week or longer. I just can’t seem to get myself together. Sometimes I wish for to be numb again. That would be such a loss though…a truly devastating loss.

 

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No Idle Hands Allowed

Published on November 30, 2006 in Art, Mental Health and Therapy. 3 Comments

Above The OddsDespite bad news I’d say I’m handling it reasonably well. I have a few times when I just crash but I’ve tried to stay busy, even going to my neighbor UK’s house to see if I could help her with household chores. Captain probably never wants to go on another walk again. I walked him twice yesterday and twice today. We’ve been in the yard to play around as well as sat together on the porch fighting over who should get the top step. Cap won but he cheated. He slobbered on me. When I got up in disgust he stole the top step. I think that was his plan, gross Mama out and take the top step. He’s a slobber machine sometimes but usually that’s only when it benefits him. :-)

Continue reading ‘No Idle Hands Allowed’

To DrB about leaving updated

Published on November 28, 2006 in Mental Health and Therapy. 1 Comment

Dr B
After reading over this here note to you I recognized some behaviors that I’m not really proud of along with some not so negative stuff. I figured there was enough emotional upheaval in this that a disclaimer might be needed. Here is what you can expect to see– a bunch of jumbled thoughts-a little bit in the victim mode at first, some aggression disguised as humor and then finally a lucid thought to end this here note to you. Goodness, if you wondered what my thought process is like well here is an unedited example of it.

—–

It threw me for a loop
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006

Did I get you fired or something? The secretary person had me scheduled to see you more often than the policy allowed. She liked my dog and said she’d make sure I got in. Did you get in trouble for that and get fired?

Did I do something? I can’t help but think I did something and then part of me is like, what on earth could I have done to make him just simply go away. Maybe he’s lying and he’s not leaving he just doesn’t want to see me anymore like I thought from early on. Then comes the question, did he know this last week when I sat across from him? Did he sit there like everything was okay and like he wasn’t about to quit? If so, damn that’s low, to let me think everything was okay, to let me stay comfortable and then smack me dead in the face with “I won’t be seeing patients anymore.” What kind of crap is that?

I even got cocky for a bit. I bragged left and right, I finally found a good therapist, somebody that might be able to actually help. Lord! Guess who feels stupid now?

Why would I want to make your leaving all about me? What if it has to do with you going back to school or something? Why on earth would a PhD go back to school? I have no clue but there could be something else you want to do.

This girl asked me why it is that I go to therapy. She said that I just seem to get messed up afterwards. I told her that I believe I’d be even more of a mess had I not spent so much time in therapy. Sometimes people are of the opinion that after so long you should just kinda let it go and move on with life. Heck, if I thought I could let it go I’d have let it go a very long time ago. So, even though you’re off to wherever I still have to keep moving. It pisses me off that I’ve got two weeks to get right with this in my head. Part of me wants to scream at you for calling a mere two hours before the official letter got here telling me you’re leaving. I would not have taken that well had the letter gotten here before your skin of the teeth phone call.

Well, whomever you refer me to please make sure that he or she isn’t about to make a career change anytime soon okay? And as I’ve said before, I don’t need anyone that specializes in DID. I just need someone good, someone who knows what they’re doing with PTSD (and some borderline symptoms from time to time) and someone who isn’t about to have a career change. I think I might have already said that though, about the career change I mean.

Last week you said I could call you names if I wanted to. Today there were only a few unhealthy statements wishing you a slow, painful untimely earthly departure but that only lasted a few hours. If there are more anger issues to deal with such as ranting and raving, name calling, throwing things, scaring my roommate or yelling at the top of my lungs until the dog hides under the bed in fear then I’ll deal with that chemically. I’m kidding. You know I don’t do that. I just have to toss that in from time to time. Really though, we may be pissed, thrown, reeling and somewhat distraught over this but I don’t plan on wasting my last two sessions balling you out or going into abandonment issues and what not. We have exit stuff to do and I just want to make sure you can find someone to refer me to within the time frame you’ve stated. That is priority on my list, finding somewhere to go worth going. Second on the list is not internalizing this whole “by the way I’m leaving” thing.

