Monthly Archive for January, 2007

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Hodgepodge

Published on January 26, 2007 in For the Record and Relationships. 4 Comments

Hodgepodge
Friday, January 26, 2007

Well, Dr. T told me today that perhaps my association with Blossom feels safe and that’s why I still let her come around. I started thinking to myself, the next time I date someone I need a plan. I have to get something out of the relationship, have some benefit, something other than a huge headache. So I’ve decided that I will only date senior citizens. Why you say? It’s an economically sound decision actually. See, the senior discounts could save me all kinds of money. I mean to tell you with 10% off here and 30% off there I could really have a nice nest egg tucked away for myself. I could go to Denny’s and order off the senior menu right along with my partner and have her pay. So, when I start looking for someone she’ll have to be over the age of 60 but not over 65. She must be a barren orphan. Why you say? Well, if she has no kids then they can’t interfere in our relationship. If she doesn’t have family then there are no “in-laws” which means I have no mother-in-homo-law. These two major issues cause more break ups than any other relationship issue. She can’t have kids or living relatives. I must be able to verify that they aren’t alive and she has no kids.

She must have a clean bill of SD health. Being over the age of 55 and probably of the mind set that she doesn’t have to be as “safe” as the younger generations she is put in a false sense of security and could subject herself to serious but unknowing harm. It seems one of the fastest growing age groups for AIDS is with senior citizens (they think AIDS is a young person’s disease) so I’ll have to have her tested and see some papers before we can…um…consummate the partnership. So I need a barren orphan with a clean bill of all SD’s and no criminal record. The last thing I need is to find out granny is selling dope to supplement her social security. Times are hard but damn! Okay so, that’s my plan, only date old ladies who will let me order off the senior menus and let me use their discounts so that I can gain financial status in the community. So, in a few months when I’m emotionally stable and looking if there’s a single old lady out there looking for a short chubby black chick I’m your girl. Until then I’m just stuck with how to get Blossom out of my house without worrying that she’ll kill herself.

What Dr. T told me today was sooooo not helpful. I told him I worried she’d kill herself if I told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore. He told me a story about a guy that killed himself for the same reason, getting dumped. That was quite helpful Dr. T, I said. NOT! He kinda laughed but I mean come on. I just said the girl might kill herself and he comes up with an example of someone who really did. Thank you very much, I can see why you have a PhD, you excel in how not to be helpful. Actually, the therapy session went half ways decent so he has kind of redeemed himself. He’s on board for now until he messes up again or until I have unbridled rage and tell him about his unhelpful stories about people that bit the bullet because their friends told them to kiss off.

He asked why I keep her around. I felt so bad about it but I told him the truth. She’s a friend with benefits. I said it’s a dangerous world. To go out and meet someone would mean I’d need more trust in them than I have with Blossom. I’d have to simply take their word for it that they aren’t infected with something. The problem is, I can’t just say to Blossom, we’ve had our time together now get out. I’m just not that shallow. I can’t do the do and then kick her out of the house. Dr. T said, you cant be that hard nosed? Uh, no, no I can’t. I don’t have it in me to roll over and go, “oh, you’re still here?” He laughed. No, I can’t be that cruel. I can date an old woman for discounts but I can’t kick out my friend who comes with other benefits, not without seriously worrying that she’s going to off herself. The issue then becomes, am I really concerned about her killing herself or am I thinking about old mother issues….way back when it was my job to keep the mother alive? Way back when I posted cut out hearts everywhere so she wouldn’t kill herself or wrote her little I love you cards so she would feel loved and not kill herself. Can I risk feeling like I’ve let another person down “again”? Can I risk the confusion in my head between Blossom (now) and responsibility that never should have been mine in the first place (then)? So, the real issue is not Blossom at all but my inability to separate then from now.

So, that is what our next session is about, the need to keep her alive like the responsibility placed on me to keep my mother alive. Boy, it just gets deeper and deeper. That is why I keep her around and don’t’ just give up on her, it’s just another mother issue with suicide. It’s another way I’m trying my best to prove that I’m a good girl. I want to get it right this time. No, the mother isn’t dead but clearly I didn’t get it right because the woman isn’t safe enough to be around. I still hold this guilt that I couldn’t FORCE my mother to love me and FORCE her to not be so unhappy or FORCE her to see me as something other than disgusting and loathsome. The issues just get so mixed together for one large hodgepodge of emotional trash. I still want the old lady with discount privileges though.

