A Million Questions- You or Me?
Tuesday, January 23, 2007-3:51PM EST
Is he stuck in a rut or am I? Am I unwilling to budge on the journal thing or is his desire to only work in his office reasonable? How does someone who went to Yale buy his first home computer only a year ago? Yes, he went the year I was born but its 2007, what growth has he made since then? And am I expecting too much for asking him to check the journal from time to time? I don’t expect him to read every entry or to try to keep up with the journal, but I’d like him to acknowledge it. Printing stuff off to take in to therapy gets expensive and I’m about out of ink. It’s not as if we talk about it anyway, he reads it then we move on to something else. Truthfully, I think sometimes he’s distracted by Captain. Am I being overly sensitive? Am I trying my best to find a reason to not work with this man? I’m sensitive on the journal issue but am I too sensitive? Is his reasoning for not wanting to check out the journal from time to time due to his lack of experience with the net or is he just the type that wants face to face talk only, the stuck in a rut type? Or am I?
Today’s session I left angry and ready to quit. Yeah, we talked about a memory but truthfully, this safe place I have, I don’t want to pervert its beautiful memory with old ugly ones. I don’t want to associate it with pain so that I begin to resent it. And how different is retreating to this inner safe place from dissociation, leaving is leaving right? I mean, okay if we stop and gather my thoughts, do some grounding type stuff then I could see the point of it all but to go to an inner safe place seems too much like dissociation. Don’t I spend too much time inside already?
On the journal, if he spent a few hours even split over a few days he could get to know me faster and we could move at a pace quicker than now. We could skip the introductions. Hell, if he’s waiting for me to trust him then he’ll be waiting for a very long time.
How do day to day issues fit in with working on old memories? How does minimizing self loathing fit into this? How do I deal with anger issues AND work on one memory for several sessions? It seems so damn abstract, no boundaries, no clear lines as to what to expect, what to do, how to do it, when to do it, what happens after we do it? There seems to be so much more that I would need other than going over one damn memory for weeks. What about the rest of my shit? What about what happens after therapy? Does he want to know what happens after therapy or does he want to only deal with that one hour and that one fucking memory? Before that memory I told him about the dream I had the other night. We talked briefly about the dream then rather abruptly he switched to this desensitization thing. Fuck you! That was a powerful moment, that dream was powerful but nope, we switched really quickly to something I really don’t have faith in. I was proud of that dream but I think he thought I was avoiding. I wasn’t. I happy that I had that dream because it is in dreams that we go over what we truly believe about ourselves. I wasn’t powerless in that dream. That counts…it counts for more than a few minutes with an abrupt shift in gears.
Fuck this! Argh! Twice a week going to do this and not touch on or touch only briefly on daily issues? Whatever!- It’s abstract, too abstract, too up in the air not knowing what to expect. Hell, it’s home, it’s home all over again. I need to know what to expect or I’ll never relax enough to really let him in my head. I can list off the worst of my memories and feel nothing at all. I’ll just be on guard like at home because I don’t know the rules. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t ….. I need a clearer idea of what to do. Abstract only works with a paintbrush. I need something I can grasp. Don’t expect me to trust you and just fuckin follow your lead.
I’m going back to sleep. I can’t believe I “shaved my legs for this” holder of a Yalensis diploma. I had three damn hours of sleep, got up got me ready and Cap ready in 30 min only to make it to his fucking office and be pissed as hell when I got out. Argh! Twice a week like this? Hell no I don’t think so. Fuckin idiot. I’m still doing my therapy day pampering. We’re having curried black beans and rice, spiced sauasges and corn cakes. Tonight is fire place night and a long, long soak in the bath tup with jacuzzi jets and a ton of candles. That’s what ‘m talkin’ ’bout! Therapy may have been a bomb but it doesn’t mean I can’t follow my regular after therapy reward for showing up to the session. I’m going to sleep first though. Three hours and then this has me pretty beat down. I have to calm down before Blossom shows up. I don’t need to spill anger on her.
Destiny
I’m so sorry… At your next session will you be able to talk about these conflicts with the therapist, or do you not trust him enough yet?
I’m glad you still had your after therapy reward, though. That’s a good idea… I should think of one for myself.
Maybe he doesn’t want to read your journal because he’s not getting paid for the time it would take him to do so? Ah, if only we all had a dedicated therapist like Sybil’s! I know what you mean, though. When I was in therapy I was asked to bring in a journal one of my littles keeps, and my therapist ripped through it in about 30 secs and didn’t comment, or ask questions. I thought, what the hell? Why’d she ask to see it if she had no interest in it?
I too don’t like focusing too long on one memory. At my age, I’d never get through them all. Also don’t like going to my safe place because, as you said, it’s still dissociation.
Does your therapist specialize in DID? It doesn’t sound like it.
I’m glad you did reward yourself, that’s important.
a therapist who just got a computer? that’s weird! you should do your pampering no matter what, you made it there and back, that sounds like a reward situation to us!
keepers