Monthly Archive for November, 2006Page 2 of 5

The Human Experience

Published
by
Austin
on November 24, 2006
in Soapbox
. 3 Comments

The Human Experience
Friday, November 24, 2006- 5:00 AM EST

 

Vodka Musings - a YouTube video clip. (The creator of this clip has chosen to remove it from YouTube so this link no longer works)

I like what this woman has to say. Her video is about 12 minutes long and talks about this whole Kramer situation being the number one topic during a very hostile time in the country. She discusses her background and experiences with poverty, homelessness, a mother with Paranoid Schizophrenia and about the misguided direction the world goes in when it comes to race and gender standards. This is a good video. I’d love to talk to this lady.

Some of what she says I’ve thought but not said or written. There are times when I watch TV and think, man had they said that about another group of people that comment would have gotten them in a lot of trouble. The TV we watch, especially comedy shows like Jay Leno, David Letterman and other late night TV shows really set the tone for common views on race, gender standards, views on crime and issues that should be taken seriously. I believe that only here would it be okay for someone to write a book about a crime they committed, got acquitted for then goes to write a book about if they did it this is how they would have done it. Only here in this country would they get any air time at all to slap victims in the face then have those same faces slapped by late night comedians who joke about such horrible acts. It was not bad judgment on the part of the FOX network, it was a true reflection of their values, money before morality.

What we watch on TV, the jokes we listen to and laugh at can slowly change our once solid standards and clear social views. A gradually dulled sense of right and wrong can lead us to out right violent (verbal or physical) acts. It always starts out gradually. With each joke that goes by about OJ, with each joke that goes by about female teachers assaulting male students or even jokes about global warming we tenderize our conscience and when there is a true assault we don’t feel the blow the way we would have had our true fiber and strength of conscience not been softened up (tenderized) by inappropriate commentary. Subtle intrusions can make the biggest impact on our behavior and then we shock ourselves when we fly off the handle and say this or that about this person or that person. We say or think stuff we never thought we could and ask, “Where did that come from?” It comes from the everyday subtleties that tell us who we are and who the next person is. Where did that come from? It comes from those jokes in the coffee room with a racial tone or with a sexist tone. Where did that come from? It comes from news programs that insist upon showing one sided viewpoints on emotionally charged situations then end offering no solutions just doubt and fear with a second helping the next news segment around. Sometimes the things we see on TV or hear on the radio are subtle but other times they’re right out in the open mixing words some of us would never dream of putting together.

In this day an age it is okay to exercise free speech even when it’s just filth and pointless. It is your right to be stupid and the constitution will never change that basic moronic right. In addition to more “free speech” are freer speech topics. There was a time not to so long ago that talking about abuse at all was unheard of. Now, we joke about it. Where is the balance and will we as human beings ever be able to know when to talk seriously and when to simply “not go there?”

One form of speech lets the world know that women, children, men, the elderly, the handicapped and all other groups of people will not stand for ill treatment. We have entire organizations for such advocacies. The hard work they do is sometimes muted by those who would actually have the nerve to joke about something 1 out of ever 3 girls and 1 out of every 6 boys has experienced before the age of 18. For some reason we forget their faces and we forget their tears and the impact their healing or not healing has on our society. To laugh simply allows you one more tenderizing blow and one more reason for children not to tell. When your children see you laugh about these things you send a message that it’s something to be mocked. Who wants to be mocked? If they are ever part of the ever changing statistics what are the chances they’ll tell and take the chance of being the butt of a joke? Kids may not be aware that there is help out there. They might go as far as to believe that somehow Jay Leno will find out and plaster his face all over TV and everyone will know. God forbid anyone would grant this sort of “keep my child silent” approval knowingly. But that is what is done when you laugh at domestic abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and other forms of destructive behaviors.

The next time you laugh make sure it’s something funny not something having to do with the millions of abused children each year. The next time you decide its okay to use a racial slur of any kind think about the lasting effects it has on people and the hurt it brings to every single solitary race in the world. Keep your hands to yourself. Keep your hate to yourself.

Austin

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Boundaries and Mixed Messages Part 2 of 2

Published
by
Austin
on November 23, 2006
in Mental Health, Relationships and Segments
. 2 Comments

Boundaries and Mixed Messages Part 2 of 2

Mixed Messages
Thursday, November 23, 2006-6:45AM EST

I received an interesting reply from one of the 5 recipients of the heads up emails I sent out concerning Destiny’s second entry about sending us holiday cards. She said that maybe the person didn’t even know the entry was there but she also said that maybe the person was trying to in effect use old coping skills in situations where it wasn’t warranted. Let me explain- JAGA brought up the fact that often people send mixed messages and the other person is supposed to try and figure out what they really mean. She also said that abuse survivors try and decipher simply stated things because that is what was expected when they were being abused. I like that she brought that up because it gives me a chance to kind of go over that type of communication.