See you on the fifth
Me

It threw me for a loop
Wednesday, November 29, 2006-1:25PM EST

Last night Blossom and I talked about finally getting someone I thought could help. She seems to be a bit more devastated than I am which caused me to kick into my special skill of intellectualizing this whole thing. I’m not pleased that you’re leaving but I think one good thing about this is my resolve to find someone who really can help. I guess I’m just happy that I finally got a renewed sense of hope that someone can actually help. As you know my history with therapists hasn’t been that great. I’ve gotten some real psychos but I’ve also had several really good experiences. Only in this case can I say the good has outweighed the bad. I’ve had enough good therapists to counter the bad ones. Sometimes the bad ones make people want to toss out the whole idea of going to therapy. I feel for them because healing means too much to toss out this option “just because” many social workers have major issues of their own. I was just thinking, sometimes people ask how a therapist with problems could help another person with problems. I wonder if they ever stop to think that everyone they come in contact with has some issue or another and their ability to assist in life issues isn’t always diminished because of their personal problems. A therapist is never a friend but when people think of who they talk to about their troubles they often go to a friend. Do they discount that person automatically because that friend has some issues going on in their life or is this thought only “valid” when it comes to doctors. This isn’t to say you’ve having some crisis or something, it’s just a thought that popped into my head about psychiatry bashing.

So, anyway, we do hope you can refer us to someone that may be able to help even for a little while. We figure we will see this as a snag and not as the rug being pulled from under our feet. We’re also not going to try and second guess why you’d stop working for this company. It’s not really any of my business and without information that you ethically can not and should not give me I can only draw incorrect conclusions. I won’t even try to put together any sort of theories or figure out if I’ve done something wrong. I figure I’ll just see it as it is, a change of plans. We intend to continue with the book you had us read. We intend to continue to file them on the journal as therapy assignements but we also intend to only read when we feel safe enough to do so.

Thanks for everything Dr. B
later tater,
Austin

Just Wonderful

Published on November 28, 2006 in Mental Health and Therapy. 2 Comments

Although I knew I wouldnt get to see him forever I was hoping to see him longer than this. I got a call from him today saying that he will no longer be working at that office as of the 15th of next month. I see him on the 5th, which is my last appointment with him. He said he would try to get me in twice before he leaves so we can talk about getting another psychologist. He won’t be seeing patients. I don’t know why but okay, whatever. I’m just happy he called to let me know this ahead of time. When he called he asked how I was doing. I said, “That depends on why you’re calling.” I could tell by the tone of his voice he had some bad news. He gave me a nervous half chuckle and told me he’s leaving.

Well, that is doctor number two that’s leaving. My GP is leaving in January and no longer accepts my insurance. He accepts the Medicare part but not Medicade. That would leave me with mega bills so right now we’re in between GP’s. I can’t even get in to see him because of his schedule. The physical therapy situation is a mess. Great! Just great!  I’ll be crawling under a rock now. Suddenly I have no appetite for lunch. I was supposed to leave first, that’s the issue, I was suppose to leave him not the other way around, Dr. B I mean.

Austin

What Kinda Dream Was That?

Published on November 28, 2006 in Dreams, Mental Health and Therapy. 0 Comments

My dreams have been odd for the last few days. Last night included fire, President Nixon using President Ford’s name, my grandfather separated from my grandmother and got two very ugly cats, a family went door to door selling books with no covers and proclaiming that $112 million a year was wasted on book covers alone. They advocated for coverless books worldwide. A detective’s show was mixed in with this book mess. Three detectives came looking to figure out who killed a girl selling coverless books. She had been pushed from atop a high rise ghetto building. It ended up being the mother from Family Ties who killed the girl, Meredith Baxter Bernie.

It seems in the same dream sequence my mother knew that a family would lose the mother and father plus the youngest son in a horrible fiery car crash. The mother, father and son were hugging their oldest son (about 8 yrs old) telling him they’d be back in a bit. They were going to the store and he was to stay with my mother and me and mind his manners until they returned. I asked my mother why we couldn’t tell the family not to go if we knew that they were going to die like that. She said we couldn’t interrupt the natural course of things because we’d change the future in ways unknown to us. We had to let them go.

