Monthly Archive for December, 2006

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The New Therapist

Published on December 23, 2006 in For the Record and Therapy. 2 Comments

I haven’t gotten around to writing about the movie review. This whole pneumonia thing is trying it’s hardest to come back.

I saw my new therapist again. I like him. I saw the second guy and he was wacko. He told me he could cure me in 3 sessions with his “ancient Chinese” secrets. He said that my chi is out of order and that if this life force of mine can be centered (through chi gong) then I would be able to get over PTSD and all that. He said he usually doesn’t have to see a client more than 6 times. Blossom said it’s not that they’re cured its simply that they don’t come back. Amen! He asked when I wanted to come back. I said I don’t. He asked why so I told him “I don’t trust you and I think you’re a quack.” He was a bit shocked that I would be so straight forward but you know when you whip out moon rocks and start telling me about how my chi is out of order then I just might have to be a bit blunt.

The man all but levitated so I took my chi and went home. Hands off my chi mister, we don’t know each other that well! so now when I need an excuse not to do something I’ll tell people, “I’m sorry I can’t, my chi isn’t balanced today.” Okay so I saw that man for 50 min and left. I wondered why on earth he didn’t let people know first hand that he was into holistic healing or whatever. I thought I was going to a psychotherapist’s office but nope he wanted to guide this little grasshopper to a balanced life force through ancient Chinese secrets. I about died when he said that! Are you serious sir? There’s a way to say something like that. He should have told me way before the end of the session that he was into holistic stuff and not “traditional” therapy. He might as well have whipped out some store bought Ramen noodles, he was that Asian authentic! Give me a brake. I could get more authentic Asian secrets from a cracker jack box than from that sorry guy. Heck the cracker jack company is known for its “decoders.” I’m sure they have one for ancient secrets. He was unbelievable! But, I did like the REAL psychotherapist, the one who didn’t whip out moon rocks and what not. I like him. he didn’t have a chance at first because he isn’t Dr. B but I have this rule I will see any half assed therapist 3 times before making a real judgement. The moon guy did not fall under that rule. Dang it, I missed my chance to be cured in 3 sessions. Argh! What is wrong with me? He seemed to think I didn’t want to get better. He asked who among Morton’s Pride didn’t want to heal or get better and who would object to his healing. How about all of us Dr. You Don’t Know Jack Crap About Nothin!

Had he let me know up front that he wasn’t into “traditional” therapy I wouldn’t have been shocked but there was no indication, no mention of moon rocks and secrets. Little Grasshopper took her chi and high taled right on out of there. Captain didn’t like him either. He kept his eye on him. Should have bitten him right in the ars but there’s no telling if the man had rabbis or not he was talking off the wall…it was only a matter of time before he started foaming at the mouth….he should have warned me and I wouldn’t have been so shocked…idiot! Had he been wearing his “I’m stupid” sign we could have avoided all of this but nope, he wasn’t wearing his sign…now look where we are! Should have just worn the sign!… idiot!

Robert

Bad Girl Syndrome

Published on December 19, 2006 in Mental Health, PTSD and Relationships. 8 Comments

My name is ——- I’m 35 years old.
Today is Tuesday December 19th, 2006 and I am a safe adult.
The old rules do not apply.
I have the same relative control and relative safety that other adults have over their life. Adulthood is a blessing because you are granted choices whereas in childhood they are limited or completely missing. I am a responsible and relatively safe adult capable of making good choices.

I just got hit with this bad girl syndrome again. I feel like I’m about to lose everything right now, I mean not everything because I have a few more months left here but I won’t be able to take Gracie or Bella with me and that just hurts unbearably. I have to be out of here in the spring and I have no idea where I’m going to go.