She said that sometimes a person will be adamant about a subject and the listener is suppose to somehow know that they mean the exact opposite. Don’t ‘cha hate that? When you’re suppose to read someone’s mind and just know how they feel about this or that then act in such a way so that you come through for them emotionally? What JAGA said about this type of communication is true; we get it from being an abuse survivor. We tried back then to figure out what the other person really wanted so as to be seen as a “good girl” or “good boy.” We just wanted to somehow not be a disappointment, somehow not be the reason for someone feeling let down or left out. We know those emotional reactions very well so we try and avoid being what we think is the cause of that reaction in others. We use old coping skills (trying to decipher meaning) in new situations (where no coded words were stated). Or we use old coping skills (send mixed messages) and expect others to read between the lines and figure out what we really want them to do. I understand that. I do it myself still only what I do is go in the totally opposite direction by being so specific and usually so careful with wording so as not to make the person wonder what I meant. I take it to the extreme on the other end for the same result. So I don’t disappoint, so I don’t fall short and feel like a “bad girl.”

When I was younger and my mother went off on a tirade what I did to try and get to the bottom of it, what I did to try and figure out what she really wanted was to sift through the cursing, wipe the spit off my face, toss out empty chatter and save only what I thought was vital for the moment. This way I could figure out exactly what she wanted from me. But I could only do this by tossing out cursing and other verbal assaults. It’s like rummaging through the garbage can to find a bill you need to pay that you never owed in the first place. It’s all covered in slime but you sift through to find that bill because finding it and paying it could mean safety for the moment. That is how it felt when I tried to toss out all the crap the mother was saying in order to find the true meaning and figure out what she really wanted me to do. I did that to survive the same way others tried to decode what their abuser said. Sometimes the person speaking isn’t an abuser at all, just someone who was never taught how to communicate. It doesn’t take an abuser to flub up communication and you don’t have to be some idiot or an under educated person to send out mixed messages. This stuff happens all the time but when growing up with abuse that sort of communication is more like your first language, a mother tongue that you can’t quite master.

When it comes to mixed messages there is no greater time to send them all nicely wrapped in confusion and topped with self doubt than the grand ol holidays. JAGA said that people say don’t send me a birthday card or a Christmas present when what they really might mean is that they want one. If you send one then you take the chance of pissing them off but if you don’t send one then you take the chance of disappointing them because you didn’t correctly read their mind. I wonder if sometimes people say don’t send me this or that this holiday as sort of a way to manage any disappointment that may come their way. Like say, if they don’t get a present or a card then they don’t really have a reason to be disappointed because they already told people not to send anything. It’s damage control for them but a mixed message for others. You can send a card or a gift and I’ll be thrilled but if you don’t I’ve already said publicly that I don’t want anything so if you fail to decipher my message I won’t be so hurt because I already told you to count me out. I won’t feel so alone and abandoned because I’ve set up a safety net for myself through this mixed message I sent out. Now please meet my needs accurately.

Trust me, I understand that reasoning but I also think that Destiny was quite clear, overly so, when she said not to send anything. I’m not saying you should be a closet Christmas celebrator. I’m saying don’t mail me anything; don’t ask me to celebrate with you. … Hey, it’s your holiday. It’s your holiday based on giving so is it beyond reasonable to request that I be given the courtesy of distance? …. A day of nation wide gluttony and increased drunk driving isn’t something I’m willing to raise my fork to…Being polite has gotten me nowhere so sometimes I have to be offensively truthful. I didn’t think there was a way to misinterpret what she said but maybe I’m wrong. There was clear disdain for the holidays and behaviors that go on during those holidays. I wish she had made it a bit clearer that it’s the holidays she disagrees with and that she doesn’t find people who celebrate them to be horrible or distasteful. Her main point was the holidays are based on untruths. I figured she was bluntly, forcefully, offensively clear about that but maybe I read a different post by our favorite painfully blunt alter. She is the only one who would go as far as to say I promise NOT to send you an e-card with crashed cars and crying families, dead Indians and their crying children stuffed on plantations. I promise not to call you and wish you a happy day upon land stolen if you promise not to tell me to have a happy holiday cause I will bring up the true origins and it will not be pretty. Somehow that turkey will not taste so good. There is no way to misinterpret that kind of raving madness. What she said was right but how she said it was just straight up like a raving maniac but even a maniac can make herself clear and I think Destiny did. No mixed messages in that post.