Aussie

The James’ On Psychotherapy

Published on January 24, 2007 in Humor, Mental Health, Soapbox and Therapy. 2 Comments

The James’ On Psychotherapy
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007 6:33PM EST

clicking this image will take you to Age-O-Matic

James Earl Jones and Old Aussie

From the company that brought you Monk-E Mail now comes Age-O-Matic. The idea is to upload a picture of yourself, answer a few questions about your job and then press preview to see an aged you. You can choose mail or female age progression. I did both but the males were funnier than the female aged Aussie so these are the one’s that got published. Age-O-Matic will serve as an update for this journal to describe the absurdity that is my therapy (Tuesday’s session anyway) So, click the pictures and let James Earl Jones and the late James Brown speak for Old Aussie or simply click the links.

clicking this image will take you to Age-O-Matic

James Brown and Old Aussie

So, I’ll show up tomorrow with the printed off and unedited version of the rant and rave by Destiny and bring it into the therapist. In all truthfulness, I planned to quit. I wasn’t even going to go to tomorrow’s session but I got a bit of encouragement to go back and let the doc know how I feel. I appreciate the feedback from the last journal entry cause I sure was ready to walk away. I need to give this some time, see if we can work this out, see if we can work together and sort through some of the issues I have with the sessions. A few times I’ve left thinking, I really like this guy but other times I think I could simply kick him in the knee and never come back. With those emotions at the opposite ends of the spectrum I can reasonably conclude that I’m not in a position to make a huge decision like stopping treatment with this fellow all together. I need time to get my yo-yo emotions under control to be able to actually see the real situation, is this me or is it him or an even mix of both? That’s still the pressing question.

Austin

A Million Questions- You or Me?

Published on January 23, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Soapbox and Therapy. 3 Comments

A Million Questions- You or Me?
Tuesday, January 23, 2007-3:51PM EST

Is he stuck in a rut or am I? Am I unwilling to budge on the journal thing or is his desire to only work in his office reasonable? How does someone who went to Yale buy his first home computer only a year ago? Yes, he went the year I was born but its 2007, what growth has he made since then? And am I expecting too much for asking him to check the journal from time to time? I don’t expect him to read every entry or to try to keep up with the journal, but I’d like him to acknowledge it. Printing stuff off to take in to therapy gets expensive and I’m about out of ink. It’s not as if we talk about it anyway, he reads it then we move on to something else. Truthfully, I think sometimes he’s distracted by Captain. Am I being overly sensitive? Am I trying my best to find a reason to not work with this man? I’m sensitive on the journal issue but am I too sensitive? Is his reasoning for not wanting to check out the journal from time to time due to his lack of experience with the net or is he just the type that wants face to face talk only, the stuck in a rut type? Or am I?

Today’s session I left angry and ready to quit. Yeah, we talked about a memory but truthfully, this safe place I have, I don’t want to pervert its beautiful memory with old ugly ones. I don’t want to associate it with pain so that I begin to resent it. And how different is retreating to this inner safe place from dissociation, leaving is leaving right? I mean, okay if we stop and gather my thoughts, do some grounding type stuff then I could see the point of it all but to go to an inner safe place seems too much like dissociation. Don’t I spend too much time inside already?

On the journal, if he spent a few hours even split over a few days he could get to know me faster and we could move at a pace quicker than now. We could skip the introductions. Hell, if he’s waiting for me to trust him then he’ll be waiting for a very long time.

How do day to day issues fit in with working on old memories? How does minimizing self loathing fit into this? How do I deal with anger issues AND work on one memory for several sessions? It seems so damn abstract, no boundaries, no clear lines as to what to expect, what to do, how to do it, when to do it, what happens after we do it? There seems to be so much more that I would need other than going over one damn memory for weeks. What about the rest of my shit? What about what happens after therapy? Does he want to know what happens after therapy or does he want to only deal with that one hour and that one fucking memory? Before that memory I told him about the dream I had the other night. We talked briefly about the dream then rather abruptly he switched to this desensitization thing. Fuck you! That was a powerful moment, that dream was powerful but nope, we switched really quickly to something I really don’t have faith in. I was proud of that dream but I think he thought I was avoiding. I wasn’t. I happy that I had that dream because it is in dreams that we go over what we truly believe about ourselves. I wasn’t powerless in that dream. That counts…it counts for more than a few minutes with an abrupt shift in gears.

Fuck this! Argh! Twice a week going to do this and not touch on or touch only briefly on daily issues? Whatever!- It’s abstract, too abstract, too up in the air not knowing what to expect. Hell, it’s home, it’s home all over again. I need to know what to expect or I’ll never relax enough to really let him in my head. I can list off the worst of my memories and feel nothing at all. I’ll just be on guard like at home because I don’t know the rules. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t ….. I need a clearer idea of what to do. Abstract only works with a paintbrush. I need something I can grasp. Don’t expect me to trust you and just fuckin follow your lead.

