I finally finished the male body I was doing. That took long enough, my goodness. It usually takes me no more than half a day but this stupid thing took 3 days. It’s called Tribulation. You can’t see any body “parts” on the image but if there is even a hint of nudity I’ll always make the picture thumbnail size. If you want to see a larger view click the pic and you’ll be directed to that entry on the art blog. Now, onto other things…….
There are two things that won’t be in Aussie’s world- therapy twice a week & rude dollar store workers.
Therapy– I can’t do therapy twice a week. My goodness I feel like I’ve been through the ringer. Twice a week is too much. I didn’t have the guts to tell him that Tuesday but tomorrow is the day. I have to tell him or I’ll spend the rest of my time at home with fybro flare ups and a body beaten down. I can not do this. I feel like crap. You could bounce a quarter off my muscles they’re so tight.
Rude $ store worker– I decided not to speak to that workers supervisor but directly to him. I intend to tell him very kindly that when I’m in that store he is to pretend I’m not that way we don’t have to go to his supervisor. The guy needs a job and I understand that but I won’t switch stores just because he’s there. So, Friday when I pop in there I’ll address that situation. It’s crazy to think I once took clonapin to manage his presence. That’s crazy. So, Friday I’ll speak to him and see if we can’t straighten this thing out. I plan to put it away after that. The next move is on him. I’d suggest he comply…it’s just a suggestion but a good one I think. Calling me trash, oh I got your trash for you…sure do. No, I won’t be ghetto when I talk to him or even aggressive but he’ll get the point. No long winded explanations just a simple statement ending with a click of the heals and a clear view of my backside walking away.
Onto more important stuff—I feel like I’ve neglected people. I haven’t really been around that much and when I have been it’s been hit and miss. I’ve answered so few emails it’s pitiful. I suppose I’ll be back around soon. I’ve gotta hit the sheets.
Aussie
I’m not your average squirrel but I am an average nut.
There’s a new digital cam in town, well, there will be in two months anyway. I found a Polaroid at Wally World that will go in the layaway on the 3rd when I get my pennies from the government. I feel so stifled without a camera. It was my therapy, an art tool, fun and games. I was attached to that thing and truthfully it did quite well for quite some time. Like all good cams, it had to go into digital arrest. I tried artificial resuscitation (I changed the batteries to brand new rechargeable ones) but despite all my efforts it couldn’t be revived. That was several months ago. I’ve tried to move on but it’s slow, a process I guess. In order to move on I’ve decided to put a new cam in the layaway. I’ll put down half this month and get it out next month. I look forward to it. Video with voice in either MPEG-4 or AVI, nice mega pixels at 5.1, and it shoots in colour, as well as negative, black & white, sepia, mosaic, blue, green and red. Now, there are better cams out there with functions that others desire over the different types of images you can shoot but this one seems to fit me well. I can’t say I’m disappointed about having the shutter open as little as 1/2000 second and as long as 8 full seconds. I’m sooooo going to love this especially at $99.87.
I have an anniversary coming up. My Independence Day is February 2nd so I don’t feel so badly about putting half down. I can call it an Indy Day present to myself. So no longer will I visit blogs such as Velvet Sacks and Life at Stars Rest and see photos and weep. No more…well, I mean more for two months but after that I shall again post photos. I’ve missed so much record keeping of Bella growing up. I feel almost lost without a cam. Like I said, it was therapy, it was for art work and for fun. I miss it. It’s been too long. Two months isn’t that much longer to wait, not when I know what it is I’m waiting for. Yippee for me!
Aussie
Stepping On My Toes
There’s a store that a I frequent where everything is one dollar. I get cleaning supplies there and paper products. As with other places I go I know the cashiers and stuff and we talk and mess around and everything. Well, a guy that works there wants to hug me. That doesn’t work. I’m not a touchy feely person. Two times now he’s tried to hug me. The last time I left the store I was shaking inside. I couldn’t catch my breath so I stepped outside while Blossom got her stuff. Today, that guy, the worker in the store, said I was evil because I didn’t hug him. I just passed it off. I use the word evil all the time and most of the time I don’t mean it in it’s literal form but later in the store when he passed me he told his manager I was a piece of trash and to kick me out of the store. It seems odd that someone would say that about a person, especially to their manager. This guy is mild MR and I understand that he is trying very hard to get to know Blossom and me but today’s comment was overboard. It hurt. It was not what I needed to hear.
Therapy went okay. I still feel rather raw inside which is why I think it hurt so much to be called trash. I know he wasn’t trying to be mean. I kinda know the guy, only from working there so I know he isn’t a cruel guy. It’s just that I wish he’d chosen different words, at least today anyway. And yeah, I am making excuses for him. I worked with mildly mentally retarded (MR) to profound mentally retarded adults so I know that his actions were not something others would do. Who actually says to their supervisor, “she’s trash, throw her out of here?” so my point is, even though his words hurt he did not do so with malice. He wants human connection so he wants me to hug him. I can’t and won’t offer him that. I made that clear which is probably why he replied, “you’re so evil.”
When a person steps on your toes it hurts. Even if they didn’t mean to the pain is still there. So I guess what I’m trying to say is even though he did not set out to hurt my feelings he still did.
I have to go to sleep now
Maureen
I guess I’m spamming myself now! I tried to leave a comment on two blogs today and ended up having my email sent to their spam box. I logged out and sent a comment to my own blog and guess what, that comment went straight to my spam box. This is crazy! What I’m spamming my own blog or something? I’m sending myself fake comments about this that and the other? Good Lord, maybe one of my insiders has a part-time spam job I don’t know about. They better be getting paid for it too or their efforts will be met with strict verbal assaults describing with clear but very un-Christian descriptions of what I’ll do to them if they don’t start making money at this illegal activity. I hate to break the leg of an alter but if I’m pushed to it then so be it. (pointing finger at my nose) DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE!