The point of fury for Destiny’s second entry was that the person who sent the e-card not only read the first entry but left a comment then sent me an e-card anyway. The point of this entry here is to say that while we understand that sometimes people say one thing but mean another we did not do that when writing the original holiday entry. We do understand that type of communication because we had to use it to survive the monster. We understand that we at times are guilty of wanting to word things in such a manner that nothing more than what we mean can be taken from what we said. It’s the opposite extreme isn’t it? In order for others to not have to decipher, in order for me to be able to come back and say, nope that’s not what I said I said this that and the other, I’ll word things in such a manner that it would be easier to read between the lines of Chinese than read between the lines of what I’ve said. I go so far in the opposite direction to avoid being a disappointment or making someone feel hurt or making them wonder what I really meant. Sometimes my head goes bonkers trying to word things just so in order to not be taken wrong, to not offend, to not leave any questions as to what I meant. Surviving abuse is a complicated thing isn’t it? We try so dang hard to win this time around. We try so hard to do things right so that somehow we can be relieved of the filthy burden and title “bad girl.” And then there are times we go out of our way to offend and bring scorn to ourselves so we don’t have to sit back and wait for someone else to surprise us with disappointment followed by abandonment. This may be what the person was doing but I do not intend to try and decode her behavior any further.

Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride

Link to Part 1 of this segment

Boundaries and Mixed Messages Part 1 of 2

Published
by
Austin
on November 23, 2006
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, Relationships and Segments
. 0 Comments

Boundaries and Mixed Messages Part 1 of 2
Boundaries Crossed Thursday, November 23, 2006-5:21AM EST

I’m going to try and make this a shorter entry so as not to drag this whole thing out. I’ve been given some new thoughts on why this person may have sent me a card despite what I thought Destiny was clear about. But first I need to say that I won’t take Destiny’s entries down. She is third protector and even though I out rank her I will not take down an entry she wrote expressing her thoughts on holidays then expressing her hurt over someone purposely crossing her boundaries therefore crossing the boundaries of everyone in Morton’s Pride. What I will do is address what a friend of mine brought up about why this person decided to send a card regardless of what I thought was a clear and to the point entry. In order to keep this short(er) I’ll do this in two entries- one about communication and the other about understanding the intensions of the person who sent the e-card.

Would I have worded Destiny’s entry on holidays differently, without a doubt. If I celebrated holidays would I have been offended by some of what she said? Without a doubt I would have been but I believe the underlying message was don’t send us anything. It’s been years that we’ve been telling people not to send us cards and I think this year Destiny simply wanted to make it clear instead of swallowing her anger and sending no reply at all to the cards that come flowing in our inbox. Yes, Destiny signed her name to it and she worded it in such a way that not all of Morton’s Pride would have but the basic message is something we all would have wanted to convey. Please don’t send us anything, that was basically her message.

In a damage control type way I sent out private email to 5 different people letting them know that the second entry Destiny wrote had nothing at all to do with them and that they had not offended her in anyway. Perhaps that was my way of saying, please don’t send us something knowing it’ll be offensive because getting slapped in the face again will be too dang on much to take. I pretty much begged dont send us anything because we don’t want to ever think you’d purposely offend anyone. It’s about trust issues. It’s about saying, please don’t tell me I was wrong to think we were friends only to have you turn around and purposely offend me when I’ve made it clear how I feel. Those 5 emails I sent out were a true reflection of how hard it is to trust and how foolish one can feel for trusting, for becoming comfortable just to get slapped and be told to enjoy it. Also, those emails were a cut and paste thing so everyone got the same email. We wanted them to know that they hadn’t done anything at all to us and we wanted them to not have any questions at all as to if our anger is directed towards them because maybe an auto generated card got sent to us by mistake. Sometimes people have them auto generated. The Thanksgiving e-card we got was not auto generated. With that said, let me begin.

