The People Behind My Eyes

For The Therapist-Thursday, December 28, 2006-12:15 midnight

General ongoing therapy issues
I am not med compliant.
Either no sleep or lots of sleep which is pretty normal for me

The mother was quite adamant about how men do not respect women they have any kind of sex with but especially oral. Sex with men was like having your very self stolen and kept as a cruel souvenir of robbery. Once inside you, you can’t get them out she says. Disturbing dream theme: blow jobs. I dream about giving one when I feel like I’m being screwed over by someone with little or no control over the situation i.e. my current land lord and this whole eviction thing. Thank goodness he wasn’t the recipient in the dream. I’d have to start smoking something other than menthol if it was him in that dream. My gracious! Lots of nightmares about my mother showing up in places she shouldn’t be like in my house when I didn’t know she was there. I expected her to show up on Christmas Day at midnight like she has done other times. She didn’t show up.

I didn’t do my therapy assignment. I could rush through it now but I don’t want to do it half assed.

ADL’s
Hygiene is decent but not what I should be.

I’ve been cleaning like a fool. I whipped through the house like a white tornado the other day but it feels like I never do enough. I can clean 500 sq feet in less than an hour, re-arrange the closets, clean both full size bedrooms, the restroom, do a few loads of laundry, sweep the entire apartment, toss in a load of dishes and still feel like I’ve not done enough. Now move to making a loaf of bread by hand then putting together a good size meal for three. Still feels like I’ve not done enough in one day. I feel badly that I’ve not sent out a lot of emails or gone to one of the most important journals that I use to frequent. It is not enough to say I think about you a lot because she can’t read my mind. I don’t like sending out half assed emails either so I haven’t even sent her an email.

I’ve eaten well- beef Manhattan, grilled chicken w/ peppered bacon on focaccia bread, polish sausage, carrots, potatoes and green beans, chili, grilled fish and mushroom with zucchini quiche, lots of junk food. I cook most of my meals from scratch. I still enjoy cooking. I haven’t lost interest in that. When that interest goes I really start to get concerned about myself.

Medical
I made all my doc appointments except for one. I didn’t make the ultra sound for my thyroid. The MRI went well. Thank goodness I’m not claustrophobic or I’d have been in trouble with the MRI. That machine was tiny. The tech was funny and so was the staff so the appointment itself went well. I fell asleep during the MRI. I should know something by Wednesday after the new years stuff ends.

Agenda for my session
Anger outbursts have increased but I now know who it is that is having difficulties. Knowing who gives us a better idea of what the issue is. She is angry let me tell you but she does not know how communicate her difficulties. Crystal just throws stuff. She’s so angry and so overtaken by that anger that she can’t even talk, she just throws stuff.

See ya in a bit,

Austin