I’m going back to sleep. I can’t believe I “shaved my legs for this” holder of a Yalensis diploma. I had three damn hours of sleep, got up got me ready and Cap ready in 30 min only to make it to his fucking office and be pissed as hell when I got out. Argh! Twice a week like this? Hell no I don’t think so. Fuckin idiot. I’m still doing my therapy day pampering. We’re having curried black beans and rice, spiced sauasges and corn cakes. Tonight is fire place night and a long, long soak in the bath tup with jacuzzi jets and a ton of candles. That’s what ‘m talkin’ ’bout! Therapy may have been a bomb but it doesn’t mean I can’t follow my regular after therapy reward for showing up to the session. I’m going to sleep first though. Three hours and then this has me pretty beat down. I have to calm down before Blossom shows up. I don’t need to spill anger on her.

Destiny

I hate you don’t leave me

Published on January 23, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Relationships, Soapbox and Therapy. 3 Comments

Tuesday, January 23, 2007-1:02AM EST

I call Blossom by my name instead of hers. I’ve been doing it for weeks now. I know exactly why.

I loath her sometimes. I look at her and I think, I can’t stand this woman why is she in my house? I look at her and I see weakness, I see someone that makes herself vulnerable to others, someone who is broken inside, who would prefer to be with someone broken to be with no one at all. Why does she come over here? Why does she correct my English, complain about my food, offer her input on my weight, on how much I eat or don’t eat compared to her? Why does she come here when she knows full well that I’m angered by her coughing with her mouth uncovered? Why does she come here when she knows full well most of what she says and does irritates the hell out of me? How come she can’t answer a simple question? How do you want your eggs? Should I add more spices to this? Why can’t she make one simple decision like do you want another piece of garlic bread without giving a very vague answer so that I don’t know if it’s a yes or a no. Why do we hang out when we anger each other so? What is this sick attachment we have to one another?

from PostSecret.com (confessions of a lonely man)

I see me in her. I see someone that just can’t stand it anymore, the loneliness, feeling alienated from the world. I feel less than others and like no one whole would want me so hanging with someone as broken as me only makes sense until I start hating them as much as I hate myself. So I end up calling her by my name instead of hers.

My old cab driver is back so I’ll have him to pick me up for therapy tomorrow. Blossom sees her new therapist tomorrow too but she’s coming here afterwards. And when she comes in the house she’ll look me dead in the eye to see how I’m doing, looking for some sign to see if I’m okay. Doesn’t she ever tire of looking to see what type of mood I’m in? Doesn’t she ever tire of holding her breath until she gets a smile as the sign of “all clear” you can relax now I won’t bite your head off until later? Isn’t she tired or is she just lonely so she keeps coming here every week end hoping things will change between us? Isn’t she tired?

She says she’s “addicted” to me. That’s nothing special since she was once addicted to substances. She has an addictive personality so why is it so special that she would be “addicted” to me? I often see her as some sort of maniac, an overly emotional maniac. What does that make me when I open the door and let her in? It makes me an idiot. When it comes to neediness and loneliness she and I are one, and I can’t stand either one of us.

Here it is 1:18AM and I have to be up and ready for a cab shortly. I am not looking forward to therapy. I wanted to throw stuff this week end. I’ve been so angry. I feel guilty for not even hugging her when she got here. I just didn’t want to embrace anyone or anything, let alone someone whose face turns to mine.

I asked around and got some feedback from bloggers about Dr. T’s PTSD technique. It seems that it’s nothing unethical but practiced often to help those overwhelmed by PTSD symptoms. I’d half hoped to hear the man’s a quack so I could run like hell in the opposite direction. I don’t want to look at this. The good thing about Cabby Clarence coming back is that he’s use to me either being very quiet after therapy or very energetic. He doesn’t know I have DID but he adapts well to silence or energy. Since I’ll be going to have my head jacked up twice a week I couldn’t ask for a better cab driver than Cabby Clarence. It was a blessing beyond belief to hear that he’s back. It was one of those on time blessings out of nowhere, where I got what I needed at the right time. As badly as I want to run in the other direction I can’t help but stand in awe at this latest development. Cabby Clarence is back and that is totally cool.

Me

Aussie’s World

Published on January 22, 2007 in For the Record and Soapbox. 0 Comments

Not only are the Colts going to the Superbowl but this afternoon when I called to set up my appointment with the cab company for tomorrow’s therapy I discovered that my old faithful cab driver is BACK. He quit about a 6 or 7 months ago but now he’s back and he’s my regular cab driver again. Oh my goodness it just keeps getting better. …. well for me anyway because I intend to give Cabby Clarence an ear full tomorrow. I plan to tell him all the hell he put me through quitting like he did. The good thing is we know each other well enough for me to mess with him like I plan to tomorrow. I plan to tell him about the Mafia driver Cabby Blaze, about the big guy with long fingernails and in desperate need of a hair cut, a shower and rehab. He’ll hear about the driver that makes his cab a sauna. It’s so hot in there I want to strip until I get to therapy. I plan to toss in a little more guilt and tell him that I’ll be in therapy longer because he had the nerve to switch jobs. I mean, you know it’s all about me anyway so when he quit it affected my world adversely which in turn made the rest of the world go hay wire. Ah, I can’t believe it. He’s back which means that I’ll get to my appointments on time…heck, I’ll get to my appointments. I just might hug him before I let him have it.