There was a lot of detail that I did not include in this entry and that Destiny did not include in her second entry about why we are simply not willing to see this as a miscommunication and why it was we were so offended by that particular person sending the e-card. I figured I’d leave her personal stuff off the journal but it seems doing so left open doubt that the person actually meant to offend me. She did. She succeeded too. This person read the original entry and left a comment so it’s not like she didn’t actually see the entry. She did, she saw it and commented even saying that when she tells people to have a good holiday its in the same tone as when she says have a good day and the same empty meaning as when people ask “how are you.” So, I’m saying that after reading the post then commenting followed by sending me a card is just inexcusable. I do not even know this person in my 3-D life but what I do know is that she keeps telling me we have a superficial friendship like the superficial relationships she says she has with most people. So, see it’s not so horrible when I say I’m done because clearly we didn’t have anything deep in the first place. I was just a superficial friend anyway so purposely offending me didn’t mean jack squat to her. So I hope that clears up the fact that there was not any miscommunication on her part when sending me an e-card.

Lastly, I removed that person’s name from her comment because other people that comment have that same name and I didn’t want there to be any confusion about which one it was. I don’t want someone out there going, was it this one or that one they have the same name. So, I did remove the person’s name to avoid mix up. I have three different people by that name who comment on this journal but trust me, this person is very well aware of the offensive nature. The hurt is that it was purposeful, that is what really hurts. It was purposeful. Is the hurt about the holidays? No, it’s not. Had I said, please don’t send me anything with a turtle on it and here’s why and then you sent me something with a turtle on it I’d be just as offended. If I said I don’t like the colour red (which I do. I love that colour) and then explained why but you mailed me a red shirt and told me I’d look good in it and to enjoy it I’d be just as offended as I am about the card. The main issue is boundaries and trying your damndest to offend leaving me to try and figure out what the real purpose of sending that card was.

Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride

This Isn’t Gonna Work

Published
by
Austin
on November 22, 2006
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships and Soapbox
. 2 Comments

I did not realize I would actually get an e-card. I figured that the half-way restrained way I wrote that other post would make it clear that sending me an e-card for the holidays would not go over well. I explained why. I was pretty clear so I figured my email box wouldn’t have something come in with a great big happy TG on it. I was wrong, there are people who are willing to be so purposely offensive that they would read that entry, let me know they read the entry then send me a card anyway. So, listen up all you fuck heads who strive to offend. (If you are not going to send me a card then you’re not a fuck head so this does not apply to you. Feel free to skip to the next entry with fewer colourful words. I should probably say that people who celebrate this holiday ARE NOT fuck heads, just the people who think it’s okay to be purposely offensive and smile while doing it.)

I was not joking. Do NOT send me greeting cards for Thanksgiving or any other holiday. I’ve already had to send out one nasty email just as I said I would. People, give me a fuckin break and don’t send me a greeting card for the holidays. Is that really so damn hard to ask for? I mean really? If I say I don’t want it then why go through all the damn trouble to read the entry then send a card any damn way? What kinda shit is that? OMG! So please, if you decide that you must send a greeting card know for sure that it would be best not to contact me again. I’m telling you, when someone says this disgusts me and says why, even if you don’t agree with it why force yourself on them? It’s kinda like saying, I don’t care how you feel about this or that I’m going to do what I want to do anyway. Guess what? That doesn’t fly with me. If you insist upon sending me a card and tell me to enjoy it then please be prepared to not contact me again. I mean come on, that means the issue is bigger than the card right? It means that you will do what you want to do even if the other person is offended by it, offended by it big time! It doesn’t make any sense to me why someone would send me a card I said not to send then fucking tell me to enjoy the card as if somehow I would actually enjoy the card. I’m confused, baffled. How are you just gonna send me a fucking card knowing full well that I asked you not to? It’s just down right crazy. Who the fuck does that? Oh my God I am livid. Who does that? It’s not funny. It’s not funny at all.

If you wanna fuckin make somebody mad go and put on a size 13 steel toe shoe and step all over their toes and smile, tell them to enjoy! What the fuck is wrong with people? I thought for sure this time I’d get my damn message across not to fucking send me anything but there always has to be some asshole to push matters. And ya wonder why I was so forceful about it in that entry, well that’s why, because nice doesn’t fuckin cut it.

Yeah, I’m offended big time that anyone would send me a card after writing that entry but what really gets me is that it’s a simple thing. It’s a simple thing that if you just can’t do means you yourself have some real fuckin issues. My feelings on the matter don’t count. The fact that you now feel better that you’ve sent me a card is what matters. So, I really hope you’ve enjoyed yourself. Again, the issue is bigger than the card; the issue is that I requested that people not send me something telling me to enjoy a day that I find loathsome yet you purposely offended me and told me to enjoy it. That is why I say if you want to send one don’t write to me again. Don’t purposely offend me then tell me to enjoy it. Those are some big ass cohunes’ I do mean to tell you.

Destiny, livid for a valid reason

Hanging In But Tired

Published
by
Austin
on November 21, 2006
in Dissociative Identity Disorder and Mental Health
. 2 Comments

Hanging In But Tired-Tuesday, November 21, 2006-6:01PM EST

Very tired physically and emotionally but hanging in nonetheless. I didn’t get much sleep, about 2 hours actually. I’m okay thought.

thank you very much to everybody for their support and concern. I appreciate it.

Austin

For Therapy Tuesday Afternoon

Published
by
Austin
on November 21, 2006
in Dreams, Mental Health and Therapy
. 9 Comments

Everything I Can Do- for therapy Tuesday afternoon
Tuesday, November 21, 2006- 2:33AM EST

It’s everything I can do to keep my head on straight when I can feel my mother hitting me or when I turn around to say something to her and realize that I’m in my own home, in my own free life. It angers me. It’s hard to keep from hurting myself but so far I have managed to do just that. I haven’t written a whole lot about what’s been going on inside because I wasn’t sure I could do it without really crumbling. Hell, there’s a lot of stuff I don’t write in the journal simply because I can’t bring myself to do it.

The most recent upset came when I passed my grandmother’s house twice. Unknowingly the last two times I’ve come to see you Blossom drove right by my grandmother’s house. I asked her to take a different route to your office the second time. I didn’t figure we’d have to worry about going that route again but she did so I told her we might want to take another route. She had no clue we were on that side of town where the grandmother lives or lived. I don’t know if she’s still there or not but that house is still standing. I’m surprised evil hasn’t blown itself up, crumbled under its own strength and combusted. I swear that house is where some very ugly things happened. That house is where I was the first time I was molested by my male cousin at age 3. I got my ass beat for it too. The mother said to never let him do it again. Yeah, whatever, he did and she knew it but it was easier to keep her mouth shut and kick my ass when we got home than it was to confront him about it. He scared everybody in that family. Hell, he’s living proof that monsters can be created.

I don’t think I’ve been so paranoid as I have been in the last two weeks, afraid that when I leave the house I’m going to run into a family member. It makes me want to pick up and go right back to Tyler where I belong. I spent equal amounts of time in Indiana, Tampa and Texas but to me Tyler is home. I have no family there except for my ex-husband. I’m sure he’s either in jail or someone has killed his stupid ass so I don’t think I have to worry about running into him in Tyler. It’s not like I’m going to pick up and move anyway. That would only solve a few things but the majority of my baggage would come right along with me. Running with baggage doesn’t get me anywhere. I know that for sure because I’ve done it too many times.

Listen, the fear we feel right now is tremendous. We struggle to remember that this is our house and that we are safe. Dr. B we can feel her hit us. We can smell her. The back of my head throbs and my eyes are so heavy they want to shut but when I go to bed I dream of her and when I can feel her hitting me it scares the crap out of me so badly that I wet my pants. The humiliation is that I’m 35 years old and scared to death of the memory of her. You and I have talked about how she really can’t hurt me anymore. She’s wheelchair bound now, suffocating from Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. She’s on oxygen and wasting away quickly but I’ve not bothered to check the obituaries because dead or alive makes no difference. When I sleep she is right there in vivid colour, every colour of anger and rage and every form of filthy words she can come up with to describe just how disappointed she is to have me as a daughter.

I have not touched the book I Can’t Get Over It in a few days because I wasn’t in the space to do it. I’ve been doing general emotional maintenance. I’m scared and I’m angry about being so afraid. I hear every single sound, see every single movement and it drives me crazy. And it drives me crazy to think I can feel dowel rods hit my skin. What makes me furious is even though she has not hit me in years I still feel the warmth she promised me I’d feel. She said after being hit God gives a special gift of warmth so that you don’t feel the blows as much. She said it was a loving gift from him. You know what? If I didn’t feel that warmth when I was younger it told me that he really didn’t love me and that what Mama said was true, he is going to destroy me. When I can feel her hitting me, even though she’s not here in this house, when that memory is gone I feel that warmth … a sick and fucked up warmth sweeps over me and for a moment I’m satisfied….like maybe, maybe she was right maybe it’s a gift. When I was young I use to crave that warmth, that closeness to God. I hoped that if he knew I was here he’d come and get me and sweep me away from this madness. I swear I’d close my eyes and think of him sweeping me up, of me wrapping my arms around his neck, his huge hand holds my head on his shoulder as he shushes me saying, everything is okay. I’ve got you. I’m here now. I thought for sure he’d come and do that. I thought it would be the greatest gift in the world, to be swept up by God and taken out of that place.

