Daily Archive for November 23rd, 2006

Boundaries and Mixed Messages Part 2 of 2

Published on November 23, 2006 in Mental Health, Relationships and Segments. 2 Comments

Boundaries and Mixed Messages Part 2 of 2

Mixed Messages
Thursday, November 23, 2006-6:45AM EST

I received an interesting reply from one of the 5 recipients of the heads up emails I sent out concerning Destiny’s second entry about sending us holiday cards. She said that maybe the person didn’t even know the entry was there but she also said that maybe the person was trying to in effect use old coping skills in situations where it wasn’t warranted. Let me explain- JAGA brought up the fact that often people send mixed messages and the other person is supposed to try and figure out what they really mean. She also said that abuse survivors try and decipher simply stated things because that is what was expected when they were being abused. I like that she brought that up because it gives me a chance to kind of go over that type of communication.

She said that sometimes a person will be adamant about a subject and the listener is suppose to somehow know that they mean the exact opposite. Don’t ‘cha hate that? When you’re suppose to read someone’s mind and just know how they feel about this or that then act in such a way so that you come through for them emotionally? What JAGA said about this type of communication is true; we get it from being an abuse survivor. We tried back then to figure out what the other person really wanted so as to be seen as a “good girl” or “good boy.” We just wanted to somehow not be a disappointment, somehow not be the reason for someone feeling let down or left out. We know those emotional reactions very well so we try and avoid being what we think is the cause of that reaction in others. We use old coping skills (trying to decipher meaning) in new situations (where no coded words were stated). Or we use old coping skills (send mixed messages) and expect others to read between the lines and figure out what we really want them to do. I understand that. I do it myself still only what I do is go in the totally opposite direction by being so specific and usually so careful with wording so as not to make the person wonder what I meant. I take it to the extreme on the other end for the same result. So I don’t disappoint, so I don’t fall short and feel like a “bad girl.”

When I was younger and my mother went off on a tirade what I did to try and get to the bottom of it, what I did to try and figure out what she really wanted was to sift through the cursing, wipe the spit off my face, toss out empty chatter and save only what I thought was vital for the moment. This way I could figure out exactly what she wanted from me. But I could only do this by tossing out cursing and other verbal assaults. It’s like rummaging through the garbage can to find a bill you need to pay that you never owed in the first place. It’s all covered in slime but you sift through to find that bill because finding it and paying it could mean safety for the moment. That is how it felt when I tried to toss out all the crap the mother was saying in order to find the true meaning and figure out what she really wanted me to do. I did that to survive the same way others tried to decode what their abuser said. Sometimes the person speaking isn’t an abuser at all, just someone who was never taught how to communicate. It doesn’t take an abuser to flub up communication and you don’t have to be some idiot or an under educated person to send out mixed messages. This stuff happens all the time but when growing up with abuse that sort of communication is more like your first language, a mother tongue that you can’t quite master.

When it comes to mixed messages there is no greater time to send them all nicely wrapped in confusion and topped with self doubt than the grand ol holidays. JAGA said that people say don’t send me a birthday card or a Christmas present when what they really might mean is that they want one. If you send one then you take the chance of pissing them off but if you don’t send one then you take the chance of disappointing them because you didn’t correctly read their mind. I wonder if sometimes people say don’t send me this or that this holiday as sort of a way to manage any disappointment that may come their way. Like say, if they don’t get a present or a card then they don’t really have a reason to be disappointed because they already told people not to send anything. It’s damage control for them but a mixed message for others. You can send a card or a gift and I’ll be thrilled but if you don’t I’ve already said publicly that I don’t want anything so if you fail to decipher my message I won’t be so hurt because I already told you to count me out. I won’t feel so alone and abandoned because I’ve set up a safety net for myself through this mixed message I sent out. Now please meet my needs accurately.

Trust me, I understand that reasoning but I also think that Destiny was quite clear, overly so, when she said not to send anything. I’m not saying you should be a closet Christmas celebrator. I’m saying don’t mail me anything; don’t ask me to celebrate with you. … Hey, it’s your holiday. It’s your holiday based on giving so is it beyond reasonable to request that I be given the courtesy of distance? …. A day of nation wide gluttony and increased drunk driving isn’t something I’m willing to raise my fork to…Being polite has gotten me nowhere so sometimes I have to be offensively truthful. I didn’t think there was a way to misinterpret what she said but maybe I’m wrong. There was clear disdain for the holidays and behaviors that go on during those holidays. I wish she had made it a bit clearer that it’s the holidays she disagrees with and that she doesn’t find people who celebrate them to be horrible or distasteful. Her main point was the holidays are based on untruths. I figured she was bluntly, forcefully, offensively clear about that but maybe I read a different post by our favorite painfully blunt alter. She is the only one who would go as far as to say I promise NOT to send you an e-card with crashed cars and crying families, dead Indians and their crying children stuffed on plantations. I promise not to call you and wish you a happy day upon land stolen if you promise not to tell me to have a happy holiday cause I will bring up the true origins and it will not be pretty. Somehow that turkey will not taste so good. There is no way to misinterpret that kind of raving madness. What she said was right but how she said it was just straight up like a raving maniac but even a maniac can make herself clear and I think Destiny did. No mixed messages in that post.

