The People Behind My Eyes

Hodgepodge
Friday, January 26, 2007

Well, Dr. T told me today that perhaps my association with Blossom feels safe and that’s why I still let her come around. I started thinking to myself, the next time I date someone I need a plan. I have to get something out of the relationship, have some benefit, something other than a huge headache. So I’ve decided that I will only date senior citizens. Why you say? It’s an economically sound decision actually. See, the senior discounts could save me all kinds of money. I mean to tell you with 10% off here and 30% off there I could really have a nice nest egg tucked away for myself. I could go to Denny’s and order off the senior menu right along with my partner and have her pay. So, when I start looking for someone she’ll have to be over the age of 60 but not over 65. She must be a barren orphan. Why you say? Well, if she has no kids then they can’t interfere in our relationship. If she doesn’t have family then there are no “in-laws” which means I have no mother-in-homo-law. These two major issues cause more break ups than any other relationship issue. She can’t have kids or living relatives. I must be able to verify that they aren’t alive and she has no kids.

She must have a clean bill of SD health. Being over the age of 55 and probably of the mind set that she doesn’t have to be as “safe” as the younger generations she is put in a false sense of security and could subject herself to serious but unknowing harm. It seems one of the fastest growing age groups for AIDS is with senior citizens (they think AIDS is a young person’s disease) so I’ll have to have her tested and see some papers before we can…um…consummate the partnership. So I need a barren orphan with a clean bill of all SD’s and no criminal record. The last thing I need is to find out granny is selling dope to supplement her social security. Times are hard but damn! Okay so, that’s my plan, only date old ladies who will let me order off the senior menus and let me use their discounts so that I can gain financial status in the community. So, in a few months when I’m emotionally stable and looking if there’s a single old lady out there looking for a short chubby black chick I’m your girl. Until then I’m just stuck with how to get Blossom out of my house without worrying that she’ll kill herself.

What Dr. T told me today was sooooo not helpful. I told him I worried she’d kill herself if I told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore. He told me a story about a guy that killed himself for the same reason, getting dumped. That was quite helpful Dr. T, I said. NOT! He kinda laughed but I mean come on. I just said the girl might kill herself and he comes up with an example of someone who really did. Thank you very much, I can see why you have a PhD, you excel in how not to be helpful. Actually, the therapy session went half ways decent so he has kind of redeemed himself. He’s on board for now until he messes up again or until I have unbridled rage and tell him about his unhelpful stories about people that bit the bullet because their friends told them to kiss off.

He asked why I keep her around. I felt so bad about it but I told him the truth. She’s a friend with benefits. I said it’s a dangerous world. To go out and meet someone would mean I’d need more trust in them than I have with Blossom. I’d have to simply take their word for it that they aren’t infected with something. The problem is, I can’t just say to Blossom, we’ve had our time together now get out. I’m just not that shallow. I can’t do the do and then kick her out of the house. Dr. T said, you cant be that hard nosed? Uh, no, no I can’t. I don’t have it in me to roll over and go, “oh, you’re still here?” He laughed. No, I can’t be that cruel. I can date an old woman for discounts but I can’t kick out my friend who comes with other benefits, not without seriously worrying that she’s going to off herself. The issue then becomes, am I really concerned about her killing herself or am I thinking about old mother issues….way back when it was my job to keep the mother alive? Way back when I posted cut out hearts everywhere so she wouldn’t kill herself or wrote her little I love you cards so she would feel loved and not kill herself. Can I risk feeling like I’ve let another person down “again”? Can I risk the confusion in my head between Blossom (now) and responsibility that never should have been mine in the first place (then)? So, the real issue is not Blossom at all but my inability to separate then from now.

So, that is what our next session is about, the need to keep her alive like the responsibility placed on me to keep my mother alive. Boy, it just gets deeper and deeper. That is why I keep her around and don’t’ just give up on her, it’s just another mother issue with suicide. It’s another way I’m trying my best to prove that I’m a good girl. I want to get it right this time. No, the mother isn’t dead but clearly I didn’t get it right because the woman isn’t safe enough to be around. I still hold this guilt that I couldn’t FORCE my mother to love me and FORCE her to not be so unhappy or FORCE her to see me as something other than disgusting and loathsome. The issues just get so mixed together for one large hodgepodge of emotional trash. I still want the old lady with discount privileges though.

Aussie