Old lies hang on with a death grip. Why would God have me beaten then reward my pain with some natural anesthesia that would leave me warm? Why would he dole out pain then give me a warm blanket to wrap myself up in. My mother is that cruel, not my God. The funny thing is, when it comes down to it, I don’t trust either one of them. I trust my God more but not the way I would like to. It all gets mixed up when you’re told that if he loves me he’ll give me this warmth that sweeps over me to make the beating more comfortable. I have general trust issues and God is not exempt from those issues. I know where they come from but I still don’t trust him. And I feel like a hypocrite addressing him in prayer. I want badly to pray again but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’d like to ask him to please, just for tonight, please let me sleep a manageable sleep, just tonight. I can not ask him that, not knowing that he knows that I don’t fully trust him. I miss my relationship with him. I wish I could bring myself to call on him during these times but why? Why when I know I’m doing stuff that is just straight up wrong and why when most of the time all that I could get out of my mouth would be please help me cause I can’t keep going like this.

I left on your voicemail that we’ve been feeling suicidal but that we’ve worked hard to not do anything. We haven’t cut or anything at all. We’ve managed to eat a real meal daily, to shower daily, to take meds and to go outside for fresh air daily. We are hanging on by the skin of our teeth. Some triggers are harder than others. Driving by that old house is the most recent hard trigger, even worse than remembering my foster brother’s past.

What I need from you tomorrow is for you to remind me that I’m safe. I can say it forever but there is always that voice in the back of my head that says I’m fooling myself. So I’m gonna need an outside voice to give me a reality check please.

Blossom and I talked about suicide and how my view of it has changed. It may cross my mind on a daily basis but after being the surviving friend of that act my views are totally different. I’ve promised myself and my friends that I will go in patient before things get so bad that I try and hurt myself. Today when Blossom showed up she wasn’t able to wake me. She thought I had done something to hurt myself. You know what Dr. B? My word is good. I will ask for help way before I get to the point where I think I can’t rationalize and keep myself safe. But I thought it was important to talk to her about it because when a person is this depressed the last thing they want to do is keep it from their family and friends so I talked to her about it. I do not expect her to rescue me but I didn’t want her to be in the dark as to how I’m really doing.

See you in a few hours

Austin

Curse of The Hot Pink Brazier

Published
by
JoanofArc
on November 20, 2006
in General Chatter and Humor
. 5 Comments

Curse of The Hot Pink Brazier
Monday, November 20, 2006-2:44 AM

I am not a superstitious person but every time I put on that hot pink bra something happens. Let me start from the beginning. Finding a good sling for the “girls” is a difficult task when you’re a big girl with extra “gifts” in the upper torso area. I thought I was the luckiest big girl in the world when I found 6 count ‘em 6 bras for $35 on eBay. That very low cost included shipping and handling. Little did I know the hot pink one would be the bane of my existence. Little did I know I’d fear to turn my back on anyone or anything while wearing it. This rhinestone studded bra was the star in my show of humiliation when I spilled coffee on a white shirt I wore to therapy. So I don’t have to go into that whole story again I’ll just link to it here. I’ll just say that after trying to wash coffee off of a white shirt I was left exposing Big Pink but only on one side mind you. One half of my shirt showed the bra with its studs just a-standin’ out and the other side was dry and concealed my other “girl.” That was the beginning of my bad luck streak with this bra.

I was wearing that thing when I had a fire place malfunction and filled the house with smoke ruining my ambiance and setting off all the fire alarms. The day Blossom hit me with her car I was wearing said bra. I was probably wearing the bra when I got my first sinus infection ever a few weeks back and I probably had it on the day our good friend teenage pizza chef decided to make smores with pizza dough. That was so wrong, chocolate, graham crackers, marshmallows and PIZZA DOUGH. It was the bra that made him do it. I just know it. Continue reading ‘Curse of The Hot Pink Brazier’

A Stranger Celebrates Sobriety

Published
by
Austin
on November 19, 2006
in Borderline Personality Disorder, General Chatter, Gratitude Journal, Mental Health and Relationships
. 1 Comment