I stopped the rent check to Jack off Barney because it was just too cold back here. I wasn’t getting any heat whatsoever. I told him this and he simply didn’t act so I stopped my check and purchased heaters then gave him the remainder of the check minus what it cost me to have the check stopped. I did tell him that I wasn’t going to pay him what it cost me to stop the check. He said, “I don’t care what you said. It’s not right.” I turned around and walked away. (I had my baseball cap on to hide any possible glimpse that I might be shaking inside or about to tear up.) I didn’t even respond to him, I just walked away. All I wanted was heat and now instead of getting heat and a place to stay I got evicted. I have to be out during the spring. It’s easy enough to say that I needed to move but what is not easy is finding a place I can afford and a place where I can take the two cats. Captain isn’t a problem it’s the two cats, Cap is certified so no one can legally refuse him.

I needed to punch this out and get it off my chest because I’m having two more visitors in about an hour or so. I’ll have a nice house full shortly. Its just that I kicked into, you’re such a fuck up this is why your mother was so mean because you just blah, blah, blah, blah fucking blah! I’d rather curl up and not deal with anything at all but I’d sink deep into myself and right now that would just mean I’d drowned in the lies my mother told me about just how bad I am. I can’t swim right now so I’m staying out of the “water”.

It took everything I had to not hurt me today, to not cut or bang my head against the wall…something, anything to feel something other than what I’m feeling right now. That’s why I cut, to throw my body into a totally different direction…to break the intensity before that intensity builds and fucks me up so badly that I lose my mind and possibly really hurt myself. Sometimes people aren’t quite sure why another person would take a blade to themselves but when you need that immediate release, something to take you from 10 to 0 faster, something to shatter that intensity instead of waiting for it to build and maybe losing control of yourself then lifting your own hand with a blade doesn’t seem so odd. There are times when waiting it out could mean ending things permanently. That wait is what is dangerous for me. Cutting is dangerous too but waiting it out, waiting for it to peak then pass could lead to more permanent type things and that is why I’d pick up a blade to shatter the intensity right now and not take the chance that later down the line I’ll lose so much control of myself that cutting is no longer all I want to do.

I keep expecting him to call me by my birth name. He doesn’t even know it but I keep expecting him to yell out that name with a disappointed tone.

I got to bed a bit after 8am this morning. It was a hard night and a very bad few hours of sleep. I have to get grounded before my company comes here.

Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride

Lie Down

Published on December 19, 2006 in Dreams and Mental Health. 0 Comments

I’ve been putting off sleep big time. I never got back to sleep from earlier today. I can’t convince myself to go to bed. I can’t shut my mind off. It’s 7:44AM what am I doing still up when I have a 12:30 am ultrasound on my thyroid? Argh! I should have taken some chamomile or something hours upon hours ago. Sheshh!

Austin

Confidence In Sexuality Part 1 of 2

Published on December 19, 2006 in Segments and Soapbox. 1 Comment Tags: .

Confidence In Sexuality Part 1 of 2
Tuesday, December 19, 2006-1:42AM EST

Whenever I meet friends of Barney or friends of Blossom or even of UK next door I worry that I look too butch and that after I leave someone asks, “Is Austin gay?” Today I met Twister, Blossom’s friend, and I worried that I looked too butch. I was so self conscious at the pizza shop, at the coffee shop and everywhere until I was dropped off at home. I kept thinking, man, she must be so embarrassed. She swears she’s not but I worry.

Continue reading ‘Confidence In Sexuality Part 1 of 2′

Confidence In Sexuality Part 2 of 2

Published on December 19, 2006 in Segments and Soapbox. 2 Comments Tags: , .

Advertising Homosexuality
Tuesday, December 19, 2006-2:04PM EST

When a person comes to my house they won’t see the rainbow flag flying from my deck or see a shrine to lesbian authors and DVD’s of famous lesbian actresses. You won’t see the pink triangle placed in the corner of every room or see some symbol professing my undying love for all woman kind. You’ll never hear me call God a woman or any other stereotypical thing like that. If I had a vehicle I wouldn’t have a rainbow flag on it or the sign for diversity or equality on it but if I did, it would be cause for debate. Why do homosexuals feel the need to advertise? That’s the question I get all the time and then they go into this whole speech about how they don’t put a sticker of themselves bounking some girl on their car. Yes you do! I see pictures of half naked girls on trucks all the time, on the splash thing by the tires, on the windshield of cars and vans or any other type vehicle that’ll hold such a bumper sticker or graphic art. Do I tell them to stop advertising their heterosexuality? No, because people advertise all sorts of things.