Last night I made an espresso cake…very good. It’s just a chocolate cake with espresso in the cake itself then in the icing. We did a mousse type icing and added amaretto. Barney Fife came home dressed in blue and tried a tiny piece. He said being a heart patient he should only have a non-lethal dose of it. There is a lot of caffeine in that cake but if you do it right you can get the flavor and reduce the amount of caffeine. We didn’t use that much at all and made a two layer and icing. I think we used all together 1/4th of a cup of espresso.

Back to the Colts, how annoying Dungy got talking about how God meant for them to go to the Superbowl. Like somehow the Most High has a favorite team and he’s up there in a blue shirt shaking that huge “we’re #1″ finger you see at games. He’s not knockin’ ‘em back rooting for the Colts. I can assure you that He has much more to do than to adjust things so that the Colts could go to the Superbowl. Arghh! I am thrilled beyond belief that Indy is going to Miami but please people, it has nothing at all to do with God’s will. He’s got more to do than alter the outcome of a football game, even a huge history setting football game. Do you realize that if it was God’s will for Indy to go then it means it was God’s will for the other teams NOT to go? That means he would have had to adjust the outcome of every game including those that took players out with injuries throughout the season. Think about it Dungy, the skill your players have is a God given gift but to say it was His will for Indy to go to Miami is putting your personal faith on a God that has much more to do than make sure you go to Miami. Again, I’m thrilled to death that we’re going. I just wish there hadn’t been so much “this is God’s will” tossed in the two hour after show. It turned into a two hour false praise and that was nothing short of irritating and offensive.

That’s all for me today.

Austin

PS. Coach Dungy, your much younger-looking wife is absolutely stunning.

Dreams That Show Healing

Published on January 21, 2007 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 6 Comments

It was the same shopping mall at the same hour, a few minutes before closing. I was searching for a pair of red tennis shoes but I only found pink and blue as well as the standard blue house slippers and junk items. I looked for porcelain dolls but didn’t find any that I liked. I zipped to the back of the store where they usually have second hand items for really cheap prices but that part of the store was missing. In that dream the second hand store is always there. Sometimes there’s a second level to the back of the store that you get to through a small crawl space in the ceiling. On that level you sift through tons of brass objects, used Tupperware, old music instruments and cooking utensils. Not only was the first level of second hand items missing from the store but so was the entire second level. Even while sleeping and having the dream I found it strange for this special part of the store to not exist.

The main store in my dream that is part of the mall is like a huge Wal-mart or Costco type store. You can buy anything and everything. Something different about this dream was that my mother was in the store as well as my sister. The mother started hitting the sister (who in the dream was her current age of 37). She didn’t protect herself. My mother had held the sister above her head as my sister screamed and cried. I immediately began throwing cans of green beans at her telling her to let my sister down. I was assaulting the mother with canned goods. I have great aim in real life as well as in my dreams so I was pelting her pretty good. Finally she let my sister down and she fell into a ball of sobs and screams. I always see my sister as someone that cannot protect herself. I saw her that way as a child too. I’ve always seen her as weak and that angers me beyond belief.

The reason this dream shows healing is that I did what I could to help my sister. I used what resources I had (all be it canned goods) and I helped her. That is something I could not do successfully as a child. Also, I was not afraid to hit my mother. That shows healing because there have been very few times when I’ve dreamed that I hit her. I’ve dreamed that I told her I wasn’t afraid of her and that she couldn’t hit me but few dreams included me assaulting her to the point of her backing off. I see the new dream as a step towards healing, a step towards actually getting it- I’m not powerless against my mother even when I sleep.

Austin

Dreams That Show Healing
Sunday, January 21, 2007-11:01AM EST

 

Friendship – (With none of that Sissy Crap!)

Published on January 20, 2007 in For the Record. 6 Comments

Well, two great laughs today. I’m looking for a third. I hear good things come in threes. I got this today via email:

Are you tired of those sissy “friendship” poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces – Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad — I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile — I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused — I will use little words.
7. When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall — I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath….. I pledge it to the end. “Why?” you may ask; “because you are my friend”.

Send this to “all 10″ of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! And don’t send it back to me….I don’t want to hear it!!! And remember….when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt to go with it.