I was in line to buy radically discounted chocolates. The line seemed to be dragging because the young cashier struck up a conversation with every customer. She wanted to know if they had any foreign coins she could have to add to her collection. She bragged about her Canadian coins and her coins from Mexico then about her coin from Zimbabwe. It became clear that she had mild retardation because of how she worded things but none the less her enthusiasm for coins gave way to complete strangers celebrating the 21st anniversary of one customer’s sobriety. The young cashier noticed a large coin in her wallet and said, “Oh you belong to the same club as a guy who just left.” The customer pulled out her AA coin and explained that on the 19th of this month she would celebrate 21 years of sobriety. The cashier said with a huge smile, “oh your family must be so proud of you.” The customer said they didn’t support her at all because of the mistakes she made when she was drinking. The cashier didn’t understand why but she never asked for further explanation as the line was getting longer. Once the customer said she had been sober nearly 21 years the lady behind me clapped and congratulated her. So there the whole line (6 people) clapped for her and congratulated her on her anniversary. A few stories were exchanged about personal sobriety, she gathered her purchases, thanked us for our support and left.

It never made sense to me why someone would turn to drinking or drugs until I started dealing with chronic pain and horrible anxiety attacks. Yesterday had someone offered me a joint to ease the anxiety there is no doubt in my mind I would have taken it. I thought about going across the street to see if a neighbor of mine had anything because the clonapin wasn’t working fast enough. I thought about this woman, I thought about Blossom and her sobriety, about Kathy, about others I know who have overcome addiction. I know they have set a good example of how to overcome this addiction, they’ve shared stories of how life was while using and it let me know that I just don’t want to travel down that road. It also has become clear to me that a person with an addiction doesn’t have some inherent flaw and that the most precious people, the most kind and loving high spirited people can fall to addiction. There is no evil within that causes a person to drink and become addicted. I never ever thought that, but I also never understood until recently just what drives a person to use and I never really grasped how easily a person can fall prey to addiction until recently either. Sometimes it’s as “simple” as numbing physical pain like with Blossom or numbing emotional pain like with Kathy. One thing is for certain, no one sets out to become an addict. I have a feeling that one day a person needs to numb and the next thing you know life is upside down and the losses rack up higher than you ever thought they could. I’ve heard of people losing everything, absolutely everything to drugs and other addictions. Blossom lost her family, her daughters and this customer lost her family over it too. It tells me two things, anyone can fall prey to this because everyone needs some sort of out let for pain whether it’s emotional or physical.

When it comes to abuse there are years that I can not get back, things stolen from me that I’ll never see again. As an informed adult I have to watch my step so as not to fall prey to numbing with substances that could take away what I’ve worked to preserve. People like this customer who celebrates her sobriety today show extra courage and strength when they pull out their coin and tell everyone that they have lasted 21 years without a drink or a drug and you can do it too. I was inspired by her and the reaction of the customers in line. They actually cheered for her. It was rather Hollywood but I thought it was nice and I think she appreciated it as well. All of this celebrating, all of the after thought occurred because one very social cashier asked everyone she waited on if they had any foreign coins. Its simple really, one conversation leads to another, leads to connection, leads to thought, leads to change and or prevention. I like simplicity, especially when it travels down complicated roads and lays understanding which leads to compassion.

CONGRATULATIONS DEAR STRANGER ON 21 YEARS OF SOBRIETY
and THANK YOU for your example of courage and the strength to overcome odds.

Austin

A Stranger Celebrates Sobriety
A Gratitude Monday entry- written Sunday, November 19, 2006-7:51AM EST

Full Blown Case of Self Doubt

Published
by
Austin
on November 19, 2006
in Mental Health and PTSD
. 1 Comment

Full Blown Self Doubt
Sunday, November 19, 2006-3:53AM EST

 

Today in the store I was in full panic mode. I had an anxiety attack in the store and had to come home. I panicked like that because I felt foolish about writing the last post I wrote today, like somehow I was rambling on saying nothing at all, making no sense thinking I was making perfect sense as the world sat behind their monitor laughing at me. I crumbled right there in the store, reached for a clonapin that wasn’t there and basically ran to the car so Blossom could drive me home. I’d forgotten my keys and the keys have a small vile of PRN’s on it. I lifted my shirt to see if my keys were somewhere attached to my pants on a clip that I couldn’t feel with frenzied hands. It wasn’t there. I got home and the panic attack was on. I did some deep breathing, held onto my mind for fear of losing it completely. I sat down and closed my eyes and drifted to sleep. I fear insanity, I fear people thinking oh this poor sick girl or thinking, well Austin is sick again. The thought is humiliating and that feeling of humiliation strangles me.