I’m a democrat.
This car use to belong to my ex-husband
Continue reading ‘Confidence In Sexuality Part 2 of 2′

Blossom at Full Bloom

Published on December 18, 2006 in Gratitude Journal and Relationships. 2 Comments

Blossom at Full Bloom
Monday, December 18, 2006-4:12PM EST

 

We went to confront Blossom’s therapist and I must say Blossom did a full bloom today. When she left she was glowing, not a glow of pride but of strength. She did very well! I think I hugged her like 5 times but I shook her hand first because that was a very proud moment. When you report abuse like this it may not get the immediate attention it needs but it may end up like it was today, being the straw that broke the camels back. I told Blossom that if she reports this it’s not just for her but for others who might see this therapist down the line. It appears that Blossom’s report was enough to have this therapist relieved of her position. The lady stops working there shortly and I truly believe that Blossoms report was the last straw. She wasn’t sure if the director of the center believed her but he called the two together for a meeting and she announced her departure to Blossom. Blossom told her that she hopes where ever she goes she’ll remember the oath she took, “First do no harm.” I thought it was really cool that she told her that. She said that the therapist was as cold as she was in all her sessions but that she felt very in control of herself, didn’t blank out under pressure or clam up due to being over run by emotion. I was so proud of her for coming forward. She told the “therapist” that even if no one else ever came forward her voice would be on record saying that what she did was wrong and that maybe someone else might walk away and say nothing but that she felt it was vital to stand up and say, “you can’t hurt me like this.” This therapist was horrible. She doubted that Blossom’s father was dying. She told her that she smelled and felt she needed to air out the room before accepting another patient. She pretty much told her not to talk about sexual abuse issues and wanted her to stop acting like she had major issues and get a job. This woman hit from all angles! Blossom came back and hit from one, head on. Man she did so well! I will be mailing her a card congratulating her on a job well done.

Today she said she didn’t think she’d done any real work since she started therapy September 11th of this year. I told her she had. When was it before now that you would have come up for air when someone treated you like this? You’ve grown on your own in so many ways. I told her of course there is still stuff to be done but the fact that she had enough self respect and strength to stand up for herself shows that she is not the person she was even 6 months ago. I can’t tell you how proud of her I am. When she was with Monkey Boy he walked all over her, stole from her, cheated and was just a regular crack addict. He was a horrible person that walked all over her emotionally and financially. The person she was then is still around but not always the dominant force now, which is why I started calling her Blossom. I’ve seen growth and I like it. I took a picture of her today because I liked the glow of strength on her face. It’s something I want to remember and something I hope she remembers.

Today I got my second get well card ever. I was thrilled! It even had a little duck on it. I think I ran my hands over the felt and leapt with joy like a 6 year old child. I still have the very first one I ever got. It’s wrapped and put up like some sort of priceless document. It has company now. The smallest things mean so much.

I’ve got to get some sleep. I’m exhausted. I suppose I should open up my email box and respond to a few emails but the doggie bed is calling my name. I’ve got to get some sleep. Yes, I’m still on the dog’s bed.

Austin’s August

Sleep

Published on December 18, 2006 in For the Record and Poetry. 2 Comments

Where are you? Why did you leave me? Have I been such a bad companion that you flee the first chance you get? Do I have bad morning breath? Do I snore so loudly that you can’t do your job and rock me, comfort me, lul me to a comfortable rest? What can I do to make you come back to me? I’d offer money but you know I have none. what other way can I bribe you?
I tossed. I turned. I got up to see if the sun was up, it wasn’t. I tossed, turned, got up to see if the sun was up, it was. Oh my goodness I need some sleep. This is going to be a very long day. Today Blossom goes back to that horrible therapist who told her she stinks and who said she didn’t believe her father was dying. She’s confronting her today and I’m going for moral support. The shape I’m in, I hope I’m some sort of support. I just need some sleep.

Austin