Monthly Archive for December, 2006

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Unbound

Published on December 26, 2006 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Poetry, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

I will not stand still or hope without cause
Or leave my mind burdened with baggage
Leave it weeping and tired.
Moments of joy skip over my sorrow filled mind
Like rocks on a pond they sink never to resurface
But not today
Today in a sigh of relief I began to breathe, to really breathe.

Tired shoulders hold burdens not even mine
Responsibility heaped upon them high like great mountains and someone else’s
Crimes attached to my spine to mark each step as black and dirty, black and dirty.
But today, the weight of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow slip down the back of my neck like a cold chill
I shiver at the thought of this freedom
At the thought of not wearing regret upon my heart or guilt as shoes
I wonder how I will walk with feet unbound
With burdens that are only mind
With dreams that come true or ones I toss away at my choosing
I wonder how I walk with feet unbound

Austin

Unbound
Tuesday, December 26, 2006-3:58AM EST

Anger As A Protection

Published on December 26, 2006 in Female Sadist, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy. 7 Comments Tags: .

Anger As A Protection
Tuesday, December 26, 2006-4:01AM EST

I’ve read a few entries lately about letting go of hate and anger. I’ve read three different times about how someone benefited from letting go of anger but I thought I’d write about how I think anger has served as a protection for me. If I let go of anger for the mother there is the chance that I’ll begin to trust her again. If I trust her again and let my guard down I leave myself open to being hurt again.

My mother is still living and not even that far away from my home. She’s about 45 min via the highway which to me isn’t that far away. It would be easy to say, yes I’ll meet you for lunch or yes I’ll call you at noon. It would be easy to do if I let my guard down and stopped being angry. No, I don’t have to meet her or talk to her on the phone if I let go of anger but my point is, if I let go of that anger then I let go of what I feel protects me from being harmed again. If I for one second let go of the need for justice (separation of myself from her) then I make room for her to creep back in and plant doubt in my mind about all that happened. She’s a sneaky, conniving and formidable woman. Well, she’s not formidable anymore. She’s wheelchair bound and on oxygen suffering from COPD. She never smoked a cigarette in her life but her death will be suffocation. I find that quite interesting since she did her best to snuff the life out of her children every chance she could get. It’s irony at its best.

Continue reading ‘Anger As A Protection’

Galactic Bitch Syndrome – Galactic Killer of Joy

Published on December 26, 2006 in Art, Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships and Soapbox. 2 Comments

The anxiety has been unreal. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I kicked into some coping skills. I would have turned on my rock garden but Blossom stole it. It’s at her house so I opened my window and listened to the rain turn to snow. We have about 2 inches right now.

Blossom is manic and I think that is very uncomfortable for her. I have to remember to show a bit more patients with her during these times. I believe her mania is almost as uncomfortable as her depression. She is visibly stressed and I do feel for her. I have to force myself to do all my smart ass comments on the journal so that I can think clearly and respond with a touch of kindness when speaking with her.

I know it must sound horrible that I go off on people on the net. I do it so I don’t go off on them face to face. If I’ve already worked out my sarcasm and anger then by the time I talk to them the fire has died down and I can be a bit more reasonable. There is actually a method to my journal madness. Continue reading ‘Galactic Bitch Syndrome – Galactic Killer of Joy’

Galactic Bitch Syndrome

Published on December 25, 2006 in Mental Health and Relationships. 3 Comments

GB Syndrome
Monday, December 25, 2006-1:46AM EST

 

I hope I’m over my galactic bitch syndrome (GBS) by tomorrow afternoon when Blossom shows up. Argh! I am soooo not in the mood for ANYTHING! I’m having some hormonal issues at the moment and I swear I’m not in the mood for whining and moaning. Calgone take me away! I can’t leave her alone on Christmas Day because she’s going to be depressed and what not but what about my needs? My needs for chocolate and salty things followed by chick flicks and an occasional kick ass film with cars being blown up and guns being fired for the fun of it? Will she even bother to bring any fudge? I think not, it’s cause she’s selfish!!! Always thinking about herself, only Blossom. Blossom this, Blossom that! She’d better bring some damn chocolate or stay home!

