Daily Archive for January 12th, 2007

Intensity

Published on January 12, 2007 in Dissociative Identity Disorder and Mental Health. 1 Comment

I’m sleeping and that’s about it. I’ve sent out a few emails and now I’m going back to bed. I can’t keep up and I need to go back to sleep.

Blossom is staying home as is Jetsam and D. I dont understand why I feel so down. There doesn’t seem to be much of anything I can point to and say, this is what’s wrong. Even if I could would it make it better? I think I just have to ride this one out.

I have stuff going through my head like, you’re so stupid, you fucking idiot, you’re so damn stupid, why don’t you just die?

Where is this coming from? I mean really? That hasn’t happened before. It’s not repetitive or anything but sometimes my head gets to going and when I want it to stop and it wont I feel stupid. Then starts the you’re stupid why don’t you just die.

A lot of people with DID get overwhelmed and start talking out loud to themselves. It’s like if we say it out loud maybe it’ll somehow feel better. Not that I’m talking to anyone in particular, maybe I just need to hear the sound of a voice other than the tone of self loathing, something to break the intensity…I dont know what it is. I cant even think of anything that I say out loud, not really. It’s not like holding a conversation with myself or with a hallucination. I can’t really explain it. Maybe it’s that so much is in my head that if I dont’ get it out somehow I feel like I’ll just blow up or lose whats left of my mind. It’s kind of like journaling, if I dont put it somewhere other than inside my head it’s gonna kill me, it’s going to overwhelm me and I’m simply going to drop dead from the intensity of my own thoughts.

I’ve watched Evita for the last three nights. The music is beautiful. There is a song that says something like,  you’ll get by you always have before then something like where am i going to followed by don’t ask anymore. I like that song. And for some reason I just like the way Madonna sings Don’t Cry for Me Argentina. Who knew Antonio (Latin lover himself) could sing like that. I didn’t know until I got this movie a few years back. His singing makes him even hotter. I’m not one for musicals but if you put Madonna and Lover Antonio together I might have to watch it, repeatedly. The music is beautiful as is…you know, Antonio. I wonder how close the movie is to real history. I know only one Argentine but I’ve never asked him…didn’t want to look stupid.

Austin

Symptoms List For The Therapist

Published on January 12, 2007 in Mental Health, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

Symptoms scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest and most severe
These are for the day of January 11th, 2007 only.

I was asleep when you called me today. I apologize for that, I didn’t hear the phone.

Self harm issues – 9 Cutting
Isolation – 9
Unrealistic fears – 7 I’ve been timid which leads to isolation
Tearful- 7
Flashbacks – 0
Dissociation- 7
exaggerated Startle response – 7
Anger issues – 7
Shower- no * This is unusual for me because I shower and wash my hair daily
Medication – yes
Leave the house- no
Eat- yes (potato soup)

Little interest or pleasure in doing things - 8
I love to cook but I have very little interest in it right now. The potato soup was a half assed thing. I did it in the crock pot. As a friend of mine would say, there was no love put in that meal.

Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless - 9
My baseline for this is a 4. I’ve felt worthless lately but I’m not really sure why.

Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much - 8
Both, I sleep too much when I actually do get to sleep. My baseline for sleep disturbances is usually an 8 but the problem is more that I refuse to sleep rather than trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. That’s what I’m dealing with right now, trouble falling asleep and staying asleep.

Feeling tired or having little energy – 8
I get tired easily anymore.

Poor appetite or overeating – 8
I was overeating but now I’m not eating much at all. I binged on donuts for a week or so but then I just lost interest in my favorite donut in the world. How could I lose interest in a jelly donut? While that sounds “funny” its worrisome to me. When I don’t want the things I really like it worries me. I’ve been chain smoking big time.

Feeling bad about yourself—or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down – 6
That’s an improvement from yesterday.

Trouble concentrating on things, such as reading the newspaper or watching television – 0
No, because one would have to want to do these things in order to have a decline in concentration. I usually do not have difficulty concentrating while reading.

Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed. Or the opposite—being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual – 0
Not today.

Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself in some way – 6
My baseline for this is 6. The last few days I’ve been significantly above my baseline, today has been somewhat better.

 

Austin