Reality Check

Reality Check-Monday, January 08, 2007-2:56AM EST
Dictionary.com Word of the Day – acuity: acuteness of perception or vision.

Have I done enough? Have I exerted myself enough today to be worthy of breathing and how on earth can I actually compare worth to how hard I sweat today? I cleaned the living room and the bedroom, I ran the sweeper, I read some of the book I Can’t Get Over It and I cooked dinner for me and for Blossom. I feel like I’ve done nothing today, nothing that really makes a difference, nothing that can be counted as making some sort of real contribution to the world. I hate not working outside the home, I feel so useless sometimes.

Here I am putting off sleep once again because laying down is like giving up. It feels like I’m saying, well, I’m okay with the fact that I’ve not contributed anything today. I’m okay with the fact that all I’ve done is a little cleaning and cooked a meal. That’s enough to call it a day. I hate not working outside the house, it feels like I don’t count anymore. I hate that thought, how does holding a job, any job, make me count more than a person that doesn’t have a job but is in therapy? Will I ever work outside the home again? Who knows? I really don’t know but its toll on my self-esteem is heavy. I have to feel like I’m of some use.

I understand that working myself in the ground despite the fact that every inch of my body hurts goes back to old tapes. Can I convince myself that I have contributions despite not working outside the home? Can I convince myself that my mother was wrong, I do not have to sweat hard to deserve a meal. I do not have to move mountains to call a day successful? Can I just do that and go to sleep not feeling like a failure?

What could I have possibly done to make today feel like a success? The other day I moved a love seat, a huge chair and an amour, rearranged the love seat and the lazy boy, took out the trash, swept the living room and bedroom, gave Cap a quick bath and made dinner BUT I still felt like I’d wasted the day, did nothing at all. A few days earlier I did 4 or 5 loads of laundry, fed three people, cleaned the house, did some dishes and felt like I’d not done anything at all to deserve to breathe. So the answer to my question about what I could do to call this day a success is NOTHING. I could do 100 things and still not get the feeling I’m looking for. It has nothing to do with the house or an outside job or anything other than the need to feel something other than like a “bad girl.” Doing 100 things in a day is only to prove that I’m not lazy, I’m not a bad girl. I can be the good girl I’m supposed to be, the caretaker, the homemaker, the friend, this that and the other all without disappointing “you”, all without mistake and finally, finally you can say my name without that tone of contempt behind it. I’m working for something I will not get and that is why I have to remember to do reality checks like this. The success I’m looking for will not come from doing a number of tasks in one day, being the super caretaker, homemaker, major world contributor. The success I’m looking for can only lead to failure because my mother does not have it in her to love me appropriately. She couldn’t, even if she wanted, she couldn’t take back all she did and she won’t change. I’m working hard to fail and that is just crazy.

J-Lyn

Reality check time! Slow down, re-group, manage your goals and count your blessings. The fact that your mother is not in your life is one of them. Move on honey child, there is more to life than Mama.