30 « November « 2006 « The People Behind My Eyes

Thursday, November 30, 2006-6:03PM

I see Dr. P tomorrow, my general practitioner. He fit me in so I get to see him tomorrow afternoon. I’m angry about that but not because he too is leaving but because I really think there is more that can be done for the Lupus than he’s doing. I’m no longer pleased with the wait and see attitude. Losing my hair isn’t a wait and see issue. I don’t want to talk about that. I’ve got to get myself in a space to go eat pizza. Thank goodness I still have some lactaide or I’d be suffrin’ later this evening. I already have to conserve on the restroom tissue. When Blossom comes over I hide the Charmin and put out the John Wayne restroom tissue. The kind of restroom tissue that’s rough and tough and don’t take shit of nobody. I swear that girl’s butt has teeth. She can go through some restroom tissue! So I put out the cheap stuff and save the Charmin for me. How on earth can someone use that much restroom tissue? It’s not right. I either have no butt teeth or fewer, either way her butt has the munchies cause she goes through it like a pot head goes through a bag of cheetos. Chomp, chomp!
No baby, not the Charmin don’t ~~squeeze~~ eat the Charmin. It’s wrong is all, it’s just wrong.

My barely tolerable relationship with my roommate came to a braking point. It seems that despite the fact that we should have snow later this evening he doesn’t feel the need to turn on the heat. I told him two weeks ago that if he doesn’t feel the need to heat the place then I’ll take it upon myself to buy two small heaters so that I’m not sitting back here with arthritic knees hurting like the dickens. Two weeks ago we talked about the heat situation with no changes. So I left him a message on his machine telling him that on the third my rent check will be short because I intend to buy 2 heaters. I told him I’d give him a copy of the receipts.

Blossom is on her way over and we’re going for pizza. I have to remember who I’m angry with. I also have to remember that my anger and irritation levels have increased since Dr. B is leaving and that it’s neither him, Jackass Barney, Blossom or any other person that I’ve seen recently. My anger is generalized as is my anxiety; only that general anxiety is what has me taking the full 1mg of clonapin three times a day instead of the ½ milligram twice a day that I was taking. I want to rock, I do. I try not to because I know very well it only increases dissociation. The whole Dr. B thing isn’t as devastating as it was yesterday. I feel a bit better about it. The anger I’m feeling I think is left over from when I was furious and suicidal and just messed up in general the last week or longer. I just can’t seem to get myself together. Sometimes I wish for to be numb again. That would be such a loss though…a truly devastating loss.

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Despite bad news I’d say I’m handling it reasonably well. I have a few times when I just crash but I’ve tried to stay busy, even going to my neighbor UK’s house to see if I could help her with household chores. Captain probably never wants to go on another walk again. I walked him twice yesterday and twice today. We’ve been in the yard to play around as well as sat together on the porch fighting over who should get the top step. Cap won but he cheated. He slobbered on me. When I got up in disgust he stole the top step. I think that was his plan, gross Mama out and take the top step. He’s a slobber machine sometimes but usually that’s only when it benefits him.