The People Behind My Eyes

Curse of The Hot Pink Brazier
Monday, November 20, 2006-2:44 AM

I am not a superstitious person but every time I put on that hot pink bra something happens. Let me start from the beginning. Finding a good sling for the “girls” is a difficult task when you’re a big girl with extra “gifts” in the upper torso area. I thought I was the luckiest big girl in the world when I found 6 count ‘em 6 bras for $35 on eBay. That very low cost included shipping and handling. Little did I know the hot pink one would be the bane of my existence. Little did I know I’d fear to turn my back on anyone or anything while wearing it. This rhinestone studded bra was the star in my show of humiliation when I spilled coffee on a white shirt I wore to therapy. So I don’t have to go into that whole story again I’ll just link to it here. I’ll just say that after trying to wash coffee off of a white shirt I was left exposing Big Pink but only on one side mind you. One half of my shirt showed the bra with its studs just a-standin’ out and the other side was dry and concealed my other “girl.” That was the beginning of my bad luck streak with this bra.

I was wearing that thing when I had a fire place malfunction and filled the house with smoke ruining my ambiance and setting off all the fire alarms. The day Blossom hit me with her car I was wearing said bra. I was probably wearing the bra when I got my first sinus infection ever a few weeks back and I probably had it on the day our good friend teenage pizza chef decided to make smores with pizza dough. That was so wrong, chocolate, graham crackers, marshmallows and PIZZA DOUGH. It was the bra that made him do it. I just know it.

Included in my struggles for release from the hot pink curse is the appearance of the three eyed monster. It seems that the girls like to roam and come up out of the cups, which are now too large due to weight loss. So, I walk around looking like I have three tits because one likes to kind of bulge out of the cup just half way. So there I walk around the street with three girls looking just as silly as can be. God forbid I should spill something and need to wash it off so I can expose two thirds of myself. Sometimes it gets so bad that I start popping out of both cups and then it looks like I have four breasts instead of two. It’s the bra, it’s the hot pink rhinestone studded bra causing all these problems. I finally had enough two days ago when I lost my good earrings and my ring while wearing this curse of a sling. This cursed bra has been retired to the back of the drawer and will never surface again.

In the movie The Village the town’s people kept a box with their unfortunate events locked away in them. They said it was to keep these things close to them so as not to forget and have them resurface in other ways. This says to me I should lock the drawer. I should lock the drawer with a very expensive brass bolt, wrapped with 4 inch link chains guarded by four huge well armed men. When I have a bad day those dark chocolate, shirtless, well formed men can exclaim “Yeah, you had a bad day but it could have been worse, you could have been wearing the bra.” Thank God for chocolate or I might have worn the bra. See, it can all be solved if I just retire Big Pink. I have been cursed and I must break this rhinestone curse with its lacy appeal. Oh what lies it tells, promising the feel of soft femininity only to deliver hard and cruel humiliation. Why, why I say why me? Not anymore. Enough, I say enough of the madness. In the drawer with you. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have four handsome gentlemen to hire.

Joan of Arc