Now why would WordPress have me on the spam list? My goodness! I’ve never done that to anybody. But then ya know, the other day I left a comment on a blog back to back and got one of those error messages from the usually funny error message guy that said to slow down I was commenting too fast. Argh! What? That might be where all this trouble is coming from, I had the nerve to leave 2 comments on a blog that I’ve commented on before. When I didn’t ask her to buy something that is surely to change her life forever the WP program should have released me from the cursed spam category. But nope, they had to do that blogger profiling (that’s the new racial profiling only for bloggers.) They had to profile me like that and now I’m on some list someplace. So, I hope my blogger buddies (the ones I visit regularly who know I’m not a scum spammer)..I hope they check their spam box to recover me from spam purgatory or I’ll get trashed and that comment will spend eternity in spam hell. Oh, won’t someone save my poor blogger soul from spam damnation? Why, why me? I even had to recover my own comment for this entry.
Aussie
Recently I’ve run across two letters written by a survivor to their inner child concerning their feelings about that inner child. They were quite revealing, very emotional and something I’m sure survivors can relate to. I figured I’d give a go at one.
Dear Little Me,
Back then, I wish the adult me could have been with you. I would have told her she couldn’t treat you that way but I would not have stood guard by your room to watch over you or picked you up when she threw you down. I would not have given you food from my plate or held you when you feared her most because we wouldn’t have stayed. Had I been an adult with you back then I would have used resources available to me to walk out of there and manage on our own.
I know very well that living with her was hell. I know how afraid you were. I know how tired you were. How on earth could you sleep in her house and rest? The song she sang, the one she sang when her heart wasn’t on fire and she wasn’t in the mood to hurt you, that song was never heard enough and I’m sorry for that. I just think that even though your heart could rest when she sang that song that it was wrong to need to hear it just to assure your safety. She was wrong. Continue reading ‘From Me to Me’
I think reading blogs today is the wrong thing for me to do. I seem to break easily in the last few days and each word I read I crumble a little more. So I need to take a little break, do some artwork, some housework and things along that line. I feel raw right now, I’m not so much over that one tiny session I had where we went over one single solitary memory. That was an ugly session.
There’s new artwork on the art blog but other than that I really don’t have much to say. I don’t know if I’ll have much to say so I must just do more artwork. I’m wobbling back and forth between tearful and enraged. I need to get a handle and I can’t do that unless I sit back and try and catch my breath.
Austin
Eating For The Future
Sunday, January 28, 2007-3:36AM EST
I figure that at 35 it’s not too late for me to really take charge of my health. Certain conditions known to creep up on African-Americans at my age have been on my mind lately. I’d like to avoid them if possible so I’ve been tossing around different thoughts about how to better care for myself with better nutritional choices. I don’t plan to diet but to think about the long term effects of my food choices. Today I got this awful craving for something sweet and I swear I could smell chocolate. There is no chocolate in my house at this time and the closest place it could be is about a block away. I doubt I smelled chocolate coming from the quickie mart but it didn’t stop me from peaking out the window to see if the Hostess truck arrived yet.
I think about my cholesterol levels and about my blood pressure quite often. At this point I don’t have issues with that but it doesn’t mean I should ignore the fact that I can do something to avoid having those issues. In my family diabetes is thick. The only two people that don’t have it are me and my younger brother. A doctor once told me that he thought my food choices helped to stave off diabetes then but my food choices now invite it. I was a vegetarian from the age of 8 until 33 I think it was. I’ve lost some of the good eating habits I use to have. In two years I’ve lost those good eating habits. My how time flies when you’re eating cream pies. Even though it is not possible for me to go back to the life style that I dearly loved I can pick up the good eating habits again. I can long for the Hostess guy but I don’t have to walk over there and buy it. I can just pretend to smell him a block away and laugh while I do it then celebrate because I made a good choice for my future.
A friend of mine has a little sticker that she sends on the back of post cards and gifts. It says not to give up five minutes before your miracle happens. A nice man once put it, “Don’t give up forever for a moment.” This applies to my eating in that I can use such reasoning to walk away from over eating or simply not eating at all. If my goal is to have a healthier future then is it worth it for me to risk that health for one moment with a Twinkie or a Ding-Dong or say hot chocolate cake with thick icing and a side of ice cream with hot fudge topping, nuts and a cherry on top? Okay, I need to stop with that crap because I’m weakening as I speak. My point is, I’ll enjoy it for the moment but in the long run it may come back to bite me. I’m only 35, it’s not too late for me to make strong choices for my future in the way of nutrition. I intend to do that this year. I started about two weeks ago actually. I haven’t frequented said quickie mart to the extent that I use to. Oh yes, and I watch my posture as I sit in my chair at the desk. That’s another thing I started doing.
A goal I’ve kept for awhile now is to dedicated one day out of the week to drink nothing but water. I eat but when I take in fluids on that day it’s water. It’s just my way of making sure I get enough of it. I’ve done that for quite some time so my next step has to build on that. It’s an easy thing for me to do just one day a week, put down soda and coffee and drink only water. I can only hope that whatever my next step will be will be as easy.
While I may look like that lady right now I do not plan to feel like she looks. I swear right here and right now that even though my breasts hang, my butt sags, and my eyes may barely open to share their red streaks with the world I will not add to those things by not caring for myself today.
Austin
PS. Thanks for the card Beauty. It was the perfect picture for my entry.
RECENT COMMENTS