I’m sleeping and that’s about it. I’ve sent out a few emails and now I’m going back to bed. I can’t keep up and I need to go back to sleep.
Blossom is staying home as is Jetsam and D. I dont understand why I feel so down. There doesn’t seem to be much of anything I can point to and say, this is what’s wrong. Even if I could would it make it better? I think I just have to ride this one out.
I have stuff going through my head like, you’re so stupid, you fucking idiot, you’re so damn stupid, why don’t you just die?
Where is this coming from? I mean really? That hasn’t happened before. It’s not repetitive or anything but sometimes my head gets to going and when I want it to stop and it wont I feel stupid. Then starts the you’re stupid why don’t you just die.
A lot of people with DID get overwhelmed and start talking out loud to themselves. It’s like if we say it out loud maybe it’ll somehow feel better. Not that I’m talking to anyone in particular, maybe I just need to hear the sound of a voice other than the tone of self loathing, something to break the intensity…I dont know what it is. I cant even think of anything that I say out loud, not really. It’s not like holding a conversation with myself or with a hallucination. I can’t really explain it. Maybe it’s that so much is in my head that if I dont’ get it out somehow I feel like I’ll just blow up or lose whats left of my mind. It’s kind of like journaling, if I dont put it somewhere other than inside my head it’s gonna kill me, it’s going to overwhelm me and I’m simply going to drop dead from the intensity of my own thoughts.
I’ve watched Evita for the last three nights. The music is beautiful. There is a song that says something like, you’ll get by you always have before then something like where am i going to followed by don’t ask anymore. I like that song. And for some reason I just like the way Madonna sings Don’t Cry for Me Argentina. Who knew Antonio (Latin lover himself) could sing like that. I didn’t know until I got this movie a few years back. His singing makes him even hotter. I’m not one for musicals but if you put Madonna and Lover Antonio together I might have to watch it, repeatedly. The music is beautiful as is…you know, Antonio. I wonder how close the movie is to real history. I know only one Argentine but I’ve never asked him…didn’t want to look stupid.
Austin
Talking out loud to myself is something I sometimes do when there’s no one around I can confide in. It helps focus on what’s really bugging me to hear the words spoken. Yes, it makes me feel like an idiot, but since no one knows I’m doing it, who cares?
I think it always helps to have even a smidgen of insight into what’s causing depression. Maybe it’s not fixable, not just yet anyway, but I feel better knowing. That’s why I hate it when I can’t remember my dreams, something I haven’t been able to do with any consistency for about 6 months. I always find lots of clues as to what’s going on inside of me when I examine my dreams. I don’t believe there’s a mystical quality about dreams or that each one has a special message. Some of them though speak loud and clear; others merely whisper a truth I need to consider.