My goodness I need some sleep. Another up all night post filled with silliness…. only I’m for real about my moodiness. I have been testy all friggin day long.

It’s time to hit the sack.

This PMS moment has been brough to you by Eli Lilly, makers of Prozac and the Hersheys Chocolate Co, makers of the other serotonin “medication”.

Austin

Disorders Don’t Take a Holiday

Published on December 24, 2006 in Mental Health and PTSD. 0 Comments

Disorders Don’t Take a Holiday
Sunday, December 24, 2006-2:30PM EST

Absolutely everything in life continues as it will no matter what event is planned to pause and be grateful or pause and exchange spiritual encouragement or material goods. Cancer doesn’t stop for Christmas, eating disorders don’t stop for Kwanzaa, Lupus does not stop for Easter and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome doesn’t stop for the Sukkah, Eid-Al-Adha, Vesak or Parsi. Life with all its joys and sorrows will continue no matter what day of the month and year it is. If one could turn issues off and on at will the word disorder would not follow the name given to their ailment. It would be called such-and-such order but it’s not.

It seems there are many people right now struggling with the holiday that is coming up. I will have everyone in mind these next few days because I know its going to be hard to deal with issues and family or to deal with family members who have issues or an illness. So this is what I have to say to you all: please remember that if for one special day your loved one could drop everything and give you the memory you need for this holiday they would. They’d do it in a heartbeat. Please be patient; please know that disorders work on their own schedule and not according to man’s calendar year. For those living with a disorder, remember two things 1) issues are stronger during this time. You must be aware of your triggers and take care to remember your coping skills. The second thing to remember is – don’t make this day about your disorder. Give what you are able to give emotionally but remember this day isn’t about you but about your family and loved ones. No, life does not stop because of a holiday but take care not to focus soley on yourself.

Please be patient yourself and with one another.
Your sister survivor,

Austin of Sundrip Journals

My reply to John W (chi gong)

Published on December 24, 2006 in Mental Health. 0 Comments
  1. john w Says:
    December 24th, 2006 at 1:08 am eone out of two isn’t bad, i guess. T number 2 sounds like you said, a wacko!! 3 sessions and you are cured, uh-huh and I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger. and he has a license of some sort? maybe Barney should go see him and get cured.I don’t blame you for being upset, not one bit.
    john w

Austin says:

This is written in that same dry tone as the other entry but I did laugh through most of this.

Continue reading ‘My reply to John W (chi gong)’

A Dedicated Moment

Published on December 23, 2006 in Therapy. 1 Comment

You know, when things in my life start heating up and it gets too much to handle I turn to the mundane….things like Hollywood gossip…that’s my newest distraction from life’s missiles.

This Hollywood Gossip moment is dedicated to Beautiful Dreamer in the name of all that is shallow and pointless.

So, did you know Nicole Richie was caught driving while drunk? That’s right,I went there, :-) Nicole Richie has a pending DUI court date. Then to make matters worse Entertainment Tonight went and gave her a reason to go right back to anorexia. They reported that she ate a hamburger and then said, “how many calories were in that?” They were just cruel. I was so mad for all the girls struggling with eating disorders. How does someone eating a hamburger make ET news? They made fun of her for eating!!! I was furious. That is not mundane though. The damage they could have done with making fun of her makes me sooo angry.

Now why do I have this filed under therapy? Because this is my newest coping skill. I don’t pick up the really bad habits, not when things can be nipped in the bud by a bit of Hollywood gossip. Oh, by the way, I don’t care if Donald The Great and Rosie O kill each other. I don’t like either one of ‘em. I feel sorry for Barbara Walters though, poor thing. Is that K-Fed in Britney Spears’ new bimbo perfume commercial? Oh my goodness! That better not be K-Fed-up! That guy is a bum, a very attractive bum. AND ANOTHER THING did you know that Mr. Nazi himself (Mel Gibson) has a DUI conviction in Canada and that if he gets caught driving while drunk again he’ll go to jail? Hmm, it only takes twice to go to jail in Canada but it takes killing someone to go to jail here! Hmmm makes you think, eh?

….. that’s all for now.

Dedicated to Beautiful Dreamer

Austin (using coping skills left and right)