My name is ——- I’m 35 years old.
Today is Tuesday December 19th, 2006 and I am a safe adult.
The old rules do not apply.
I have the same relative control and relative safety that other adults have over their life. Adulthood is a blessing because you are granted choices whereas in childhood they are limited or completely missing. I am a responsible and relatively safe adult capable of making good choices.
I just got hit with this bad girl syndrome again. I feel like I’m about to lose everything right now, I mean not everything because I have a few more months left here but I won’t be able to take Gracie or Bella with me and that just hurts unbearably. I have to be out of here in the spring and I have no idea where I’m going to go.
I stopped the rent check to Jack off Barney because it was just too cold back here. I wasn’t getting any heat whatsoever. I told him this and he simply didn’t act so I stopped my check and purchased heaters then gave him the remainder of the check minus what it cost me to have the check stopped. I did tell him that I wasn’t going to pay him what it cost me to stop the check. He said, “I don’t care what you said. It’s not right.” I turned around and walked away. (I had my baseball cap on to hide any possible glimpse that I might be shaking inside or about to tear up.) I didn’t even respond to him, I just walked away. All I wanted was heat and now instead of getting heat and a place to stay I got evicted. I have to be out during the spring. It’s easy enough to say that I needed to move but what is not easy is finding a place I can afford and a place where I can take the two cats. Captain isn’t a problem it’s the two cats, Cap is certified so no one can legally refuse him.
I needed to punch this out and get it off my chest because I’m having two more visitors in about an hour or so. I’ll have a nice house full shortly. Its just that I kicked into, you’re such a fuck up this is why your mother was so mean because you just blah, blah, blah, blah fucking blah! I’d rather curl up and not deal with anything at all but I’d sink deep into myself and right now that would just mean I’d drowned in the lies my mother told me about just how bad I am. I can’t swim right now so I’m staying out of the “water”.
It took everything I had to not hurt me today, to not cut or bang my head against the wall…something, anything to feel something other than what I’m feeling right now. That’s why I cut, to throw my body into a totally different direction…to break the intensity before that intensity builds and fucks me up so badly that I lose my mind and possibly really hurt myself. Sometimes people aren’t quite sure why another person would take a blade to themselves but when you need that immediate release, something to take you from 10 to 0 faster, something to shatter that intensity instead of waiting for it to build and maybe losing control of yourself then lifting your own hand with a blade doesn’t seem so odd. There are times when waiting it out could mean ending things permanently. That wait is what is dangerous for me. Cutting is dangerous too but waiting it out, waiting for it to peak then pass could lead to more permanent type things and that is why I’d pick up a blade to shatter the intensity right now and not take the chance that later down the line I’ll lose so much control of myself that cutting is no longer all I want to do.
I keep expecting him to call me by my birth name. He doesn’t even know it but I keep expecting him to yell out that name with a disappointed tone.
I got to bed a bit after 8am this morning. It was a hard night and a very bad few hours of sleep. I have to get grounded before my company comes here.
Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride
December 24th, 2006 at 1:08 am eone out of two isn’t bad, i guess. T number 2 sounds like you said, a wacko!! 3 sessions and you are cured, uh-huh and I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger. and he has a license of some sort? maybe Barney should go see him and get cured.I don’t blame you for being upset, not one bit.
john w