 

Austin

Where To From Here (for B.D.)

Published
by
Austin
on November 18, 2006
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and PTSD
. 3 Comments

This entry is in response to the entry by Beautiful Dreamer and the reply that I left on her journal. She talks about wanting a handbook for being a multiple and I try my dangdest to offer a little bit of insight into what is a DID problem and what is a problem relating to abuse without minimizing her feelings and experiences. I hope I accomplished at least the last part of that. So here is my all across the board thought process that I’m known for… I hope you can decipher this one Beautiful.

Well Beauty most handbooks are erroneous anyway. They’ve got advice for weight loss based on the Adkins diet. I mean come on, that diet doesn’t work… as a matter of fact people have died using it. And Ann Landers, as wry as she is, mostly spouts her opinion and has plenty of lawyers to back her up if her opinions backfire. Most of the world goes about life looking for a manual that isn’t there. Now, I don’t intend to make you feel all depressed by the lack of reliable manuals. What I mean to do is tell you that you’d be better off reading Sam I Am to find truth and guidance than read 100 how to be a multiple books.

Perhaps reading how to raise a child that has been sexually abused might be helpful in re-raising yourself and your inside family.
Perhaps reading a book about surviving divorce would help heal some of the hurt that is still there.

Also, if I can be so bold as to say this, many times having DID is not the cause of divorce but PTSD symptoms and Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms are. Our inability to truly trust, our choices in who we give our trust to, the way we cling then push away is often the true reason relationships fail for survivors of abuse, not just multiples but survivors. Hell, look who I’m with. And, I married a frikin murderer, unknowingly, but I did and it took me awhile to get away from him. We look to re-create situations that we hope to change, hope to win this time. That is not something exclusive to multiples.

It is difficult, almost impossible at times to get everyone inside to agree on one thing. the talking is incessant, the depression mind bending times how many insiders you have. The yo-yo, back and forth from I’m okay to I can’t keep going to numb to screaming inside back to laughing all in one day is something singleton’s usually do not have to deal with. They have no clue what it feels like to be one person then another and have to make sense of it all. But they also have no clue how to manage just one of their lives. They do not have a better understanding of love or the meaning of life because they only have one personality to deal with.

I will not lie to you, if I had the chance I’d be a singleton in a heartbeat but I wouldn’t want to give up the lessons I’ve learned with multiplicity. I’ve learned that nobody knows what they’re doing and that makes me just as tossed about as them. I’ve learned that it is better to withhold my hand and not strike than it is to let go and hurt someone else. I know what it can do. When a person has not experienced the amount of pain that a multiple has (and it takes a lot to become a multiple) then they sometimes do not always grasp the full extent of their actions. In some ways multiples have a better understanding of the world because we were dealt a cruel hand by that world but when it all comes down to it I think people in general toss about and toil not really knowing what to do next. They look at books and TV shows to figure that out. In that way I think multiples are just like everybody else. We lose touch with what we want to do. We lose touch with our hopes and our dreams just like they do.

I wish it wasn’t so odd that I switch in public. I wish it wasn’t so odd that there is a part so timid that leaving the house is not an option. I wish I did not fear that if a part speaks to people she’s going to offend and be unnecessarily cruel and leave the rest of us to do damage control. I wish I could have sex like everyone else and not become violently angry or immobilized by depression. But wait, hang on, others do that too, including people who happen to only be one person. My point in all this is the only major thing being singleton has over being multiple is less noise and fewer people to make happy. I believe everything else is the same. The reason I’d give it up in a heartbeat is that it would make some things a hell of a lot easier. It wouldn’t take away my difficulties with relationships, my trust and abandonment issues, my nightmares, my fear of mothers and mother figures, my fear of beds and a ton of other things. I believe that those who were abused but did not split suffer with the same PTSD symptoms and borderline symptoms that we do. I believe that those who went to war suffer with PTSD symptoms like ours, sleep problems like ours, trust, startle responses and the like. Most of the problems come from abuse (war is abuse) and how it shaped our view of the world in our adult life. If I were to become a singleton today these issues would still be here. Oh it would be a lot quieter in my head and basic choices would be easier but the other stuff would still exist. To cure that, or to tame it will take the very same thing for me as it does for people with one personality.

Lastly, just to make sure I’m clear, most of the time the problems you and I deal with have more to do with symptoms of an abused child than symptoms of someone with DID. Let me know if any of this made sense. You may have to clear out the rambling to do that.

Smiles to you and yours,

Austin