The point of fury for Destiny’s second entry was that the person who sent the e-card not only read the first entry but left a comment then sent me an e-card anyway. The point of this entry here is to say that while we understand that sometimes people say one thing but mean another we did not do that when writing the original holiday entry. We do understand that type of communication because we had to use it to survive the monster. We understand that we at times are guilty of wanting to word things in such a manner that nothing more than what we mean can be taken from what we said. It’s the opposite extreme isn’t it? In order for others to not have to decipher, in order for me to be able to come back and say, nope that’s not what I said I said this that and the other, I’ll word things in such a manner that it would be easier to read between the lines of Chinese than read between the lines of what I’ve said. I go so far in the opposite direction to avoid being a disappointment or making someone feel hurt or making them wonder what I really meant. Sometimes my head goes bonkers trying to word things just so in order to not be taken wrong, to not offend, to not leave any questions as to what I meant. Surviving abuse is a complicated thing isn’t it? We try so dang hard to win this time around. We try so hard to do things right so that somehow we can be relieved of the filthy burden and title “bad girl.” And then there are times we go out of our way to offend and bring scorn to ourselves so we don’t have to sit back and wait for someone else to surprise us with disappointment followed by abandonment. This may be what the person was doing but I do not intend to try and decode her behavior any further.

Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride

Link to Part 1 of this segment

Boundaries and Mixed Messages Part 1 of 2

Published on November 23, 2006 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, Relationships and Segments. 0 Comments

Boundaries and Mixed Messages Part 1 of 2
Boundaries Crossed Thursday, November 23, 2006-5:21AM EST

I’m going to try and make this a shorter entry so as not to drag this whole thing out. I’ve been given some new thoughts on why this person may have sent me a card despite what I thought Destiny was clear about. But first I need to say that I won’t take Destiny’s entries down. She is third protector and even though I out rank her I will not take down an entry she wrote expressing her thoughts on holidays then expressing her hurt over someone purposely crossing her boundaries therefore crossing the boundaries of everyone in Morton’s Pride. What I will do is address what a friend of mine brought up about why this person decided to send a card regardless of what I thought was a clear and to the point entry. In order to keep this short(er) I’ll do this in two entries- one about communication and the other about understanding the intensions of the person who sent the e-card.

Would I have worded Destiny’s entry on holidays differently, without a doubt. If I celebrated holidays would I have been offended by some of what she said? Without a doubt I would have been but I believe the underlying message was don’t send us anything. It’s been years that we’ve been telling people not to send us cards and I think this year Destiny simply wanted to make it clear instead of swallowing her anger and sending no reply at all to the cards that come flowing in our inbox. Yes, Destiny signed her name to it and she worded it in such a way that not all of Morton’s Pride would have but the basic message is something we all would have wanted to convey. Please don’t send us anything, that was basically her message.

In a damage control type way I sent out private email to 5 different people letting them know that the second entry Destiny wrote had nothing at all to do with them and that they had not offended her in anyway. Perhaps that was my way of saying, please don’t send us something knowing it’ll be offensive because getting slapped in the face again will be too dang on much to take. I pretty much begged dont send us anything because we don’t want to ever think you’d purposely offend anyone. It’s about trust issues. It’s about saying, please don’t tell me I was wrong to think we were friends only to have you turn around and purposely offend me when I’ve made it clear how I feel. Those 5 emails I sent out were a true reflection of how hard it is to trust and how foolish one can feel for trusting, for becoming comfortable just to get slapped and be told to enjoy it. Also, those emails were a cut and paste thing so everyone got the same email. We wanted them to know that they hadn’t done anything at all to us and we wanted them to not have any questions at all as to if our anger is directed towards them because maybe an auto generated card got sent to us by mistake. Sometimes people have them auto generated. The Thanksgiving e-card we got was not auto generated. With that said, let me begin.

There was a lot of detail that I did not include in this entry and that Destiny did not include in her second entry about why we are simply not willing to see this as a miscommunication and why it was we were so offended by that particular person sending the e-card. I figured I’d leave her personal stuff off the journal but it seems doing so left open doubt that the person actually meant to offend me. She did. She succeeded too. This person read the original entry and left a comment so it’s not like she didn’t actually see the entry. She did, she saw it and commented even saying that when she tells people to have a good holiday its in the same tone as when she says have a good day and the same empty meaning as when people ask “how are you.” So, I’m saying that after reading the post then commenting followed by sending me a card is just inexcusable. I do not even know this person in my 3-D life but what I do know is that she keeps telling me we have a superficial friendship like the superficial relationships she says she has with most people. So, see it’s not so horrible when I say I’m done because clearly we didn’t have anything deep in the first place. I was just a superficial friend anyway so purposely offending me didn’t mean jack squat to her. So I hope that clears up the fact that there was not any miscommunication on her part when sending me an e-card.

Lastly, I removed that person’s name from her comment because other people that comment have that same name and I didn’t want there to be any confusion about which one it was. I don’t want someone out there going, was it this one or that one they have the same name. So, I did remove the person’s name to avoid mix up. I have three different people by that name who comment on this journal but trust me, this person is very well aware of the offensive nature. The hurt is that it was purposeful, that is what really hurts. It was purposeful. Is the hurt about the holidays? No, it’s not. Had I said, please don’t send me anything with a turtle on it and here’s why and then you sent me something with a turtle on it I’d be just as offended. If I said I don’t like the colour red (which I do. I love that colour) and then explained why but you mailed me a red shirt and told me I’d look good in it and to enjoy it I’d be just as offended as I am about the card. The main issue is boundaries and trying your damndest to offend leaving me to try and figure out what the real purpose of sending that card was.

Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride