Confidence In Sexuality Part 1 of 2
Tuesday, December 19, 2006-1:42AM EST
Whenever I meet friends of Barney or friends of Blossom or even of UK next door I worry that I look too butch and that after I leave someone asks, “Is Austin gay?” Today I met Twister, Blossom’s friend, and I worried that I looked too butch. I was so self conscious at the pizza shop, at the coffee shop and everywhere until I was dropped off at home. I kept thinking, man, she must be so embarrassed. She swears she’s not but I worry.
When I first moved here UK said to me that our neighbor the nurse and the crack head down the street asked if I was gay. Do I look that dang on butch? I asked her. She said I didn’t but why would they ask that? If it’s the chain on my wallet perhaps I should go around explaining that I’ll lose the thing if it’s not chained to me. Is it the baseball cap? I can’t do anything at all about that. I have to have something to hide my eyes from everyone when I fall into my timid mode aka Maureen. We have to be able to hide our eyes in that ostrich false sense of safety manner. If I can’t see you then you can’t see me and I’m safe. If I wore a ski mask it would look rather odd but a Chicago Cubs baseball hat doesn’t draw attention to me more than it should. It doesn’t scream out, “I don’t want you to see my face” like a ski mask would or say…a paper bag or a Groucho Marx mustache, nose and glasses. A girl’s gotta hide somehow.
People say all the time, I don’t care who’s gay and whose straight but smoke break conversations, a quit gossip session between friends tell a different story.
“You know so-in-so is gay?”
“Noooo!”
“I found out the other day.”
“Oh my gawd!”
It’s a quick conversation that you share and then tell others you don’t really care who’s banging whom but these private conversations are a little more than gossip. What gets me is no one says,
“You know so-in-so is straight?”
“Nooooo!”
“Yeah, caught her kissing some guy yesterday.”
“Oh my gawd!”
If people didn’t care neighbors wouldn’t whisper and looks wouldn’t get passed and I wouldn’t have to worry that I might, just might, wear comfortable shoes and have comfort mistaken for some lesbian statement. A baseball cap and tennis shoes somehow makes a statement that I’m not even trying to make. It’s a true statement but its not something I’m trying to advertise with my wardrobe. This leads me to the second part of this sort of rant rave post. Advertising sexuality seems to cause such a stir when that advertisement is of a homosexual nature.
J of A
It is ridiculous. Who cares if someone is gay? Unwanted advances from a pushy man offend me equally as much as unwanted advances from a pushy woman, and I’m straight. Someone who politely accepts no for an answer has my respect. It doesn’t matter what their gender is.