They walked out of the door and got in the car. Before it could even start the car caught fire. Instead of them just getting out of the car they started unpacking their belongings. They got the DVD player out of the car, got a few items of clothing they wanted and some other things. They left the boy in the car. Just as the mother walked kinda half concerned about the whole issue the car blew up. It went into a huge fiery ball that she happened to walk right out of. The next thing you know the mother and I are watching the two sit with their ash covered backs to us among freshly fallen snow. Things just got crazier from there. I was transported back to my grandfather’s house where I watched the mother and father sit in the snow on two huge rocks. I gathered blankets to bring to them but when I got out there it wasn’t them at all it was two little dogs, one grey and one black. They were chained to the rocks and viciously barking at me. As I turned to go away I noticed a third dog that had died in the fire, a cocker spaniel. The child they left in the car to die had actually turned into a dog and it was the dog that died in the fire. It appeared that a fire ball got him and burned him right in place, right in mid flight position. He looked like a charred statue. Then there were all these pictures of dead bear cubs laying around it, all smeared with dirty snow and ash. Some had drowned and others were simply limp but you couldn’t tell how they died. There was one cut per photo, never two dead cubs or more, just one per photo. There is only one where the cubs head was under water and you couldn’t see anything but his body. The rest you could see the entire dead boy. That was dream number one. (No, I didn’t eat anything spicy before I went to bed.)

Dream number two:

A half Spanish half Asian woman wanted to be set free for a crime she said she committed because she had allergies. She said she should have been told she had allergies and maybe the crime wouldn’t have been committed because she could have gotten on Claritin to prevent it. Long story short, there was a drawn out court case with a Chinese rouge judge. It seems that the judge knew the defendant personally and failed to bring up that that the defendant was Deaf leaving room for a mistrial. The other half of the court session was in Chinese Sign Language. I had to translate for everyone (as if I know CSL or something).

Needless to say I didn’t get much sleep last night. I got up 3 times and stayed up around 6am. Although the dream about Spanish-Asian woman seems odd something about it stands out to me. She wanted to find any old excuse for her actions and she didn’t want to be responsible but wanted to blame everything on someone else’s failings.

The family that left their baby in the car to die because they cared more about their belongings than their child, well, all I can say about that is …well, actually, I don’t have anything at all to say about that.

It’s lunch time.

Austin

What Kinda Dream Was That?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006-11:58AM EST

Gigantic Baby Germs

Published on November 27, 2006 in For the Record and Mental Health. 1 Comment

Obsessive Compulsive Thoughts-
Monday, November 27, 2006- 3:28 PM EST

 

OMG a baby! A germ filled baby is in my house. It would be so wrong to go out and start spraying Lysol everywhere. Barney has company right now and that company includes a baby that just sneezed. Why! Why did she bring a baby with her? Dang it! I am resisting the urge to self medicate AND to go out and disinfect the entire house. He’s gonna touch stuff, drip snot here and there all in my house.

The really sad thing is everything paused, it was one of those slow motion type pauses. I was listening to him scream his head off, thinking of all the snot he could be leaving here and there then it happened. He sneezed. My mind went right for the linen closet where the Lysol is always ready for me to reach. I could see in my minds eye this woman bouncing the boy and germs flying hither and thither. I call out “nooooooooooooo”. It was all in this slow motion madness. When I realized I was about to reach for the Lysol I thought to myself, Aussie, you are one sick puppy. I was worried about baby germs, ready to run for the closet. Then, I heard the magic words, “Well, lets go.” Just as I was about to ruin the barely tolerable relationship I have with my roommate his company has decided to leave. Baby Germs and mom are about to leave so I don’t have to go out there and spray that baby. That really would have made things uncomfortable around here for me. Barney would not have appreciated me disinfecting his company. I thought it had all ended when the mom said, “See you later, we’ll be back over.” OMG a baby! Why am I being tortured? What have I done to deserve this?

Aussie

(rocking back and forth, mumbles..why God why? What have I done to offend thee?)

Gratitude Monday

Published on November 27, 2006 in Art, Gratitude Journal and Pets. 1 Comment

Gratitude Monday
Monday, November 27, 2006-3:01AM EST

 

  1. I had a really nice week end
  2. I finally got to eat a mushroom sandwich
  3. Lactose free ice cream (Vanilla Almond Bark)
  4. Self control
  5. I prayed my first prayer in about a year
  6. Silly horror shows like Darkness Falls and its killer tooth fairy
  7. Silence
  8. Smiles
  9. Good conversation
  10. Bella’s humor

click to see comments about this pieceI bought marshmallows to roast but as usual they were eaten raw. I love those things. Well, I had the nerve to walk away from one and Bell decided it would be fun to snatch it and run. So, off goes Bella running with a big white puff in her mouth. When I got it back she looked at me as if I’d just stolen her fresh kill. She was literally bouncing off the walls this week end. She ran and jumped then did a half flip right off the wall in the hallway. I figure this is why drugs like Ritalin were created, for hyperactive kids cats. She makes me smile a lot and I like her neediness because it lets me step outside of myself and focus on her and the other two stooges. They are all three too sweet for their own good.

Austin